Suburban Senshi the Movie: Urban Renewal
SUBURBAN SENSHI: URBAN RENEWAL
written & directed
by
Doctor Xadium
November 17th, 2004
RATED R for Language and Adult Humour
1 OPENING TITLES: THE "EVA" NIGHTMARE BATTLEFIELD 1
We OPEN with a WIDE SHOT of Setsuna's giant, grinning,
bloated white head bobbing in a red sea of her own blood, her
wide-open red-eyes looking lifelessly up at a yellowish full
moon.
On the SOUNDTRACK, a song begins to play: Kom Susser Tod -
Come Sweet Death.
As the song plays, the camera PANS down towards a set of
GRAVES in the distance, embedded on the pearly white beach.
I've lost everything
everything
that matters to me,
matters in this world...
CUT TO:
2 FLASHBACK: MICHIRU'S DROWNING 2
We see the blinded MICHIRU floating in the sea of blood, a
peaceful look on her face as she drowns to death, sacrificing
herself for Haruka.
I wish that I could turn back time
cos' now all the guilt is mine
cant live without
the trust from those you love.
CUT TO:
3 FLASHBACK: NO FAITH IN VENUS 3
A CLOSEUP (CU) on the face of SAILOR VENUS, looking on in
shock and horror as SAILOR PLUTO, whose face expresses a look
of disbelief, is sucked underground. Venus' grief is written
all over her face.
I know
we can't forget the past
you can't forget love and pride
because of that, its killing me
inside
CUT TO:
4 FLASHBACK: BETRAYAL OF THE INNOCENT 4
The others confront Haruka about planning to kill Hotaru.
There should be no dialog, but their body language indicates
the tremendous level of frustration and anger they have with
her.
It all returns to nothing, it all
comes tumbling down, tumbling down,
tumbling down...
CUT TO:
5 FLASHBACK: THE DEATH OF MEGA PLUTO 5
Setsuna's giant headless body slowly falls to the ground, a
sea of blood flying out from its neck, sending out a tidal
wave that crashes into the screen.
It all returns to nothing--
CUT TO:
6 FLASHBACK: THE DEATH OF VENUS 6
CU on Sailor Venus' head as she presses her fingers to her
forehead, smiling at the thought of reuniting with her loved
ones, going up in a giant golden mushroom cloud whose light
momentarily turns the screen bright white.
CUT TO:
7 THE EVA NIGHTMARE BATTLEGROUND 7
RUSH ZOOM in on one of the graves (use CGI to provide an
almost "warp tunnel" effect), slowing and focusing on its
weathered headstone, which has the astronomical sigil of the
planet Uranus on it. TIGHT SHOT on the ground in front of the
headstone, as the SOUNDTRACK shifts to heavy metal. We see a
white-gloved (like the Sailor Senshi's gloves) hand-- ending
in an angry FIST-- BURSTING through the dirt.
CUT TO:
8 BLACK SCREEN. 8
(the music plays over the black screen)
SOUNDTRACK: Marylin Manson - This is the new Shit
Are you motherfuckers ready
For the new shit?
Stand up and admit,
tomorrow's never coming.
This is the new shit.
Stand up and admit.
Do we get it? No.
Do we want it? Yeah.
This is the new shit,
Stand up and admit!
TITLE CARD:
SUBURBAN SENSHI: URBAN RENEWAL
CUT TO:
9 INT. SUBURBAN SENSHI HOUSE, DINING ROOM 9
The soundtrack music fades out quickly as a BLACK AND WHITE
scene begins-- very blurrily-- but rapidly coming into focus,
as the shaky (as if handheld) camera pans to reveal HARUKA,
MICHIRU, SETSUNA, CHIBIUSA, HOTARU, PROFESSOR TOMOE, DOCTOR
XADIUM AND MINAKO passed out, slumped on the dining table.
WHIP pan to show ARTEMIS lying in the corner, slumped down in
a heap.
WHIP BACK to Hotaru, who groans and gets up slowly. Her eyes
flash solid glowing purple for a moment.
MISS DREAM
Heh. So much for those fools...
hehehehehe.
Miss Dream cracks her neck and looks around the room idly, as
if seeing the world through new eyes. She's never really
interacted with the physical world before, so this is all new
to her. It actually takes her a few seconds to get used to
walking in the "heavy" meat body of Hotaru (remember, this is
someone used to being an ethereal sprite of sorts)
MISS DREAM
Hmm... now to get the rest of those
sailor brats...
She presses a finger to her forehead, pondering. The touch of
her fingertip on her forehead excites her immensely, as it's
a new sensation. This emotion is only reflected in the
slightest twich of her face-- it's so subtle and quick that
even she fails to fully understand or appreciate it.
MISS DREAM
...I'll start with that "Rei"
bitch. She lives at that Hicky-wa
Shrine or something.
Miss Dream chuckles and walks into the living room, slipping
on some black boots. Again, she has a little trouble, being
used to just imagining what she wants to wear-- but it's
nothing serious. She's rapidly becoming accustomed to the way
things work "on the outside". She goes to the front door and
opens it. Sarcastically, she bids the corpses in the house a
proper farewell as she steps out.
MISS DREAM
Ittekimasu! (I'm leaving)
CUT TO:
10 EXT. STREET. - FULL COLOR (DAY) 10
We're now back to using a professional camera. Dream shields
her eyes from the light as she sees the "real" world for the
first time. It's a veritable assault on her senses. In
something of a daze, she walks on the sidewalk, passing
people and staring every now and then. All of a sudden,
something-- or more precisely, someone-- catches her
interest. It is a YOUNG MAN who is fairly tall, with red
eyes, messy green hair, a big, oversized jacket that comes up
over his mouth, and slightly oversized blue jeans. She walks
up to him quickly and GRABS him by the collar.
The Young man is a little flustered, as he isn't used to
pretty young women grabbing him roughly out of the blue,
holding fast to his arm.
MISS DREAM
YOU THERE! Boy! Tell me where the
Hicky-wa shrine is!
YOUNG MAN
(mumbling)
Umm... it's pretty far away,
Miss...
The young man wants to get away from this person who's
grabbed him. When he gets a good look at her, however (the
fully developed "twentysomething" Hotaru, he *really* wants
to get away, because he has a girlfriend and doesn't want her
to get the wrong idea.
MISS DREAM
HEY! You're kinda CUTE! MUA...
HEHEHE!
Miss Dream starts eyeing up the young man, sizing him up like
a piece of prime rib at the supermarket. For his part, the
young man blushes furiously, not sure what to make of all the
attention, but getting more uncomfortable by the second.
YOUNG MAN
Ehehehe... like I said, it's a good
distance from here...
He steps back a bit, trying to put distance between himself
and the person he mentally describes as "crazy chick". But
she still has a firm grasp on his arm.
MISS DREAM
Want to... take me... there?
Dream looks down at her waist area suggestively and chuckles.
The young man can't help but follow the track of her gaze,
and his face turns beet red. The innuendo is _not_ lost on
him. He gulps, and does his best to get out of the situation,
extremely flattered though he may be.
YOUNG MAN
Umm... heh, I umm... actually
have... a girlfriend... already...
He shuffles and bit and starts to pull away.
MISS DREAM
My My... aren't we assuming a lot,
my beautiful... HEY! WHAT'S YOUR
NAME, KID?! SPILL IT!
Dream's demeanour shifts from "Sly minx" to "overly excited
teenage girl" in a nanosecond, and the Young Man is taken
aback by the sudden change, so much so that he freezes in
place. A pity, too-- because he might have gotten away.
YOUNG MAN
F- Furu, miss--
Miss Dream hops up and down. Her previously cool and cold
demeanour from the last battle is completely gone, replaced
with the giddy insanity of a teenage girl with a massive
crush the likes of which the world has never seen.
(How much of this is due to the influence of the Tomoe
insanity or Hotaru's own repressed libido is a matter of
question. Most likely the two elements are interconnecting to
create this perfect storm of hyperactive hormonality.)
MISS DREAM
FURU!? WOW! THAT'S SO CUUUUUUTE!
(squeals)
ALMOST AS CUTE AS YOU, SUGAR! YOU
CAN CALL ME MISS DREAM, BECAUSE
I'M...
She takes a deep breath, and does a "shimmy" type wiggle that
does much to accentuate her curves.
MISS DREAM
(sultry voice)
...DREAAAAAAMY!
As Furu does his best to not nosebleed, he stands there,
momentarily stunned. Dream takes the copportunity to GRAB him
by the high collar of his jacket, pulling him behind her. As
she moves, she does a Kitagawa-style butt-wiggle and asks:
MISS DREAM
Aren't I, Furu-hun? AREN'T I?!
FURU can't help it and nosebleeds.
FURU
(Sotto)
Oh, man...
(full voice)
I uh... I guess so...
MISS DREAM
YAY! NOW LET'S GO, BOYFRIEND!
Dream giggles like a schoolgirl and pulls Furu even faster
behind her, but Furu's thoughts are still of his girlfriend,
and so he makes one last ditch attempt to get out of whatever
it is Dream has planned for him. He takes a bold stance and
pleads, weakly.
FURU
B-But... I already have a girl--
Dream isn't listening, immersed in her own fanciful
speculations. The two disappear down the street as bystanders
look on, curiously.
CUT TO:
11 A BLURRY GREY AND BLACK SCENE. 11
We hear laboured breathing and coughing.
The picture SLOWLY comes into focus on Haruka as the color
levels rise.
Haruka sits on the ground before a reddish background which
is blurred. We are not supposed to be privy to the details of
it just yet.
HARUKA
Damn tidal wave... shit... broke
every fucking bone in my body.
Or... at least it felt like it...
Haruka twitches, feeling something tickling the top of her
hair, a light, brushing sensation, like fingers flicking over
it. Instinctively, she puts her hand to the top of her head,
and brushes against something hard, smooth and almost razor
thin. A look of annoyance crosses over her face. Clearly this
is a feeling familiar to her. Looking up with an "ugh"
expression, she sees what she was expecting to-- a shiny,
golden, halo. The realization hits her that once again, she
is quite, quite dead. Passed on. Ceased to be. Moribund.
Extinct. She sighs.
HARUKA
Aww man, what is this-- the third,
fourth, fucking time!?
For lack of anything else to do, she grabs the halo and pulls
it down in front of her, looking at it. Looking into the
distance (Which we still can't see very well), she HURLS the
halo forward with a flick of the wrist, sending it flying
like a frisbee. Within seconds, however, the halo curves, and
FLIES back at her with rapid speed, SMACKING her HARD in the
face before SPRINGING up and coming back to rest over her
head with a slight wobble.
Haruka sighs. She wipes her brow and notices that her clothes
are soaked through with sweat.
She finally decides to take a look around, and the background
snaps into focus as we see exactly where she is.
The camera PULLS BACK to a WIDE SHOT revealing that Haruka is
standing on a barren, coal-black rock crag, which is
surrounded by slow moving floes of red and yellow lava, from
which huge sheets of flame spit forth, dancing menacingly.
There are huge, sheer, red-hot walls of rough granite that
seem to stretch upwards for infinity. Unnervingly surreal
screams of unimaginable torment and suffering rip through the
air with a kind of reverse echo effect. Haruka sighs as the
camera PUSHES IN to a CU of her face as she exasperatedly
says:
HARUKA
Figures. I died and ended up in
Doom 2. Not even 3. This really
*is* hell.
Pull back a bit to afford a wider shot. The screen SHAKES as
a giant red goat's leg SLAMS down onto the ground near
Haruka, so tall that Haruka herself barely comes up to the
knee joint. She has to crane her head to look up and see the
owner of the leg, who we never see, but hear. This fellow,
BIG RED, speaks in a booming voice with cliched reverb and
echo effects.
BIG RED
Haruka Ten'ou...
Haruka's eyes widen. She knows EXACTLY who this is. He's just
as she'd always pictured him in the sermons she used to
ignore as a child. Faced for the first time with the ultimate
arbiter of her destiny, the one who has the power to shape
her existence for the rest of time, she manages to get out
two little words.
HARUKA
Hoooh... shit.
BIG RED laughs, the sound of his amusement sending chills
down Haruka's spine. His tone, however, is friendly and
conversational-- after all, what does he have to fear in his
house?
BIG RED
Sooo... you've finally made it down
here to see me, huh? HUA HAH AH
AHAH HAH!
Haruka gulps. What's she's seeing is scaring the living shit
out of her. Suddenly she realizes she's in a big mess. And
not just the big mess in her pants, either.
BIG RED
You don't know how long I've waited
for this moment, Haruka. Can I call
you that? Of course I can! We're
all buddies here, right?
Haruka blinks, still literally scared shitless. She raises
her right index finger into the air tentatively, as if about
to make a point, which she is, in fact, going to try to do.
HARUKA
Umm... I uhh, don't know how to put
this... but I think that maybe,
maybe there was a clerical error
somewhere? You know, a Parademon
knocked back some mead when filling
in the paperwork or something?
Big Red laughs again. He's heard all the lines before.
BIG RED
We don't make those mistakes down
here, Haruka. We're dedicated to
100% best accounting practices.
(scowls)
That Enron shit bit us in the ass
down here. Damn Arthur Andersen!
They're rotting in a VERY special
level, I assure you!
Haruka goes paler than before. The talk of "levels" starts to
lend the whole experience a greater verisimilitude than it
had had before. At first to her this was a surreal, dream
like experience, but now it was curving towards the concrete,
disturbingly quickly.
HARUKA
I uhh, I was a Sailor Senshi. You
know, those sexy short-skirted
soldiers of love and justice?
Big Red winces at the mention of the "l" and "j" words. You
can swear all you want in Big Red's house, but those two
words make the big guy cross. Really cross. He bellows out
the next words
BIG RED
RAHHHH! DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS
HERE!!
The scene SHAKES like an earthquake is going on-- because in
fact, one is. Haruka does her best to keep her footing,
looking much like a drunken surfer on a mechanical bull.
The lava in the slow moving-floes EXPLODES and leaps into the
air, providing a powerfully pyrotechnic accompaniment to the
inner rage of Big Red. Haruka does her best not to lose her
lunch, and amazingly, still manages to try and press her
point as the aftershocks of the quake die down.
HARUKA
Uhh, right, hehe... but you see,
erm, that's the kind of shit that
makes me think I should be, you
know--- up there, as opposed to
down here-- which isn't so bad, of
course-- you do a great decorating
job and all-- but I mean, I just
wouldn't fit in.
Haruka points to the ceiling as a slight heavenly music STING
plays on the soundtrack. The SOUND of a thick BOOK being
pulled off a bookshelf and opened, followed by the sound of
pages being turned rapidly, can be heard. Big Red is planning
to put this feeble line of argument down once and for all.
Haruka, for her part, is afraid that Big Red is going to
throw the book at her... literally. But to her surprise, he
does not.
BIG RED
Let's see here... Aren't you the
same Ten'ou Haruka who tried to
kill a frail young girl, and
stabbed her comrades in the back?
Haruka sighs and rolls her eyes. She's heard this charge more
times than she wants to recall. Forgetting her fear for an
instant-- so annoyed is she about what she considers a
spurious accusation-- that she paces and snaps:
HARUKA
Tactical sacrifices! For the
greater good! How can I be damned
for stuff designed to SAVE the
world?
If we could see his face, Big Red would be wincing right now.
Saving the world isn't exactly something he likes to
encourage. This irritation comes through in the tone of his
voice, even as he continues reciting more damning charges.
BIG RED
So the time you called the police,
said you were being beat up by your
fat bastard of a stepfather, then
gave your neighbor's address and
watched him get hauled off by the
cops, all because he played Garth
Brooks on the radio too loud one
day, was that for the Good of the
World?
Haruka is totally nonplussed at this too. She was expecting
some examples of *wrong* behaviour. Looking up at Big Red
with an almost "well, duh" expression on her face, she
replies flatly:
HARUKA
He was listening to *Garth Brooks*.
Big Red coughs. The sound echoes across the deep, dank
caverns of his massive domain. Even he has to admit that
Haruka has a point there.
BIG RED
Bad example. Fine. What about the
time you subscribed the grumpy old
man down the street to "Playboy",
"Playgirl", "Hustler" AND "Barnyard
Love" by dropping subscription
cards in the mail, ticking off the
"bill me" option--
Haruka chuckles a bit, for an instant completely missing the
point that this is being used against her as an example of a
*bad* thing.
HARUKA
--Hahah, he was so pissed off all
the time, I thought he'd behave
better if he got some action--
Big Red's inflections don't change as he relates the REST of
that particular tale.
BIG RED
--AND got a camera crew on hand to
film the mailman so that the whole
town could see what a "pervert" he
was? Was that for the good of the
world?
Haruka suddenly realizes, to her SHOCK, that this is being
turned against her, and irritatedly counters.
HARUKA
Hey he was always picking on us
kids! What I did was for great
justice!
Big Red can't believe the level of denial he's dealing with
here. He's had to deal with some really nasty, deluded types,
but Ten'ou Haruka is taking the cake. Bigtime. Incredulously,
Red continues:
BIG RED
He picked on you for breaking all
the windows in his house with
rocks. And leaving flaming bags of
shit on his stoop!
HARUKA
(dismissively)
Meh. Details.
Red makes a slight noise from his massive demonic throat,
something akin to a gutteral whine that gets interrupted very
quickly. The sound of more pages flipping can he heard. When
he next speaks, it's more quickly and roughly.
BIG RED
What about the time you rigged a
220 volt electrical socket to the
urinals in the teacher's lounge at
your high school? WAS THAT GOOD?!
Haruka busts out laughing, slapping her knees and clutching
her belly, trying to keep her insides from splitting.
HARUKA
Oh HELL yes, that was hilarious!
The SCREAMS coming from the
teacher's lounge! Half of them
couldn't sit down for weeks! And
the shit they took from their
wives! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Big Red just numbly continues the litany of offenses.
BIG RED
You replaced the Barney videotapes
of your snobbish neighbor's kid
with "Fill Bill" and "Utena does
Uruguay"!
Haruka shrugs.
HARUKA
Hey, BOTH father and son got an
education! And they never
complained about me and Michi's
noises again!
Big Red's voice goes up in pitch as he almost frantically
yells out
BIG RED
Posing as Policewoman on the
telephone and trying to get your
neighbor to omit to blackmailable
offenses?
Suavely, confidently, assuredly, Haruka replies
HARUKA
Just doing my civic duty against
crime.
Haruka does a click-click noise with her teeth and points to
Big Red in a "shooting" gesture ala Telly Savalas' "Who got
ya babe".
Big Red coughs again, the rapid, annoying beating of his
black heart echoing across the plenum of hell for a minute.
Then he does something not entirely unexpected to anyone--
well, except for Haruka, of course. His voice is heavy with
sentimental emotion as he says,
BIG RED
You've done me SO proud!
Haruka starts. She deftly dodges a falling teardrop the size
of a human body. It EXPLODES on the ground in a hiss of
acidic steam. Nervously, Haruka asks
HARUKA
I have?
The TEARS are falling fast and furious now, and Haruka has to
do an amusing "hop-skip-jump" dance routine just to keep
herself from being scalded by the red hot tears. The raw,
quivering, EMOTION coming from the weepy Big Red is
farcically overdone.
BIG RED
You're truly a wretched hive of
amoral, ruthless, self-centered
scum and villainy unto yourself, a
TRUE credit to my name!
Haruka isn't too pleased with the verdict, but is too
dumbstruck by the sight of a weepy Big Red to show her
irritation. Instead, she numbly looks up and mutters
HARUKA
Uhh... that's... really... good to
know.
With a paternal air, Big Red sniffles and replies
BIG RED
Stick with me, kid, and soon you'll
be running this place...
A string of words said together at really high speed (like
those rapid-fire disclaimers at the end of car commercials on
the radio) follows that sentence. Haruka misses it at first,
so shocked is she at what she has heard. But she catches on
after a second.
HARUKA
I... will? Wait. What's that
really fast stuff you said?
Big Red whistles, trying to feign ignorance, the huge goat
leg that we can see rocks back and forth a little.
BIG RED
I don't know what you mean.
Haruka isn't buying it, a "gimme a break" look on her face.
HARUKA
Spill.
Red sighs. He hates the ones that are actually devious enough
to catch on. Muttering under his breath in the same kind of
evasive way Haruka might if called on the carpet for
something similar, he mutters
BIG RED
Oh that, just a little disclaimer.
Heh.
Haruka closes her eyes and shakes her head slightly, before
opening them again and saying
HARUKA
(dimly)
Uh-huh. So lemme hear it.
Big Red sighs and slowly recites the disclaimer.
BIG RED
* = prince of domination over the
legions of hell includes your
eternal soul, and consent to be the
servile play-things of the hentai
hellhounds of Abaddon, plus full
assignment of all present and
rights to the XXXX-rated videotapes
of your denigration, debasement and
demonically debauched defilement to
Walled-Mart Corporation for sale to
sick freaks in the seamy
underground Japanese pornography
industry.
Veins pop out in Haruka's forehead, and she balls up her
fists in a "I KNEW IT" gesture. Exasperatedly, she yells
HARUKA
Screw that shit!
Irate that someone would DARE to mock his SWEET DEAL, Big Red
yells back
BIG RED
YOU DARE REJECT MY OFFER OF
DOMINION OVER HELL!?
Haruka is now totally unafraid, more annoyed than anything
else. She locks gazes with Big Red and rants
HARUKA
Dude, it's a blast furnace filled
with melted rocks and fucked-up
screaming people with sickass
psychological hang-ups, it's like
someone took my high school
cafeteria, fused it with an AOL
chat room and an Emo band! Who the
fuck would want to run this shit?
Big Red's choking, sobs of grief can be heard. The anguish he
feels at hearing his beloved domain described like this cuts
him to the very quick. The raw emotions he feels come through
as he manages to get out the next few lines in between bouts
of weeping:
BIG RED
LOOK, YOU! IT TOOK AEONS TO CRAFT
THIS LOOK! YOU WOUND ME, TEN'OU
HARUKA! FINE, JERK! BURN HERE! BURN
IN THE FIRE OF YOUR MANY SINS!
The giant goat leg suddenly vanishes in a burst of CGI flame.
Haruka does her best to shield herself from the flames,
which, surprisingly don't burn her (although she reacts as if
they should). Without the leg in the shot, Haruka's isolation
becomes highly apparent.
Haruka finds herself alone again, and ironically missing the
big guy. At least he was someone to talk to. We stay on the
wide shot for the next line, which Haruka mutters to herself
as she walks across the blasted black outcrop, idly, having
all the time in Hell.
HARUKA:
Aww crap! The first day here and I
piss off the boss.
Haruka looks around at the blasted, ruined, grotesque
environment and sighs. The slight lowering of her head can
barely be seen, since we are still zoomed out quite a ways.
Haruka continues to mutter to herself.
HARUKA
I wonder if I'm going to be saddled
with some kind of fucked-up ironic
punishment, like being drowned in
beer over and over, or forced to
have all kinds of impossible,
deviant adventures with hot women
until it loses all meaning to me
and I become jaded, bitter and
cynical for all eternity, never
again able to appreciate the
pleasures of the flesh.
The next shot is from Haruka's POV, a shaky steadicam looking
over the charcoal-black ground, which we can now see is
actually made of burnt, scorched bones and skulls. We follow
her gaze across to _something_ which is rising out of the
ground. We continue following it up as we see this as the
stand of a fairly ornate, King-sized BED, fitted with
expensive and elegant silk sheets and the like.
MICHIRU, dressed in one of her formal black dresses, lounges
on the bed on her side, a generous amount of left leg exposed
by a slit in the side of the dress. There is a golden halo
like Haruka's over her head. She no longer seems to have any
wounds, and is obviously able to see quite well, as her
expression changes to one of joy as she catches sight of
Haruka. Joyfully, she calls out
MICHIRU
Haruka!
Leave Haruka's POV and switch to a standard shot.
Haruka can't believe her eyes. Not only is Michiru here, but
there is also a Green Orion slave woman from Star Trek.
(behind the bed, where Michiru isn't looking) Suddenly
feeling really good about herself again, she grins widely and
exclaims-- a little too loudly--
HARUKA
Yay for the ironic punishment of
deviant adventures with hot women!
For a moment, Michiru is silent, clearly not amused, her eyes
narrowing dangerously. In a low voice dripping with menace,
she asks
MICHIRU
Who are you calling a deviant,
Haruka?!
For her part, Haruka totally fails to spot the danger signs
(which is hardly surprising) and opens her arms wide.
HARUKA
Nobody, honey! Say... That's a nice
mattress... it looks pretty firm.
Shall we... test it?
Haruka waggles her eyebrows, COMPLETELY ignoring the
increasing shadow of black rage that is beginning to cover
Michiru's features. Blithely, she continues:
HARUKA
If you're going to *punish* me,
shouldn't we get started ASAP?
Michiru's only response is to look slightly downwards in
trembling rage and to SLAP Haruka HARD across the side of the
face. The CRACK echoes for a few seconds, and a hand-shaped
red WELT adorns the side of Haruka's face. For her part, a
look of complete SHOCK crosses Haruka's face-- not because
the woman she loves has slapped her-- but because her advance
was rebuffed. Annoyedly and confusedly, she demands
HARUKA
Dammit! What's the benefit of
getting sent to Hell if shit goes
down just like it does at home!?
MICHIRU
(dangerously, dryly)
You *did* ask to be punished.
Haruka shakes her head, the welt already vanishing, as she
begins to rant again.
HARUKA
Geez. This is my domestic life
EXACTLY except the Air
conditioning's broken and the
neighbors are wailing in horrific
pain instead of passionate heat!
Michiru, for her part, while still being angry, is now
entering a state of incredulous shock. As used as she is to
Haruka's bouts of clod-like thickheadedness and often moronic
behaviour, given the circumstances, she expected a bit better
of her "lesser half".
MICHIRU
(incensed)
Haruka! We got sent to hell, and
all you can think about is *that*?!
Haruka is so upset at the rebuff of her amorous intentions
that she speaks without thinking, revealing something she
will regret in precisely three seconds.
HARUKA
Shut up, succubus! I'm ranting!
Michiru begins to twitch rapidly, realizing for the first
time that Haruka didn't even think she was HERSELF, but
rather some sex-crazed demoness... the full import of the
realization still has two seconds to hit her, however. All
she can manage to do at the moment is splutter the word
MICHIRU
(livid)
SUCCUBUS?!
Haruka just continues on blindly, walking PAST Michiru and
looking at the ground, then stopping to ogle the cavorting
Orion Slave woman, as Michiru's face becomes blood-red with a
growing rage. If there was any sea nearby, it would have been
churning with unmatched fury at the moment. Haruka continues
to talk, oblivious.
HARUKA
Yeah, you'll lure me to your bed,
have your way with me, then when
I'm not looking you'll scoop out my
eyeballs and rip out my spleen, my
guts all over your face!
Michiru unconsciously puts one hand to her eyes, which are
intact. She is obviously having flashbacks to the season
finale, where her eyes had been gouged out. She also is hit
by the revelation that Haruka was more than willing to "do
it" with a succubus, since she obviously didn't realize it
was the real her.
MICHIRU
Don't mention gouged out eyes, YOU
INSENSITIVE MORON!
Haruka stops, her blood running cold, and a chill passing
over her. She suddenly realizes that what stands before her
is no succubus, no illusion, but the real Kaioh Michiru. Who
is looking REALLY pissed. In a halting voice, Haruka begins
HARUKA
W..wait a sec... Michi? Is that...
you, you?
MICHIRU
(venom in her voice)
Well who else did you think it
would be?! Some "easy" demon?!
It has been three seconds, and Haruka regrets her words, as
the revelation that hit Michiru now hits her-- in the form of
Michiru's hand across her face. AGAIN.
The sound echoes across hell, and for a few seconds all is
quiet except for the hissing and bubbling of the lava floes.
Finally, proving that she really doesn't know when to quit,
Haruka starts talking again.
HARUKA
But this is hell... fuck! Don't
tell me my ironic punishment is
being stuck here with YOU for
eternity?!
Haruka's eyes widen as she realizes just how deep in her
mouth she just wedged her foot. Michiru's expression is
beyond enraged, but tears are coming into her eyes as well.
That hurts Haruka even more than the prospect of getting hit
again.
Michiru turns her back to Haruka, sobbing as she speaks.
MICHIRU
OH, LIKE THAT WOULD BE SO BAD! When
we fell against Galaxia, don't you
remember what I said to you?!
Haruka's expression softens. She remembers that all too well,
the last words Michiru had said to her at that time. Lost in
something a reverie, Haruka repeats them.
HARUKA
"I can endure anything with you...
even being burned by the fires of
hell..."
Haruka's tone of voice instantly conveys to Michiru that
these too, are her words. Michiru sighs, unable to stay angry
at Haruka, and turns back to face her, approaching her, still
crying. Her voice soft, she says
MICHIRU
And so I will...
She hugs Haruka tightly. Haruka wraps her arms around Michiru
and looks at her softly for a moment before returning her
gaze to their surroundings. Musing on something, she slowly
releases Michiru and asks
HARUKA
Waitasec. This is *Hell* right...?
Michiru looks around, takes stock of the environment and
nods.
MICHIRU
It certainly looks like it.
Haruka's expression becomes more and more puzzled. Something
is clearly bugging her, and she's itching to share the
mystery.
HARUKA
But... Hell is where you get
punished... Yet here we BOTH are.
Michiru's expression goes blank, as she realizes sadly WHY
exactly the two of them are there. Slowly, haltingly, she
begins
MICHIRU
Haruka, you and I both know...
We're here to pay for the blood of
betrayal that is on our hands from
that fateful night so many years
ago.
Both she and Haruka look down sadly, as they remember the
details of their final stand against Galaxia, and what they
had done to Hotaru and Setsuna. Haruka puts her hand under
Michiru's chin and raises it. She locks gaze with her softly.
HARUKA
But Michi, being with you... is no
punishment...
Michiru smiles.
MICHIRU
Oh, Haruka...
Haruka then lets go of her and starts pacing, absorbed in
some kind of profound thought, totally deflating the romantic
tension of the moment, her tone getting more and more hyper
and ranty. Michiru just WATCHES, unsure of quite how to
react.
HARUKA
No no, I'm not being sappy. I mean
it. What the fuck kind of
punishment is being locked in hell
WITH your lover. Not like we're
being kept from each other or
anything. Unless... (looks her
over, eyes lingering downwards)...
is it... gone? Or locked up?
Michiru facefaults at the utter *stupidity* Haruka is once
again displaying. For the THIRD time, her hand finds its way
to Haruka's face, delivering another crisp slap, which is so
hard that Haruka's halo comically wobbles around in little
circular motions around her head for a few seconds.
MICHIRU
IDIOT!
Haruka, for her part, is pretty much desensitized to getting
slapped now, and so just mutters, in an innocent, almost
child-like voice
HARUKA
OK, so that's not it.
Michiru sighs and decides that perhaps if she explains HER
experience to Haruka, the gravity of the situation might
become more clear to her.
MICHIRU
Haruka. After I drowned I found
myself here. This HAS to be Hell. I
was in an absolutely filthy den of
inequity!
Michiru is almost stunned to find out that suddenly she has
Haruka's COMPLETE attention, with Haruka hanging on her every
world. Michiru shakes her head slightly as she realizes that,
despite her wish that Haruka was listening to her raptly out
of a need to learn something, it was, in fact, more likely
that Haruka was entranced by the phrase "den of inequity".
HARUKA
(astonished)
No shit! A Den of Inequity!?
(mutters)
Why the fuck didn't *I* get sent to
one! Some people have all the luck!
Michiru suppresses the reflexive urge to kill and just
decides to get on with it rather than hit Haruka again. She
gets more agitated as she speaks, remembering the sheer
torture of it.
MICHIRU
Yes. It was pure hell. Those incubi
and succubi were so filthy and
unkempt! The noises they made with
each other!
Haruka is biting her pale knuckles now, desperately TRYING to
imagine. Michiru is too wrapped up in her tale to notice.
MICHIRU
And don't let me tell you how badly
they dressed, even if they bothered
to dress at all!
Haruka is looking at her, slackjawed.
HARUKA
*Bothered to dress*?!
Michiru is no longer really paying attention to her.
MICHIRU
It took all my stamina just to make
them wear proper sets of
fashionably elegant, yet
understated clothes, and impress
upon them the value of proper
dining etiquette!
CUT TO:
12 INT. DINING ROOM OF HELL 12
The soundtrack switches to a refined harpsichord track as we
QUICK PAN across of various demons and succubi dressed in
refined, Victorian era clothes, sipping tea, passing plates
with cakes on them, and getting rapped on their knuckles by
Michiru, who is wielding a fearsome ruler.
The Soundtrack goes silent again except for background SFX as
we
CUT TO:
13 INT. HARUKA'S HELL 13
Michiru is now fuming, pacing all around Haruka, who is still
numbly imagining the goings-on she must have missed.
MICHIRU
As I was JUST making things
manageable, I remembered our vow,
and saw you standing before me, in
this... barren bordello...
Haruka dimly processes the tale as she begins to apply more
than one brain cell to the problem.
HARUKA
Really... and I thought of being
trapped with hot women and you
appeared... as well as that Orion
Slave girl over there...
Michiru just GLARES at Haruka, finally taking note of the
cavorting green Orion woman. Haruka, for once, realizes the
depth of peril she has exposed herself to, and looks to the
slave woman, waving her off.
HARUKA
Sorry babe. I'm taken.
The Orion Slave girl leaves, dejectedly, head bowed. Haruka
shakes her head at the waste of it all, and then looks to
Michiru, hoping she hasn't just shot herself in the foot.
HARUKA
You're SURE you're not an illusion,
right?
Michiru briefly ponders SOCKING Haruka, but just sighs.
MICHIRU
Certainly not!
(Worriedly, realizing she
fears the same)
Are you?
Haruka points to herself with her right thumb confidently.
HARUKA
Hell no!
Michiru too, begins to see the problem Haruka posed, about
the two lovers seemingly, against all odds, being able to
remain together in hell. True, it was the stuff of her
firmest belief, but--
MICHIRU
But we're dead... and we've gone to
hell... haven't we?
Haruka's skepticism grows as she narrows her eyes, takes
another look around and replies slowly
HARUKA
I'm not... so sure about that...
CUT TO:
14 EXT. EVA NIGHTMARE BATTLEFIELD (NIGHT) 14
Haruka groans as she wakes up slowly, the gritty feel of sand
under her. No longer sweaty in the least, she blinks as she
looks up into the midnight blue sky, stars twinkling
overhead. The pale yellowish moon shines down on the blood
red lake, the center of which is still taken up by the giant
Setsuna head, its rictus grin still as eerie as ever.
Propping herself up on her elbows, Haruka notices something
different about herself. She absently runs her left hand over
the space above her head, her fingers meeting no resistance
except for the almost imperceptible press of displaced air.
Her halo is gone. Realization dawns.
HARUKA
Holy shit... I'm alive again...
w00t!
Haruka's exuberance at being alive is quickly displaced by
utter shock as she spies something out the corner of her eye.
PULL BACK to show a small, about hand-sized blue creature in
a white floppy hat and white pantboots slowly walking up to
Haruka, leaving little indentations in the sand behind it as
it goes.
PUSH IN on the creature, revealing it to be a SMURF with a
rather pronounced five o'clock shadow of stubble, smoking a
stogie and brandishing a fairly large handgun.
(eyes widen as she sees a small blue creature standing before
her wielding a rather large handgun)
Haruka exhales in shock.
HARUKA
What the hell!? A smurf with a .45
magnum?! That's fucking Hard Core!
When the SMURF speaks, it's with a hoarse, grizzled Brooklyn,
New York accent. The stogie in its mouth bobs up and down
with each word.
HARDCORE SMURF
If ya know what's good fer ya,
Ten'ou, ye'll stay ded.
POV shot of the Smurf from Haruka's POV. The screen is filled
with the barrel of the .45. A click is heard.
PUSH IN to the barrel of the gun to show us the TIP of a .45
Shell. SHOW the gases swirling around the bullet and PULL
BACK as we follow its exit from the gun, the screen flashing
WHITE as it clears the barrel.
SWITCH to a MEDIUM SHOT of The Smurf discharging a shot
STRAIGHT into Haruka's head. Then go to a Closer Shot of
Haruka rubbing the top of her head.
HARUKA
OW, Motherfucker!
The Smurf's jaw drops, and his stogie falls out onto the
ground. It's clear he wasn't expecting *this*.
HARDCORE SMURF
Da fuck?! Why ain't yous dead?
Haruka continues to rub the top of her head, GLARING irately
the Smurf. She's too pissed off to be afraid of it.
HARUKA
Because that was a flesh wound! The
bullet grazed off the top of my
skull!
The Smurf facepalms, not believing what it's heard. Picking
the stogie off the ground, it puts it back in its mouth and
waves the gun around excitedly as it yells.
HARDCORE SMURF
Ya Moron, a .45 fiahed point blank
at yer damn head don't give yas no
damn flesh wound!
Haruka stops running her head and sits up, gesticulating
wildly as she protests.
HARUKA
Yes it does! I see it in the movies
all the damn time!
The Smurf closes its eyes and shakes its head, muttering
HARDCORE SMURF
I can't believe dis shit! Da
fuckahs' too damn STUPID to die
right!
Haruka can't believe she's getting dissed by a SMURF.
HARUKA
I resent that shit, Smurfette!
The Smurf's eyes fly open, and it spins around 360 degrees
"mask" style, whipping out not one, but TWO .45 Magnums,
screaming
HARDCORE SMURF
DO I LOOKS LIKE A CHICK TO YOUS?!
WIDE SHOT. Without waiting for a reply, the smurf UNLOADS
BOTH BARRELS into Haruka, with gratuitous explosions of blood
and gristle exploding everywhere.
SLOW MOTION. The soundtrack switches to a wailing orchestral
piece, as we FOCUS in on the Smurf's crazed look of murderous
rage, CUTTING to the shots of the spent shells flying in the
air, CUTTING again to the shocked look of Haruka as more and
more of her gets blown away.
LINGER on her body flailing backwards, and slumping into the
white sands, blood leaking everywhere. CUT to the Smurf
pulling out a BILLY CLUB and going to work on the remains
with savage grace, smashing Haruka to a pulp.
END SLOW MOTION. The operatic music ends. PULL back as the
blood-covered Smurf walks away, tracking blood in its
footsteps. It turns back to regard the pulpy mass of Ex
Haruka one last time, yelling
HARDCORE SMURF
DIE PROPER, DUMASS!
CUT TO:
15 INT. HARUKA AND MICHIRU'S HELL 15
In an echo of the beginning of the last scene, a completely
clean (but sweaty) Haruka gets back up, this time on the
charred black plain of burnt bones. She feels the top of her
head once more, and fingers the halo over her head. Michiru
looks at her in shock.
MICHIRU
Haruka, what happened to you? You
vanished...
Haruka sighs and shakes her head as Michiru extends a hand
and helps her to a standing position. Haruka just SPEWS her
next line.
HARUKA
Motherfucking smurf shot my ass in
the head, then went all Rodney king
AND Abner Louima on my ass! DAMN!
Haruka needs the preparation H!
Michiru takes that in numbly, uncomprehending. She looks
Haruka over. Haruka looks totally intact.
MICHIRU
You don't look it...
Haruka fumes.
HARUKA
Well I FEEL it!
She feels her butt, remembering some unpleasant experiences
with the billy club. Suddenly, a voice from behind her gets
both hers and Michiru's attention.
HARDCORE SMURF
Ten'ou! Dats wat u get fer not
payin' attention wen I taks to ya!
Haruka facefaults and just POINTS at it, her arm shaking.
Finally, she manages to exclaim
HARUKA
Holy shit, the smurf!
Michiru regards the uncouth Smurf dimly.
MICHIRU
A Smurf. In hell. Wonderful. I
wonder if it leaves behind little
pellet-like droppings which I shall
have to clean up until the end of
time.
The Smurf ignores her, focusing solely on Haruka. It points
at her.
HARDCORE SMURF
Ten'ou, listen up!
Haruka, for her part, has moved straight from Shock to
revenge, and has already raised up her foot. Snarling, she
yells
HARUKA
FUCKER!
With a swift STAMP of her foot, she brings it down atop the
Smurf with all the strength that she can muster. The ground
around her footbottom cracks and splits. Michiru winces a
bit, not wanting to picture the mess that lies under Haruka's
shoe. Her expression changes from disgust to shock, however,
as Haruka suddenly goes flying into the air, falling
backwards on her bottom, the leg she had brought down on the
smurf stuck up in the air.
The smurf stands right where it was, huffing in anger. It
does its best to rein in its temper.
Michiru helps Haruka back to her feet as they both regard the
small blue creature, which points to Haruka again. Haruka
just grins slyly and turns to Michiru, asking
HARUKA
Yo, Michi-- If you Choke a Smurf,
what color does it turn?
The smurf regards Haruka dimly.
HARDCORE SMURF
Listen, ya embarassment ta
evolution. Come wit me if ya wants
ta live.
Haruka looks at the Smurf incredulously.
HARUKA
The fuck should I listen to you,
hardcore smurfy smurf?
The smurf gives Haruka the finger.
HARDCORE SMURF
Because if yas don't, I'll put my
blue foot so far up yer ass you'll
think you're Mary-Kate Olson
throwing up sweet sweet blueberry
pie, bitch!
Haruka chuckles, while Michiru stands there, thoroughly
scandalized. Haruka almost feels a bond with the damn thing.
HARUKA
You know, you got a foul mouth on
you for a stubby-tailed runt.
The smurf nods, and spins as it says
HARDCORE SMURF
And... I gots dis.
The smurf produces an impossibly large, shiny BAZOOKA,
complete with lasersight, and levels it at Haruka and
Michiru.
Haruka is duly impressed, while Michiru pales a bit and
sweatdrops.
MICHIRU
I think we'll be coming with you,
Mr. Smurf.
Haruka nods, smirking to herself.
HARUKA
Uhh, yeah... sure we will!
The smurf wags his little stubby finger at them, clucking his
tiny little tongue.
HARDCORE SMURF
And don't tink about stabbin' me in
the back wit yer outer senshi ways.
Even look at me da wrong way, an'
I'll cut yous!
Haruka winces, her plan shot straight to... well, straight to
where they were at the moment.
HARUKA
Damn smartass smurf.
The Smurf hears that and points the bazooka at them
menacingly. Michiru takes the chance to point out the obvious
to Haruka, who again, seems to have missed it.
MICHIRU
A smartass smurf... with a bazooka.
Haruka fumes and makes a face as they follow the smurf.
HARUKA
Yeah.
CUT TO:
16 REAL WORLD - EXT. HIKAWA SHRINE (DAY) 16
Miss Dream and Furu stand at the bottom of the stairs that
lead to the Hikawa Shrine. Dream looks up the incredibly long
flight of stairs. Furu is panting, tired out after being
pulled across half of Tokyo by the crazy woman.
MISS DREAM
OOH, IS THIS THE HICKYWA SHRINE?!
THERE'S SO MANY STAIRS! IT'S WHACK!
FURU
Uhh, I think you pronounce it
"Hikawa"...
MISS DREAM
YEAH BUT A "HICKY" IS SOMETHING YOU
GET AFTER YOU KISS YOUR BOYFRIEND
REAL HARD ON THE NECK!!
(winks at Furu)
Furu blushes and shuffles his feet, feeling distinctly
uncomfortable.
Just as Miss Dream is about to demonstrate, she stops,
noticing someone come down the stairs, dressed in the
traditional blue and white robes of the Shinto priesthood. It
is the scruffy, long-haired lad known to all as Yuuichiro.
Yuuichiro starts for a moment as he recognizes the young
woman with Furu as Tomoe Hotaru... a seemingly older one.
YUUICHIRO
Hello... Hotaru-san? It's been such
a long time! You seem kind of...
different.
Miss Dream almost faints in delicious delirum.
MISS DREAM
(screeching)
HOLY SHIT HE'S CUTE!
Without a second thought or even a goodbye, she SHOVES Furu
away HARD, sending him reeling into the street, and into
traffic. Furu manages to dodge, and runs off, happy to be
free of the crazy woman.
FURU
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...!!
Dream starts sizing up Yuuichiro
POV shot of Yuuichiro from DREAM's perspective. PAN up and
down his length. CGI overlay of computer graphics summing up
all his vital stats, including cup size. CUT back to the
scene.
MISS DREAM
YOU'RE THAT HUNKY YUUICHIRO, AREN'T
YOU?
Yuuichiro stammers and blushes. He's not used to the praise.
YUUICHIRO
H-Hunky? Hotaru-san, you mean it?
Dream nods giddily, hopping up and down all around him.
MISS DREAM
YEAH! I CAME TO SEE THAT BITCH REI,
BUT NOW I THINK I WANNA SEE YOU!
(seductively)
ALL OF YOU, HONEY!
Yuuichiro turns red, and suddenly has a vision of a VERY
angry Shinto priestess with long black hair.
He snaps out of his daze and starts to back up the stairs
nervously, but he stumbles and lands on the stairs in a heap
as he blubbers
YUUICHIRO
Uhh, I think I hear Rei-san calling
me...
Dream leans down to help him up, deliberately letting him get
a look down her shirt, and grabbing his arm.
MISS DREAM
NO, NO, YOU HEAR THE SIREN SONG OF
LUUURVE! LET'S GO SHOPPING, YOUR
TREAT!
Yuuichiro does his best to not nosebleed, and stammers out a
plaintive
YUUICHIRO
I-- I can't!
At that moment, GRANDFATHER HINO comes down the stairs, as if
psychically attracted to the presence of a cute girl at his
shrine. He catches sight of Miss Dream about to pull
Yuuichiro. Sucking in a deep breath, in his most
authoritative voice, Hino bellows:
GRANDPA HINO
YUUICHIRO!
Dream stops to regard the source of this annoying
interruption, and Yuuichiro feels the blood in his veins
freeze. The Master! But what if he gets the wrong idea? What
if he tells Rei?! Panic begins to rise in him like mercury in
the Sahara.
YUUICHIRO
Master! I--
Hino's face is stern. He doesn't come all the way down the
stairs, choosing instead to stand on one where he can remain
slightly above the tall Yuuichiro's head, despite the reality
of his midget-esque stature.
GRANDPA HINO
Yuuichiro! It is time you grew into
your responsibilities as a man!
Yuuichiro is now in full blown panic mode, trying to pull
himself from the iron grip of Miss Dream.
YUUICHIRO
This isn't what it looks like,
Master! I'd never cheat on Rei-san!
Hino looks at Yuuichiro coldly. His utter contempt for the
young man is impossible to contain. He takes a hard look at
the beautiful Miss Dream, who is doing her best to look
tempting, and Yuuichiro, who is in a pale, cold sweat,
gripped in total, utter fear.
Hino growls and raises a wizened finger, pointing it squarely
at Yuuichiro.
GRANDPA HINO
Young man! I COMMAND YOU to take
this _kawaii_ young lady out on the
town!
Yuuichiro is totally shocked. Dream squeals in ecstatic
delight.
YUUICHIRO
But master--!
Hino shakes his head sternly, proclaiming
GRANDPA HINO
Part of being a master is knowing
when to take advantage of the ripe
bounties fate provides for us!
Dream giggles and jiggles.
MISS DREAM
YES, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY RIPE
BOUNTIES, YUUI-KUN!
Pulling Yuuichiro to his feet, Dream giggles and winks at
Grandpa Hino, and act which causes his nostrils to explode in
a gusher of blood. She then jiggles a bit, PULLING Yuuichiro
away.
As Yuuichiro is pulled away, Hino muses to himself as he
checks out some cute girls walking by.
GRANDPA HINO
Moh, Youth is so wasted on the
young. Such good fortune and he
doesn't even appreciate it!
(singsong)
Oh Kami-sama, where is my "hot
mama"?
A withered old crone from Ranma 1/2 (the one with the water)
walks by and winks at him. He hastily retreats up the stairs.
CUT TO:
17 BLACK SCREEN 17
We can't see anything, just hear the sounds of heavy, angry
breathing. The kind you hear fighters make after 12 rounds of
sheer knock-down drag-out torture. There is a loud SLAP, and
then we hear
MINAKO'S VOICE (O.C.)
How do you like that, you jerk!
SAILOR V KICK!
There is a loud squeal of electronic beeps and noises, and
then the recognizable sound of a videogame victory theme.
We PULL BACK rapidly, revealing:
18 INT. MINAKO'S HEAVEN 18
the black screen is in fact the black pupil in Minako's
crystal-blue left eye, ZOOMING in reverse until we see her
holding up her left hand in a "V" victory pose, stuffing a
doughnut in her mouth with the other hand. She too sports a
golden halo. The camera SPINS 90 degrees to show her sitting
in front of a Sailor V video game. It then PULLS BACK again
to show her in a large light blue room with arcade machines
and game consoles all over two of the walls. A giant
bookshelf filled with manga and anime DVDs takes up another
wall. Plushies and snacks are strewn everywhere. The overall
color scheme of the room is brightly colored and happy, a
stark contrast to Haruka and Michiru's environs. BGM should
be sparse and soft, like used on Rugrats.
Minako JUMPS up and down happily.
MINAKO
Yatta! I finally beat the Sailor V
game after all these years!!
Minako sighs contentedly and sits back in a lime green and
white chair as she eats a slice of Pizza that she's pulled
from somewhere off screen. She eats it with her right hand
and absently runs her left hand through her long blonde hair,
letting it ripple a little. Her eyes become semi-circles of
delight as she eats. When the slice is done, they go back to
normal, softening a bit as she continues to chew, swallow,
and finally ponder her situation more closely.
MINAKO
Heh. Being dead's not so bad... but
it's lonely.
(softly)
You'd think they'd be here...
Artemis.. X-chan...
Minako's gaze goes into the middle distance, her expression
becoming somewhat sad as she realizes how lonely her personal
heaven actually is. That expression does not last, however,
as a white blur FLASHES in from offscreen and LANDS on her
lap with enough of an impact to send her and her chair
backwards slightly.
We see Artemis curled up in her lap, looking up at her and
happily purring. He has a cute little golden halo over his
head.
SFX: Purring
MINAKO
Artemis!
Minako's expression instantly switches to one of pure joy at
seeing her best friend, and instantly she tears up as she
scoops up Artemis and gently huggles him to her chest.
Artemis looks into Minako's face and smiles, glad to see her
happy and well (all things considered)
ARTEMIS
Surprised to see me, Mina?
Minako twists a little from left to right, huggling Artemis
like a precious plushie, but being surprisingly gentle with
him at the same time. (considering how rough we've seen her
be with him unthinkingly in the past).
MINAKO
Yup...
Minako is crying now, which is a rarity, coming from the girl
who used to make it a point of pride that she never cried.
Artemis' expression is one of happiness and profound
gratitude that she would, in fact, shed tears over him like
this, although he won't say anything for fear of spoiling the
sentimental moment (assuming, quite rightly, that Minako
would immediately "toughen up". He is getting a rare look
behind the tomboyishly confident exterior and doesn't want to
stop it.
ARTEMIS
Heh. It took me getting killed to
realize that you weren't dead...
oh... but I guess you *are* now.
Heh.
Minako is almost wailing Usagi-style now as she clutches him
closer. She's blubbering her next line, the words spilling
out in an almost-too-fast-to-follow stream of consciousness.
MINAKO
ithoughti'dneverseeyouagain you
werealwaysmybestfriendthoughsticky
thinthings and iwassoafraidyou'd
gottensenttotheotherplace i'm so
happy i'm so happy...!!
Artemis, of course, is able to follow what she says.
ARTEMIS
"Thick and thin."
His correction is gentle, but his eyes narrow and his
expression becomes irritated as he parses the rest of her
words
ARTEMIS
--and what do you mean "gotten sent
to the other place?"
Minako loosens her grip on Artemis so she can better look him
in the eye, and wipes her tears out of her eyes, sniffling a
bit as she begins to explain.
MINAKO
You know, down there--
She points to the ground, raising and lowering her hand a
little to press home the point. Artemis, for his part, is not
amused, and LEAPS out of her arms, lading on a footstool,
arching his back in irritation a little and glaring at him.
The lovely mood is shattered. There is now a 90% chance of
squabble. Indignantly, he says
ARTEMIS
Yes, I know! Why would I get sent
down there?!
Minako is seemingly oblivious to his ire, taking her eyes off
him and looking up as she tries to remember something. She
presses her right index finger on her face between her right
eye and ear then looks to Artemis and points as she replies
MINAKO
Remember all those times you
cheated on Luna with the Nurse, and
those neighborhood cats?
Artemis facefaults and quickly recovers. His fur starts to
raise, and he points back at Minako, replying quickly
ARTEMIS
That thing with the nurse was a
LIE! "Nurse" Chibiusa screwed up
the DNA results on Diana! You know
that! And that next door cat thing
was the result of too much catnip
one night!
Minako again looks up, not really paying attention to him as
she mutters, reflectively,
MINAKO
...then there was the fact you got
married to an underage girl...
Veins are starting to pop out of Artemis's forehead as he
speaks.
ARTEMIS
That was Luna! My wife! And she
wasn't underage when we got
married...
Minako levels her gaze at him again and waggles her index
finger at him, chidingly replying
MINAKO
...It's all the same in the eyes of
Zod, Artemis!
Artemis grits his teeth and replies in a very frustrated,
exasperated tone (partly due to her malaprop and partly as an
exhortation)
ARTEMIS
"GOD," Mina, "GOD!"
Typically, Minako is unfazed, only half-noting Artemis
angrily quivering and shaking. She continues talking.
MINAKO
Him too... and I won't go into
those things you did to those live
action Luna plushies...
Artemis is now totally red with anger. When he speaks, he's
forcing the words out through gritted teeth, his tone a bit
high and nasal.
ARTEMIS
Again, that was my WIFE!!! Blame
Usagi and the Ginzuishou!
Minako is totally oblivious as she finishes up her thought,
stars now pulsating in her eyes as she concludes
MINAKO
...truly, Kami-sama was rewarding
my purity and virtue when he
rewarded me by bringing you here.
Artemis cannot believe the words coming out of her mouth.
Even less can he believe what Minako, who has now taken on
almost an angelic, blurred aura, complete with soft golden
backlighting and special bubbles rising on-screen in front of
her, says next as she finally looks him in the eye again and
states
Soundtrack: Soft quasi-romantic BGM
MINAKO
You should thank me for your
salvation, Artemis.
Steam is coming out of Artemis' ears now. Quivering and
shaking, he puts one forepaw over his head in complete
frustration and points the other in Minako's direction. It's
shaking uncontrollably with rage.
ARTEMIS
Thank... you?! THANK *YOU*?!
There's NO WAY you got here by
being pure!
Minako's angelic aura falls away INSTANTLY, her face now blue
black with anger, lines of rage squiggling over her head.
Soundtrack: Romantic BGM STOPS
SFX: Dull muffled GONG
MINAKO
(darkly)
What.
Artemis looks a bit calmer now, but he's still speaking with
passion in his voice, as Minako takes her turn at starting to
have veins pop out of her forehead.
ARTEMIS
You're the most scheming, devious,
cunning and manipulative girl I've
ever met! You'll do anything to
meet your goals!
Minako looks at Artemis with pure, complete utter SHOCK as
she angrily replies
MINAKO
No way!
Artemis won't have any of it, sitting up in a dignified
position and pulling down a chart that shows a stick figure
Minako lying on a stretcher with a needle in her arm, and
squiggly lines representing blood being fed to a truck as she
munches a cookie with her free arm.
ARTEMIS
You donated blood just so you could
get juice and cookies! WHILE YOU
WERE UNDERAGE!
Minako GRABS the chart and rips it up.
MINAKO
I think precious fluids of LIFE are
worth some cookies, don't you!? AND
AGE IS A STATE OF MIND!
Minako is beginning to huff, a counterpoint to the almost Zen
like Artemis, who casually pulls down another chart, showing
stick-figure Minako in various scenes torturing the stick
figure Three Lights, hanging off of them and acting all
girlfriend like.
ARTEMIS
You're the one who became the Three
Light's assistant just to get your
name in the papers, isn't that so?
Incensed, Minako produces a chart of her own, a stock-market
like graph whose red line starts low and then starts rising
in jagged peaks. She points to it as she half-yells in rapid
reply
MINAKO
Their ratings went up when they
were seen with a pretty young girl
like me! The rumours about them
were starting to go around, you
know!
Artemis' zen mask slips for a moment as he, genuinely
shocked, enquires
ARTEMIS
What rumours?!
Minako crosses her arms and looks a little self-satisfied as
she replies
MINAKO
You know, Three boys, always
together, shunning their female
fans! People were calling them the
"backseat boys!"
Artemis sweatdrops as he weakly corrects her.
ARTEMIS
"Backstreet"... err, never mind,
that's worse.
Quickly, he regains his composure, now just arguing, not even
bothering with charts.
ARTEMIS
Well what about the time you Two
timed Hawks-Eye and Fish-Eye?!
Minako tosses away her chart and stands, hand on her heart as
she retorts
MINAKO
I bet that was the only date they
ever had in their short, sad
*lives*! I brought a ray of joy and
hope into their tragic existence!
Artemis decides to go for the kill, dropping to all fours and
smirking as he unleashes his final verbal attack.
ARTEMIS
You're the one who kept hitting on
"guys" who turned out to be girls!
Haruka, Yaten, ring a bell?
Minako staggers back as if physically hit.
MINAKO
Hey! *They* tricked me...
Minako's rage dissipates as rapidly as it arose, as she
pauses and ponders something. In a small, almost child-like
voice, she mutters
and... I don't know *what* Yaten
is, really...
Artemis too, drops his anger, pondering this conundrum. He
looks at Minako, their puzzled expressions matching each
other perfectly.
ARTEMIS
Hmm, neither do I...
Minako opens and closes her mouth without saying anything,
pondering something. She nods to herself, as if deciding to
finally say it out loud, and finally ventures
MINAKO
Maybe if we see Kami-sama, we
should ask him.
Artemis just LOOKS at Minako, his jaw half open, not quite
sure what to say. Finally, he adopts an "oh brother" type
expression, muttering
ARTEMIS
Oh yes, because God has nothing
better to do than answer such
pressing questions as "When Yaten
has to go, does Yaten use the boy's
room, the girl's room, or both?"
Irately, Minako snaps
MINAKO
Hey! Inquiring minds want to know!!
Artemis turns his gaze from Minako and looks around the room,
as if searching for something. Finally, he looks back at
Minako, hops off his chair and pads over to her. Looking up,
he asks curiously
ARTEMIS
Hey... where *is* Kami-sama,
anyway?
Minako looks down at Artemis and blinks a few times,
realizing that that is a very good question.
MINAKO
I dunno... that's weird, because
this is heaven.
Artemis looks around again, his expression somewhat dim, as
if that line of reasoning has very little sway with him.
Gently sarcastic, he says
ARTEMIS
Somehow I don't think heaven is a
giant pink room filled with
plushies, arcade games, manga,
anime DVDs and snacks.
Minako's expression is totally incredulous as she retorts (as
if it's the most obvious thing in the world)
MINAKO
Of course it is! I told you, I'm
being rewarded!
Artemis isn't really paying attention, walking around and
inspecting the area, stopping for a second to stick his head
in an open bag of Cheetos and munch a bit.
SFX: Plastic bag rustling
As he pulls it out and continues to walk around (a few orange
specks on his face) he absently asks
ARTEMIS
Speaking of which, why isn't X
here?
Minako's face falls again, and her head hangs as she realizes
there's still someone missing.
MINAKO
X-chan... moh... I guess he went...
Artemis notes Mina's despondent tone of voice, and his ears
swivel in her direction before he turns around fully to look
at her, seeing her pointing down again.
Artemis shakes his head in disbelief as he yells
ARTEMIS
WHY DO YOU KEEP THINKING EVERYONE
GOES DOWN THERE?!
Typically, Minako is lost in her own thoughts again, totally
ignoring Artemis. She's bathed in a golden aura, with little
flowers showing up behind her in the background. As she hugs
herself and sways a little from left to right, she says (in a
cute voice)
MINAKO
But with such a young, beautiful,
pure, innocent wife, surely my
tender love has purified him...
Artemis facefaults, muttering
ARTEMIS
And they said *I* was nuts.
A pair of arms wraps around Minako's waist from behind,
clothed in long black velvet jacket-sleeves.
UNKNOWN VOICE (O.S.)
Surprise!
The camera motions are jerky for this next shot.
In a BEAT Minako has ducked, swung her arms up, GRABBED the
stranger behind her, and with a short YELL, FLUNG him over
her shoulder, spinning him sideways and SMASHING him into the
Sailor V game!
The camera shot steadies and slowly pans onto the smashed
Sailor V game. We see DOCTOR XADIUM sprawled in the wreckage,
a gold halo over his head, twitching and spasming as small
sparks rain down on his head.
MINAKO
Oh! X-chan!
Minako sees who it is and bows frantically.
MINAKO
Gomen nasai Gomen Nasai Gomen
nasai!
Xadium waves his hand a little and grins, utterly and
completely dazed.
XADIUM
H- Hallo, Minako... it's... good to
see you...
Minako rushes over to the arcade machine and GRABS her
husband, pulling him ROUGHLY out of the wreckage and HUGGING
him tightly.
Her eyes are squeezed shut as some more tears leak out.
Xadium, for his part, is still splayed out like a plushie
caught in a death-grip. Artemis winces a little at the sight.
Minako continues to SQUEEZE and SQUEEZE and SQUEEZE
MINAKO
X-chan!! You're here too! WAI! WAI!
Xadium recovers a little, enough to get his arms around
Minako as well. He hugs her tightly as well. When he speaks,
his voice cracks a bit with emotion, and he sniffles
slightly.
XADIUM
I missed you, my dear.
Xadium is looking at Minako with tear-filled eyes. He is
expressing the range of emotions one might come to expect
from someone who has been reunited with the woman whose name
has replaced the definition of "precious" in their
dictionary. Artemis chuckles, seeing the softer side of the
usually cold and aloof Time Lord. He can't resist cracking a
joke.
ARTEMIS
Hey... are you crying, X?
Xadium coughs a bit, and tries to mask his emotions. But the
softness in his voice and the fact that he hasn't pulled away
from his wife at all betrays his true feelings.
XADIUM
What? No... there's... something in
my eye.
Artemis chuckles knowingly.
MINAKO
Moh.. I've told you before, X-chan--
never sneak up on me... it's
dangerous.
Minako pulls away from Xadium slightly and sees his tears for
the first time. In surprised shock, she exhales
MINAKO
X-chan... you *are* crying!
Ashamed, Xadium sniffles and pulls away, wiping off his tears
with the cuff of his black velvet long coat.
XADIUM
I'm... not... crying...
Minako smiles at him, tears in her eyes too. But another
emotion is starting to bubble to the surface, one that
catches everyone in the room-- including herself-- by
surprise.
MINAKO
Well I'm crying!!
Out of the blue, she SMACKS her husband on the side of the
face angrily. Xadium backs up in shock, and Artemis looks at
Minako in disbelief.
ARTEMIS
(scolding)
Mina!
Minako's love has switched to anger, but not an anger fueled
by rage-- rather one fed by the frustration and grief of
someone that has seen someone they love cut down before them
in a senseless act of sacrifice. When she speaks, the pain in
her voice is clear.
MINAKO
BAKA! I told you to run away! You
let her cut you up into little
bits!!
Minako stumbles forward a bit and grabs Xadium in a tighter
hug than before, burying her head in his chest, as he puts
his arms around her and looks down at her, understanding her
feelings completely. Softly, he replies
XADIUM
I know... I'm still rather
perturbed by the fact that I'm
here.
Minako PULLS away rapidly and looks Xadium in the eye
angrily.
MINAKO
Eh?! You're upset that you're here
with your WIFE?!
Artemis shakes his head and mutters
ARTEMIS
If he was smart, he would be...
Minako PIVOTS at high speed and GLARES at Artemis, snapping
MINAKO
What did you say, Artemis?!
Artemis shrinks back, his back unconsciously arching and fur
raising in total fear.
Xadium tempts fate and puts his arms on Minako's shoulders
again, elaborating on his previous words in a soothing tone
of voice.
XADIUM
Minako, that's not what I meant. I
mean I'm upset that I'm dead at
all.
Minako pulls away gently and turns, wagging her index finger
in Xadium's face. She's arguing with him in the scolding tone
a wife usually employs on her errant husband.
MINAKO
That kind of thing happens when you
get chopped up like raw meat!!
Her expression softens a bit.
MINAKO
You're not immortal, you know...
Xadium chuckles.
XADIUM
Of this I am painfully aware. Pun
intended.
Minako's features darken as her anger appears again, her
annoyance stemming from the casual way Xadium is talking
about his demise, an event which hurt her very deeply. She
balls up her fists as she speaks
MINAKO
You're not a fighter or anything!
Why did you go out there?! Why
didn't you listen to me?! Remember
the Golden Rule!!
Xadium tilts his head to one side slightly as he tries to
determine what she means. Being a Time Lord, he isn't
completely steeped in all the esoterica of Terran culture.
Tentatively, he ventures
XADIUM
"Do Unto others...?"
Minako shakes her head furiously, standing up proudly and
pointing upwards sagely, eyes closed as she confidently
recites
MINAKO
"Always listen to Minako-sama!"
Artemis facefaults. Xadium's expression is one of a husband
who already is well familiar with this unspoken household
rule. He smiles and runs his hand through the hair on the
back of his head somewhat sheepishly as he reveals
XADIUM
Well... I really wasn't expecting
to die... heh.
It's Minako's turn to facefault as she looks at her husband
totally slackjawed.
MINAKO
Nani?! You thought you could
actually *beat* her? You're
insane!!
Xadium's expression is one of "no, you misunderstand".
Artemis looks at the Time Lord like he's nuts, concurring for
once with Minako.
ARTEMIS
More insane than her...
Artemis slyly points his tail at Minako, who shoots him a
quick look, but the tail is already waving around as normal
by the time she gets a good look. Xadium, for his part,
wisely chooses not to laugh, and explains himself.
XADIUM
On the contrary, I knew I was going
to lose.
Minako looks at Xadium oddly.
MINAKO
I don't get it.
Xadium starts stroking his chin and pacing, his thoughts
flowing quickly as he starts to explain to the others /
ponder things simultaneously.
XADIUM
Well, what is death here, hmm? One
gets killed. That information gets
sent from the mind to the body,
which obediently then dies, much as
in that Matrix film...
Minako nods, following so far, as does Artemis.
MINAKO
Right...
Xadium turns to face Minako, a wildish look in his brown
eyes, the kind he usually gets when wrapped up in some
abstract intellectual problem.
XADIUM
... now! You might have noticed I
closed my eyes before I got
decapitated.
Minako nods, closing her eyes for a minute.
Soundtrack: Sappy romantic BGM
Minako hugs herself, as she softly says
MINAKO
I know... it was so sweet... Your
last thoughts were of me, X-chan...
it warmed my heart...
Minako snaps her eyes open and grabs Xadium, shaking him
vigorously as she says
...even though you were a STUPID
IDIOT FOR EVEN COMING OUT THERE IN
THE FIRST PLACE!
Xadium is so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't even
notice being shook. So engrossed is he that he says the next
line, not even considering their potential impact.
XADIUM
Actually, sweetheart, my last
thoughts weren't of you.
Minako lets go of Xadium and sweatdrops, looking at him. She
points at him in shock.
MINAKO
Oh my god, you *are* a geek, aren't
you?! You were thinking of Halo 2
or something, right? Your last
thought, not of your devoted, sexy
young wife, doomed to be a widow,
but of a computer game... So
tragic!!
Minako starts to cry overdramatically, as Artemis groans,
pointing out the obvious.
ARTEMIS
Ahem, who's standing in the middle
of an *arcade*?!
Minako stops her performance and shoots Artemis a look.
MINAKO
Shut up.
Xadium, for his part, is still detached from things,
explaining away.
XADIUM
No, you see, I was actually
meditating to put my body in a self
induced coma-- it's something we
Time Lords can do, you see-- so
that it would shut down, never
receiving the "kill" signal and
waking me up automatically in the
real world.
Minako is thoroughly unimpressed.
MINAKO
Oh, so smart, Mr. Geek, but it
didn't work... and you DIED.
Xadium nods furiously, totally missing the intended insult,
continuing to pace as he ponderously pontificates, still
pondering the perplexing problem to the exclusion of all
else.
XADIUM
Yes, which is why I'm perturbed. It
should have! The plan was to hold
off Miss Dream long enough to snap
you out of your depression, or
failing that, "die", wake up in
reality and then regroup. It ought
to have worked... It *should* have
worked!
(in some kind of
revelatory shock)
Unless...!
Artemis looks up at Xadium, the excited tone of Xadium's last
word infecting him with a similar enthusiasm, even though he
has no idea why, exactly.
ARTEMIS
Unless...?!
Xadium then switches mental gears, choosing not to answer the
question, instead pulling up more supporting evidence for
whatever conclusion he's driving at. Artemis and Minako
follow on, a slight look of frustration intermingled with
anticipation on their faces. Xadium paces faster, shaking his
fist a bit as he himself puts the pieces together again,
seeking to verify what he suspects is the inevitable result.
XADIUM
When I was awake-- that is, before
I got drugged by the possessed
Professor-- we noticed that
everyone's body was totally
catatonic, totally non
responsive... all except for
Hotaru's--
Artemis' face scrunches in non-understanding. He's getting a
bit irritated at Xadium's failure to make his point, so he
snaps, slightly irritatedly
ARTEMIS
So what does that mean?
Xadium ignores him. Minako tilts her head and nods,
understanding.
MINAKO
Oh... I get it...
Artemis looks at Minako in shock.
ARTEMIS
You do?
Minako nods, and WHEELS to face Xadium, grabbing him and
yelling angrily in his face
MINAKO
YOU *DID* FEEL HER UP LIKE MISS
DREAM SAID!!
Artemis shakes his head, realizing he should have expected
her "understanding" to be something like that.
Xadium, for his part, gently pulls himself away from Minako,
and stands stiffly, grabbing the lapels of his jacket and
tugging them, somewhat incensed that his wife could accuse
him of such a thing.
XADIUM
(staunchly)
I most certainly did no such thing!
(beat)
Chibiusa did!
Minako facefaults and shakes in some form of disgusted shock.
Her mouth opens and closes spasmodically, silently, until
finally she is able to muster up a reply, yelling
MINAKO
I-- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL
TO SAY TO THAT!
Xadium resumes his pacing, finally coming to the crux of his
explanation.
XADIUM
The point is, only one mind was
active. *Hotaru's* mind. No one
else's. Souichi's supposition was
that Miss Dream could not attack
more than one dream at once. Thus,
to attack us all, we must have all
drawn been drawn into one dream, in
one mind... her mind...
Artemis nods, his thoughts finally tracking Xadium's. Minako
just watches them both. She's not lost, but about one step
behind them.
ARTEMIS
So we were drawn out of our bodies,
is that what you're saying?
Minako catches up as well, tilting her head as she asks
MINAKO
--but if that's true, then that
means--
Before Minako can complete her sentence, she's cut off by an
EXPLOSION that rocks the far end of the room. Minako
instinctively steps in front of Xadium, her eyes narrowed,
and body tensed, ready to transform if needed. Artemis LEAPS
onto her shoulder.
Out of the smoke and rubble, a tiny figure steps. It's our
familiar blue friend.
HARDCORE SMURF
Yous bettah stop rite dere, blue
eyez!
Artemis looks at the tiny creature in total shock. He, Xadium
and Minako all regard it with all the credulity it deserves,
i.e. none at all.
ARTEMIS
(shocked)
A smurf?! Smoking a stogie and...
wielding a bazooka?
The smurf points to itself and nods, smirking.
HARDCORE SMURF
Dats rite, punk!
Minako raises her foot, getting ready to step on the Smurf,
as Artemis leaps from her shoulder, raises his right front
paw and unsheathes half-inch long, wickedly sharp claws that
glint in the light. Xadium looks at Artemis askance.
XADIUM
Artemis, are those claws longer?
Artemis looks at his claws curiously.
ARTEMIS
Are they? I always thought they
were this long.
Minako looks at Artemis and chuckles.
MINAKO
You men always think they're longer
than they are.
Artemis, Xadium and the Smurf cough simultaneously. Xadium
puts his arms around Minako from behind, Minako's joke
reminding him that at last he's been reunited with the one he
loves. Totally ignoring the armed Smurf, he gently turns her
to face him, and runs right hand through her hair.
XADIUM
Minako, I must say I'm glad to see
to see you back to your old self...
Your blue eyes are as beautiful as
I remember...
Minako blushes and pulls her husband a bit closer to her. In
a low voice, she whispers
MINAKO
X-chan, just let me crush this
Smurf and then we have all of
eternity for you to tell me about
my eyes.
She smiles sweetly as the Smurf fumes, having heard her. He
fingers his bazooka.
HARDCORE SMURF
I'll frag your ass if you touch me,
goldilocks!
Xadium steps in front of Minako defensively, much to Minako's
amusement, since she, of course is far more powerful than
him. Shoving him aside, Minako rolls up her sleeves, steps
forward and cracks her neck before declaring
MINAKO
I'm already dead, baka! So BRING IT
ON!
Before the smurf can reply, a melodious voice interrupts.
VOICE (O.S.)
I think maybe we should listen to
the smurf, dear.
Artemis and Xadium start in shock. Minako pauses for a
second, her expression brightening as she recognizes the
voice.
MINAKO
Ahh! Michiru-san!
Michiru steps into view, with Haruka in two. She waves almost
cutely.
MICHIRU
Hii!
Haruka nods suavely by way of recognition.
HARUKA
Yo.
Minako jumps up and down happily.
MINAKO
Haruka-san too! But... But.. I
really thought you two would end
up...
Minako points down again as Artemis slaps his face with his
paw, not even bothering to comment. Xadium, however, nods in
agreement with his wife.
XADIUM
Actually, given their mercenary
nature, I would have thought so
too.
Haruka looks at the Time Lord with suave cool.
HARUKA
Damn X, don't be a playa hata!
With some relish, the smurf waves at Haruka and Michiru
dismissively, stating
HARDCORE SMURF
They did, the bitches.
Haruka shoots the smurf a glare and shakes her fist at it,
angrily exclaiming
HARUKA
Hey, Shut up, dumbass!
Michiru, for her part, chuckles, almost with pride.
MICHIRU
Heh.
Artemis can't believe Minako got one right.
ARTEMIS
I don't believe it...
Minako looks at Haruka and Michiru in shock for a second,
something bothering her. Finally, she figures out what it is
and gives her thought voice.
MINAKO
M: But wait, if you did go *there*,
and now you're *here*... only Kami
sama could...
Minako looks at the Smurf in something akin to awe, letting
the end of her unspoken thought hang unsaid for a moment.
After a pregnant pause, she goes ahead, asking
MINAKO
Masaka... don't tell me... are you
*God*?
Xadium and Michiru facefault as the Smurf smirks and Artemis
just shakes his head sadly.
ARTEMIS
Only Mina could think a *smurf* was
god.
Minako bends down, GRABS Artemis off the floor and looks him
right in the eye as she yells
MINAKO
HEY HE'S IMPOTENT! HE CAN LOOK LIKE
WHATEVER HE WANTS!
Xadium gently extracts Artemis from Minako's grip and rests
him on his shoulder he corrects his wife.
XADIUM
"Omnipotent," sweetheart.
Haruka, for her part, is looking at the Smurf, slackjawed.
She forces out the next words in pure shock, stepping all
over herself as she speaks
HARUKA
Holy shit... I mean... shit..
err... sorry, umm... Kami... sir...
The smurf yells at Artemis, ignoring the blubbering Haruka.
HARDCORE SMURF
Ay! Wat's it dat dat old green guy
sed, 'size mattas not'? I'm da dude
whose gonna save all yer
motherfuckin' asses!
Haruka looks at the Smurf a little incredulously now.
HARUKA
Can God say "motherfucking?"
The Smurf regards Haruka as if she was insane. He points to
himself and slaps his blue chest.
HARDCORE SMURF
I'm GOD, butchy, I can say whateva
da hell I want!
Artemis looks at the smurf suspiciously, tilting his head and
sniffing the air. Zoom in on the smirking smurf as we
CUT TO:
19 REAL WORLD - INT. CLOTHING STORE 19
We are inside a trendy teenybopper-oriented clothing store.
Yuuichiro is standing in front of a changing screen, sweating
profusely as some customers stand by, gawking. They gawk
because behind that changing screen is Miss Dream, who is
constantly giggling and cooing as she casually flings off the
remnants of Hotaru's outfit, sending them flying everywhere.
Yuuichiro nosebleeds as Hotaru's lacy grey brassiere flies
out from behind the screen and lands on his head. As he
scrambles to get it off of him, Dream BURSTS out of the
changing area, wearing hot pants and a very tight white t
shirt that has the words "TOO SEXAY FOR THIS SHIRT"
emblazoned on it in a 70's style font. Dream points to the
shirt and bounds in front of Yuuichiro.
MISS DREAM
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE, HUNKY LOVE?
Yuuichiro coughs, trying to be a gentleman, caught in the
horns of the dilemma created by attractive women who insist
on wearing tight clothing with writing on it-- it's meant to
be read, but in order to read one must stare-- and staring is
generally considered perverse, as the clothing is tight.
Doing his best not to stare, Yuuichiro weakly replies
YUUICHIRO
Uhh, isn't that a little small for
you?
Dream looks at him incredulously, shaking a little for
effect, an action which causes much of the blood to leave
Yuuichiro's brain.
MISS DREAM
WHAT DO YOU MEAN!? IT MAKES THEM
STICK OUT!
Dream motions to her bust with absolutely no shame, in an
aping of the famous Makoto "talent" scene from Sailor Moon R.
Yuuichiro knows that full well, as his nosebleed attests.
Very tentatively, he replies
YUUICHIRO
That's uhh... what I mean...
Dream stares at him, not understanding the source of his
complaint.
MISS DREAM
BUT YOU GUYS LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU?!
Yuuichiro stammers a bit as the other customers in the store
have all given up on pretending to be shopping and are now
all fixated on him, everyone hanging on his every word with
baited breath. Under his breath, in much the tome he would
reserve for reciting a Shinto prayer, Yuuichiro says to
himself
YUUICHIRO
(quietly)
Must... master... Zen control...
master... hormones... think of Rei
san... and the sacred flame... used
to light me on fire if she ever
finds out about this...
Irritated by his lack of reply, Miss Dream GRABS Yuuichiro by
the ear and DRAGS him out of the store, yelling
MISS DREAM
WELL I THINK I LOOK HOT, SO SCREW
YOU! AND DON'T TAKE THAT IN THE
GOOD WAY! LET'S GO!
It's all Yuuichiro can do to muster up his reply as he gets
yanked out of the store helplessly.
YUUICHIRO
R... right...
CUT TO:
20 BLACK SCREEN 20
We stay on black as we hear screams. Half the screams are the
enraged, yet somehow enthusiastic screams of a woman, and the
other half are the tortured screams of a man. We can't see
them, but their voices are familiar enough.
KING ENDYMION'S VOICE
ARRGH! ARRRRRRGH! UH! UH! ARRGH!
NEO QUEEN SERENITY
TAKE THIS, ENDYMION! RAHH!!
SFX: Whip crack
KING ENDYMION
AHHRRGH! OW! YES, HIT ME HARDER, MY
QUEEN! SPANK ME! OH! OH!
We come off the black screen with a
CUT TO:
21 INT. CRYSTAL PALACE BDSM BASEMENT 21
The camera focuses on MEIOH SETSUNA, who is standing in a
corner of the dank, somewhat grimy imperial love-nest, doing
her best not to look at the two cavorting figures to her left
(which are mercifully kept blurred due to the miracle of lens
focus) She has a golden halo over her head just as the others
do.
Setsuna's eyes are open, but she's keeping her gaze far away
from the leather-clad royals who are "punishing themselves in
the name of the moon". Her hands are over her ears, trying to
blot out the sounds of their perverse passion. The reactions
on her face, which change with each whip crack and guttural
utterance from the lovers, betrays the fact that her attempts
at not paying attention have dismally failed.
SETSUNA
(to herself)
Their moaning, groaning, twisting,
shifting, pounding... ecstasy...
it's my hell.
Setsuna's self-reflection is shattered as she hears a shriek
from the Queen, followed by a "thump" sound, and a gasp from
the surprised Endymion (off screen).
KING ENDYMION (O.S.)
Wha--?!
Setsuna ALMOST turns her head to see what's going on... but
then it all becomes horribly clear as she (and we) hear a
new, unmistakable voice join the fray.
CHIBIUSA (O.S.)
Ohshshshs ya bb, YA! mak mi FEAL
it!!1 Oh UR MAI MENN YAS! O YASSSS!
YAAAAAAASS!!!!
(For the benefit of those who don't know why Chibiusa talks
like she types, it's because, in her attempts to spend more
time with her man as opposed to taking Chibiusa to school
each day in the 30-31st century, Queen Serenity decided to
"home school" her, the lessons of which seemed to consist of
having her daughter hear all these things all day.)
Setsuna hears Chibiusa's screams of ecstasy and, forgetting
herself for an instant, turns her head to the side
(fortunately for the audience, the camera will stay out of
focus)
SETSUNA
Sm... Small lady?!
Setsuna IMMEDIATELY jerks her head back as she sees something
no one should ever, ever have to see. Chibiusa, for her part,
gets louder and more obnoxious, and so does Endymion.
CHIBIUSA (O.S.)
YaS! U luv ur cow garl, dnt U!!!!1
KING ENDYMION (O.S.)
Oh, baby... my sugar... baaayby...
CHIBIUSA (O.S.)
hshshshshsh o sit dis iz mai
hevan!111
Setsuna can't take it anymore, the veins popping from her
forehead. Screwing her eyes tightly shut, she spins and yells
as loudly as she can
SETSUNA
SMALL LADY! WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?!
The sounds mercifully stop, and we can see the short, blurry
form of Chibiusa hop down from the stone shelf upon which she
and Endymion were... engaged, her small figure slipping on
some blurry clothes before it walks closer to Setsuna, coming
into focus. She too sports a halo. Irritated, Chibiusa looks
up at Setsuna (who TOWERS over her heightwise) and snaps
CHIBIUSA
Wat! I wuz a good gurl, i gat mai
rewrd in da aftarlif!!1
Setsuna's blood is boiling as she yells back
SETSUNA
*THAT* IS YOUR HEAVENLY REWARD?!
Chibiusa snickers, correctly suspecting what this is all
about, hitting the nail on the head as she retorts
CHIBIUSA
O, lik u didnt went 2 jamp hiz
bons!11
Setsuna stutters, confronted with the cold hard truth.
Subconsciously, anyway. Her official reaction is much more
measured.
SETSUNA
My love for the king is more
refined and elegant than that!
Chibiusa doesn't care, however, pondering a more
"substantial" mystery that got her attention. She paces a
bit, muttering
CHIBIUSA
Its wurd tho, hiz lattle alaphant
was biggar den i remembared...
Setsuna hears her and facefaults.
SETSUNA
What? You mean the royal rod isn't
nine inc--
Chibiusa looks up at "Puu" and almost breaks out laughing.
CHIBIUSA
Hall new!
Chibiusa holds up her thumb and forefinger, which are spaced
out about four inches apart. Setsuna is totally, completely,
and utterly shocked and dismayed-- firstly because her
illusions about the King have been shattered, and secondly
because Chibiusa possesses knowledge she doesn't. Throwing
decorum to the wind, Setsuna yells
SETSUNA
SMALL LADY! HOW DO YOU KNOW THE
KING'S MEASUREMENTS?!
Chibiusa snickers, calculating her next words for maximum
impact.
CHIBIUSA
i kno *evryting* abut mai popa i
laved in da sem hos with ham
shshshshssh... igat 2 si ham
shoewr...
Setsuna goes pale as she weakly tries to imagine what
Chibiusa has described, leaning against a mildew-covered wall
for support.
SETSUNA
You got... to see him.. shower....
Chibiusa observes "Puu's" discomfort with amusement for a
moment, her eyes going wide as she sees something she never
thought she would ever see.
CHIBIUSA
O SIT ur noz is bleading!111
Setsuna reflexively wipes her nose, more concerned about a
new mystery. She looks black at the blurred figure of
Endymion for a moment, letting her eyes wander and linger a
bit longer than good taste or decency would permit as she
asks herself
SETSUNA
Wait... but why would it appear...
so large... if it isn't...
Chibiusa GAWKS at Setsuna, who keeps on musing, oblivious to
the look of shock / respect in the young girl's perverse
eyes.
SETSUNA
It was just as large as I imagined
it would be...
Chibiusa facefaults.
CHIBIUSA
Ch: sit puu, u imagined it DAT
bag?!
Setsuna ignores Chibiusa, her mind racing.
SETSUNA
Imagined... but Small Lady said...
so does this mean--
Setsuna's thoughts are interrupted by an EXPLOSION in the far
end of the dungeon. As before, a small blue figure steps out
of the rubble, laughing mockingly.
HARDCORE SMURF
Hah! so now we knows just how
"much" Pluto tinks of da king, hah!
HAHAHAHAHA
Setsuna is snapped back to the present, the important
conclusion she was about to reach totally lost due to the
interruption. Chibiusa is flat out gawking at the little
creature.
CHIBIUSA
Sit! A Smarf! Itz almot as small as
popa's d--
Haruka mercifully cuts off Chibiusa, stepping out of the dust
cloud caused by the explosion, pointing like a kid in a candy
store at the surroundings.
HARUKA
Damn, Sets, what the fuck kind of
hell is this?
Minako, for her part, has one hand over her mouth in shock as
she points to two figures cavorting in the blurry background.
She eventually manages to muster up enough presence of mind
to lower her hand and yell
MINAKO
Oh my GOD! What are they doing?!
Setsuna automatically looks down to the ground at the spot
where Chibiusa was, and finds it empty. Veins throbbing in
her forehead, she yells
SETSUNA
Small Lady! Get off your father!
Off screen, the noises Chibiusa are making get louder and
more obnoxious
CHIBIUSA (O.S.)
O hshshsh o hshshshshs hshshshshs O
O OH!!!
Minako, who is numbly staring at the scene, has to shake her
head to tear herself away, yelling
MINAKO
Chibiusa-chan! She said "get off
him," not "get off on him!!"
Xadium, for his part, just stands with his back to the whole
sordid scene, trying to ignore it altogether. Michiru, one
the other hand, seems strangely at ease, considering her
refined, aloof demeanor. She giggles elegantly.
MICHIRU
So whose personal hell was this?
Setsuna sighs, too drained from what she's seen to bother
denying it.
SETSUNA
Mine, apparently, but... it's Small
Lady's heaven, as you can see.
XADIUM
I am trying not to, thank you.
Minako chuckles at her husband's discomfort, although she too
is somewhat traumatized at the moment, especially since
Chibiusa and Endymion are STILL going at it in the blurred
background. As the noises get louder and more urgent,
everyone avoids the gaze of everyone else, shuffling their
feet, inspecting the walls, yawning, doing whatever they can
to not acknowledge what's going on not ten feet away from
them. Eventually, someone snaps.
HARDCORE SMURF
Will yous two SHUT UP!
Whipping out his .45, the Smurf cocks the hammer and FIRES,
blowing Mamoru's brain out even as the noises reach their
peak. Seeing this, Setsuna gasps in shock. The others are
stunned.
MINAKO
What the--!
Chibiusa screams, first in delight, then in terror as she
sees what has happened.
CHIBIUSA (O.S.)
OH FACK! U KALLED HAM! WILE I'M
STALL...
Haruka, who is too stunned to think, just gives voice to the
first thing that crosses her mind.
HARUKA
Yeah, you're doing it with a dead
guy.
CHIBIUSA (O.S.)
FAAAAAAAAAAK MI!!!
Chibiusa faints and falls to the ground with a resounding
thump. Michiru can't help herself as she says
MICHIRU
Yes, the corpse certainly did. I
guess that Kevin Smith film Haruka
made me endure was correct.
Haruka looks at Michiru slackjawed, as do the others. The
smurf is the only exception, as he is hopping mad. Literally.
He hops as he yells
HARDCORE SMURF
I said quiet! Yous better learn not
ta ignore me!
Minako turns to the smurf, shocked and betrayed. The hurt in
her voice is clear as she asks
MINAKO
What kind of Smurf God kills
people?!
ARTEMIS
And with a handgun?! Couldn't you
just smite them, or something?
The smurf shrugs, licking the blood spatter off of himself.
HARDCORE SMURF
Hay! It's a smite an' wesson ,45!
Get it? ah ha ha ha! An' besides,
dat punk wasn't real, just a
figment o' Pluto's an Spore's sick
imaginations! Hah!
Haruka decides to echo Minako's question as she asks
HARUKA
Hey, I got a vital question-- what
does God need with a starship!?
Michiru smacks Haruka upside the head.
MICHIRU
What does that have to do with
anything, Haruka?!
Haruka rubs the back of her head as she sheepishly replies
HARUKA
Nothing, I just always wanted to
say that, but the occasion never
presented itself.
Michiru regards Haruka dimly.
MICHIRU
It still hasn't.
Artemis, for his part, sniffs the air again, and suddenly
adopts a knowing air, padding towards the Smurf, calling out
to Minako
ARTEMIS
He's not a god, Mina. Isn't that
right, Blue-boy?
Artemis puts his right paw on the Smurf's shoulder in an
almost fraternal gesture. Haruka and Minako can't believe how
familiar he's being to it. The Smurf irately shoves the paw
off, spinning to face the cat.
HARDCORE SMURF
You're wrong, Ratman! I am a god! A
vengeful god of great anger an'
righteous fury! Hardcore!
Artemis laughs. If there was any doubt in his mind about what
he had suspected, it was now totally gone.
ARTEMIS
No you're not, you're Jedite.
Everyone facefaults except for the Smurf and Artemis. Haruka
points to the Smurf with a shaky arm.
HARUKA
J-JEDITE?!
The Smurf growls, his face twisted into an evil mask of rage
that is a perfect (if blue) simulacrum of Jedite's usual
expression. With Jedite's voice, it yells
JEDITE SMURF
Shut up! Shut up! Blasted lunar
cat!
Minako bursts out in knee-slapping laughter. Jedite-smurf
glares at her, his annoyance growing with each passing
second.
JEDITE SMURF
What are you laughing at, ditz no
Senshi?
Xadium steps in front of his wife, irate.
XADIUM
Don't call her a ditz!
Artemis, however, just slaps Jedite-smurf on the back,
laughing.
ARTEMIS
She's laughing at you, Smurfy
Jedite!
Haruka gets over her shock and picks up Jedite-smurf in her
hand, looking him over closely.
HARUKA
OK, this is funny as hell. We get
fragged, we get sent to our
personal heavens or hells. You get
fragged and Karma turns you into a
SMURF! HAHAHAHAHAH!
Jedite-smurf scowls and BITES Haruka's thumb, causing her to
DASH him to the ground, where he lands with an expert martial
arts roll. Shaking his fist, he snaps
JEDITE SMURF
You idiot, I didn't get fragged!
Haruka leans back on one of the dungeon walls, crossing her
arms in front of her casually.
HARUKA
So how'd you check out?
Jedite-smurf points to the area above his head, his patience
at zero.
JEDITE SMURF
MORON! DO YOU SEE A HALO OVER MY
HEAD?
Haruka and the others blink, and with shock, realize for the
first time that Jedite-smurf doesn't have one over his head--
and what that implies.
HARUKA
Shit... no.
MINAKO
You're alive?!
Jedite-smurf rolls his eyes as he listens to the others state
the obvious. Smirking a bit, secure in the knowledge that he
has their full, undivided attention, he continues.
JEDITE SMURF
Yes. Now listen up, all of you,
because I'm only goning to say this
once and then I am gone.
Typically, Haruka chooses to interrupt, squatting down in
front of Jedite-smurf.
HARUKA
Whoa, where are you going, punkass?
Jedite-smurf scowls.
JEDITE SMURF
I'm not going stick my neck out for
you fools!
Minako walks over to Jedite-smurf and squats down as well,
regarding him curiously.
MINAKO
What do you mean "stick it out",
we're already dead?
Xadium, who has been pondering things in the background,
coughs.
XADIUM
Mina, I'm not so sure we--
Before he can finish the sentence, Jedite-smurf yells out
JEDITE SMURF
QUIET, TIME LORD!!
The violence of Jedite-smurf's vocal outburst takes everyone
by surprise, and they back away from him a bit.
XADIUM
Eh?
Jedite-smurf shakes his head and stretches out his arms in a
"wait, wait" gesture, doing his best to rein in his temper
and do what he has to calmly.
JEDITE SMURF
I know you all suspect something,
but if you figure it out
unprepared, you'll ruin everything.
Everyone listens to Jedite-smurf raptly, eager to hear his
next words. Haruka, of course, is the only one who dares to
bring to light the unspoken question that has, to this point,
gone unasked. Bluntly, as is her way, she asks
HARUKA
So Jed, why do you look like a
Smurf?
Everyone else sweatdrops. Jedite-smurf crosses his arms and
answers, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world,
JEDITE SMURF
Because, idiot, then Miss Dream
won't recognize me.
GFX: A bubble with question marks appears over Minako's head
for a few seconds. It pops as she leans in even closer,
looking Jedite-smurf in the eye.
MINAKO
Will that work??
Jedite-smurf sighs.
JEDITE SMURF
Have you ever had odd thoughts
during the day? Like you're
studying, and you just think about
food for no reason?
Xadium chuckles and smiles.
XADIUM
I'd say that happens to Minako
constantly.
Minako wrinkles her nose and looks back over at her husband.
MINAKO
Hmph.
Jedite-smurf exhales a bit, clearly irritated at having to
even bother with explanations at this stage. All he wants to
do is take care of business and leave.
JEDITE SMURF
Well, to Dreamy, all I'll be in
this form is an odd thought about a
Smurf.
Haruka hears this and blinks, the pieces starting to click
together in her mind at last.
HARUKA
Waiwaiwait... You're still in her
head?
Setsuna nods, the thought Jedite-smurf had interrupted
earlier now beginning to bloom.
SETSUNA
I think we all are.
Xadium also nods sagely, his interrupted thoughts coming back
into focus.
XADIUM
Indeed...
Michiru, who hadn't really given the matter much thought,
points to her halo in confusion, even as the others start to
experience the dawn of a new revelation.
MICHIRU
But we're dead...
Jedite inhales deeply, knowing that he has to choose his next
words carefully. He had not wanted to go down this particular
road just yet.
JEDITE SMURF
You're dead, yes. This is because
you all thought yourselves to
death. Chibi there accepted being
strangled, Kaioh thought herself
drowned, etc. etc.
Chibiusa groans, getting up slowly. Xadium steps aside to let
her pass, and resumes the derailed train of thought he had
been following earlier.
XADIUM
And... if our minds aren't in our
bodies as Dream pulled them out...
This is news to Michiru, who is in something of a shock.
Jedite-smurf watches the Time Lord closely, ready to step in,
as he knows he will have to.
MICHIRU
Not in our bodies?
Xadium snaps at her a little, irritated more by the fact that
someone is interrupting his thought-flow again as opposed to
what that interruption was.
XADIUM
Do try to keep up... if we aren't
in our bodies, then our bodies
don't "know" we died, so they yet
live...
Setsuna picks up the trail from there.
SETSUNA
And we are are still in Miss
Nightmare's head...
Jedite-smurf nods.
JEDITE SMURF
Yes, Pluto. Haven't you noticed
everything seems to respond to your
thoughts? I mean the virtual King
there certainly did-- that is,
before I blew his brains out, heh.
Setsuna blushes and turns red as the others look at her in
shock. Chibiusa, for her part, seems to have gotten over her
previous trauma, adding in her two cents' worth.
CHIBIUSA
O sit yea... he raspndead 2 min
parfektli.. hshshshshshs
Jedite-smurf sighs, looking up at the Spore.
JEDITE SMURF
I so wish I could wish the spore
into a pile of boiling meat.
Haruka chuckles at the idea, then asks the obvious question.
HARUKA
Why can't you?
Jedite-smurf frowns.
JEDITE SMURF
Because she believes she's the
spore more than I believe she
isn't. Damn, you, Self-will!
All of a sudden, Minako starts waving her hand frantically,
as if in a classroom. The others (but not Jedite-smurf) look
at her askance. She starts hopping up and down a little,
finally calling out for attention.
MINAKO
Smurf-sensei! Here! Here!
Jedite-smurf turns to regard her dimly.
JEDITE SMURF
This isn't a classroom, Aino! What
do you want?!
Minako grins at having been "picked" and puts a finger to her
cheek thoughtfully as she asks
MINAKO
Ano... if we're still in her head,
why doesn't she notice us?
Jedite-smurf sighs at having to answer yet another question.
JEDITE SMURF
Aino, do you know every single
thought in your head at every
single second?
The others ponder this concept.
ARTEMIS
Hmm.... that's a good point.
XADIUM
No one does. We just focus on
whatever we're doing at the moment.
JEDITE SMURF
Exactly. We're in her subconscious
mind. Thoughts in the back of her
head. She's not thinking about us,
so we can operate freely. *That's*
why I didn't want you people
running around wreaking havoc and
getting her attention.
Chibiusa squats down in front of Jedite-smurf, getting WAY
closer to him than he would like, especially given their
current relative heights.
CHIBIUSA
Bat y dasent si c sensz uz?
Jedite-smurf shakes his head.
JEDITE SMURF
Because, you diseased turnip, this
realm is as much her mind as it is
ours. You think you're dead, and so
does *she*. She's not even looking.
Minako clarifies the concept, adopting a sage pose as she
does so.
MINAKO
So what you're saying is she
ignores what she doesn't think
about because she isn't considering
it since we consider ourselves dead
and thus are not worth considering?
EVERYONE but her sweatdrops.
HARUKA
My eyes crossed just LISTENING to
that, Neko.
Minako looks at the others expectantly, waiting for some kind
of recognition of her genius. There are a few seconds of
stony silence.
JEDITE SMURF
Let's just tell her "yes" and move
on.
Xadium hugs Mina around the waist and pulls her to his side.
XADIUM
Yes, my love.
Minako hops up and down with joy, celebrating.
MINAKO
Wai! Wai! I got one right!
Jedite-smurf facepalms.
JEDITE SMURF
IT ISN'T A COMPETITION!
Michiru is completely fascinated with this notion of being
still in Miss Dream's mind.
MICHIRU
So what's she thinking about right
now, if not us?
Jedite yawns, becoming tired of all this talk, but decides to
indulge Michiru's curiosity.
JEDITE SMURF
Just concentrate, and you'll see.
That's the thing. Our minds are
still connected to hers at some
level.
Minako is struck by the profundity of that statement.
Eagerly, she asks
MINAKO
So in other words "The swinger
swings both ways"!?
Artemis groans and corrects her malaprop.
ARTEMIS
"The door"...
Concentrating, everyone gets a quick glimpse of what Dream is
doing, which we see as we
CUT TO:
22 CLOSE UP SHOT OF HOTARU'S FOOT GETTING A PEDICURE 22
We see Hotaru's toenails getting bathed, buffed and polished.
CUT TO:
23 INT. CRYSTAL PALACE BDSM BASEMENT 23
Haruka and the others are totally slackjawed at the sight of
their worst enemy getting her nails done.
HARUKA
She's getting a fucking PEDICURE?!
Michiru shakes her head incredulously.
MICHIRU
I can see her list of things to do
now, "1 - Crush Senshi, 2- Get
PEDICURE".
MINAKO
Unbelievable...
CHIBIUSA
wal i guez si fagured har jobe wuz
dan... bat da udar sanshi arent
hear...
Shaking her head to rid herself of the image, Setsuna squats
down to face Jedite-smurf.
SETSUNA
Jedite... how do you know so much
about all this?
Jedite-smurf chuckles to himself and puffs himself up,
sticking out his chest proudly before he speaks.
JEDITE SMURF
Simple, Pluto. We Dark Generals are
masters of Psychology. How else do
you think we're able to brainwash
people to do our bidding?
Haruka makes as if to say something rude, but instead goes
for the old standby and says something mildly useless,
instead.
HARUKA
So you came to help us... I can't
fucking believe it.
The others-- even Minako and Artemis-- look upon Jedite-smurf
with an admixture of respect and gratitude-- looks which make
him uncomfortable and angry. Jedite-smurf snaps at Haruka.
JEDITE SMURF
I didn't come to help you, you
moron. You people idiotically
bumbled into this situation
following your typically
blockheaded magical girl bullshit
"love and luck" tactical methods,
and got "killed". If Dreamy here
(stomps on the ground)
wasn't too busy making herself look
"sexy" before going off to kill the
other Sailor Senshi, she would have
cut your bodies down and you really
WOULD be finished forever.
The others look at each other, some in dawning realization,
and some with an expression of confirmed certainty that the
game they had all considered to be finished just a short
while ago was, in fact, going to head into overtime. Haruka,
ever willing to push Jedite, pokes the Dark General's smurf
form in the pudgy little nose, asking
HARUKA
So why *are* you here, then,
Shittenou Smurf?
Jedite-smurf locks gazes with Haruka, and, completely
sincerely (or so it seems, no one can tell either way) he
replies
JEDITE SMURF
For the money you owe me, Ten'ou.
Everyone facefaults, Haruka most of all, her jaw hitting the
floor.
HARUKA
The money...?
Haruka is trying to remember what money this might be, her
subconscious putting up helpful mental blocks to prevent such
an occurrence. Jedite-smurf nods.
JEDITE SMURF
That's right. You owe me twenty
dollars from a bet you made last
year at the Tenka'ichi Budokai. I
want my money. You said you would
pay me and didn't. You also didn't
pay me for those Vote for Jedite
bumperstickers I made a few weeks
back, too I LOST THE ELECTION
BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU BLASTED MORON!
Haruka panics a bit, realizing, despite herself, that Jedite
is right about her financial obligations, and so decides to
take the only course of action open to her-- she decides to
shift the focus off herself. Pointing at Jedite-smurf, she
goes into "Haruka L. Jackson" mode-- which is pretty much her
default mode of operation anyway.
HARUKA
Mother fucker. You came *all* this
way, got in 'Taru's fucking brain,
even turned into a god damn SMURF--
just to get *me* so I could give
you some fucking *money*?!
Jedite-smurf shrugs and nods, non-chalantly, the verbal
tirade bouncing off of him easily.
JEDITE SMURF
Yup.
Haruka just keeps going on the offensive.
HARUKA
Why not dream up some yourself,
dumbass? Make a million bucks.
(concentrates) Look, here's a
briefcase.
Jedite-smurf SPITS on the briefcase. The others do their best
to avoid laughing, although it's clear from their fidgeting
they are only a short way from breaking. Jedite's next line
makes it even harder for them to maintain self-control.
JEDITE SMURF
Because it's not real, you moron.
Oh, I'm just going to go down to
the Kiwk-E-Mart and say "here you
go Apu, have some of my DREAM
dollars in exchange for a Super
Slurpie!"
Michiru finally cracks a little,, giggling as she says
MICHIRU
I guess Jedite has some good in him
after all.
Minako votes her confidence in the assessment by flashing her
trademark "V" sign. Haruka presses home the point by
laughingly asking
HARUKA
Yeah, since when do you fucking pay
for anything, Mr. Evil?!
Jedite-smurf fumes, REALLY getting tired of the goodwill and
happy vibes the others are sending him. This kind of thing he
DOESN'T need. Explosively, he snaps
JEDITE SMURF
Just shut up! I'm serious! I came
here for the money and that's it! I
don't go good deeds!
Haruka decides to push him some more by poking holes into his
alibi.
HARUKA
So why not pick my pockets then,
dumbass?
All eyes turn to Jedite, as everyone is clearly enjoying this
verbal game of table tennis. Smoothly, without pause, Jedite
returns the serve.
JEDITE SMURF
Your pants are an incredibly foul
place even Shittenou won't go.
A smooth delivery, which Haruka stumbles forward to
intercept.
HARUKA
HAH! The Dark General who lived in
a cave for years upon years is
AFRAID of my pockets!
At this, Jedite-smurf turns away. It's clear he's had enough
and is now prepared to just walk away and let the others rot
in Miss Dream's subconscious. Sensing this, Michiru rams her
elbow into Haruka's side to stop her from chuckling, and
says, in a voice of purely insincere flattery
MICHIRU
We're grateful to you, Jedite.
Jedite-smurf stops. Love-Love gratitude may make him sick,
but words of praise designed to stoke his ego were never
unwelcome. He turns to the group, smirking.
JEDITE SMURF
You all owe me your lives, REMEMBER
THAT.
Dimly, dully, clearly the LAST person in the room to piece
together the tidbits of the theory Jedite, Xadium and Setsuna
have been independently developing, Haruka scoffs at Jedite
smurf, flicking her fingers against her halo, which vibrates
and lets off a buzzing sound akin to that of a crystal glass
being tapped.
SFX: "ting" sound with some extended decay.
HARUKA
Uhh, we're still dead...
Jedite-smurf sighs.
JEDITE SMURF
I can't believe you, Ten'ou. You
were the first one to figure this
out, and now you don't get it? In
here, death is PURELY a state of
mind. Just get OVER it.
Sensing that the others are about to attempt doing just that--
which is the one thing he had NOT wanted yet (for reasons he
will reveal in a moment), Jedite-smurf quickly begins to
speak faster, to keep them from focusing on reviving
themselves just yet.
JEDITE SMURF
BUT when you do, people, imagine
yourselves still here, in this--
(struggles to find the
right word)
BDSM dungeon hell of Pluto's...
otherwise you'll end up in Dream's
conscious mind again, square in the
center of her attention, where we
don't need to be just yet.
As it turns out, Jedite has little to fear, as the others are
easily distracted-- for example, Minako, who seizes upon
Jedite's description of the room the group is in, walking
over to Setsuna and looking up at her in something akin to
shock. Gesturing to the room around her, Minako says quietly
MINAKO
Setsuna-san... I never knew you had
this in you...
In exasperated embarrassment, Setsuna slaps her forehead and
frustratedly exclaims
SETSUNA
It's not what you think!
Minako, genuinely pondering this, and not meaning to joke,
continues to look at Setsuna, muttering to herself
MINAKO
(sotto)
But she's so reserved... so
polite...
Minako then turns away from the perfectly scandalized
Setsuna, and looks at her husband quizzically. After a few
beats, Xadium notices her constant, questioning gaze and
tilts his head curiously in a "what, dear?" Sort of gesture.
For her part, Minako's hand flies back to cover her mouth,
and she points at him before breathlessly exclaiming
MINAKO
Oh my god!
Xadium finally gives voice to his unspoken question.
XADIUM
What?
Minako looks to Setsuna and then back to Xadium, both two
people she considers to be polite, dignified and reserved,
and asks, innocently,
MINAKO
If she's like that, it makes me
wonder what's in your mind...
Xadium does his best to not facefault, and then decides to
take advantage of the situation.
Showing rare initiative, he steps forward, gently GRABS the
stunned Minako, sweeps her into his arms and gives her a
deep, PASSIONATE kiss, leaving her breathless when he lets
go.
Haruka does the appropriate thing in this situation, yelling
HARUKA
WHOOOOOOOO!
Minako gasps for breath, blushing and breathing deeply.
MINAKO
Wow!
Xadium blushes too, explaining, somewhat sheepishly, keenly
aware of all the eyes on him in the room.
XADIUM
After that time at the lava pit, I
was afraid I'd never get to do that
again...
As the others give their best "Aww, isn't that sweet?" looks,
Jedite-smurf coughs to break the love-love mood, saying
sternly
JEDITE SMURF
If you children are finished
playing doctors and nurses, it's
time to will yourselves alive. BUT
MAKE SURE TO FOCUS ON STAYING HERE.
The soundtrack should play some good quasi-martial music,
like the "getting out the guns" soundtrack on the Rundown
OST. The camera PANS across everyone as they close their eyes
and concentrate, willing themselves back to life in the
dream, the camera pulling back to a wide shot and the music
reaching a satisfying crescendo as their halos fade and
vanish in a burst of CGI sparkles.
Full of energy and drive, the reborn senshi (and friends')
eyes are full of drive and determination, their expressions
showing that they're *more* than ready for round two.
(This moment has to be extremely carefully done, as it should
be an emotional payoff of sorts for the audience, who got
beat to a pulp emotionally in the series finale and have been
waiting fully half the movie for this happy event.)
Jedite-smurf nods to himself, pleased that his role is almost
done. He lets the others bask in the glow of their revival
for about one second before he again breaks the mood (but
this time for good cause. Clapping his hands loudly to get
their attention, he clears his throat and begins
JEDITE SMURF
People, we have to get moving.
There's one place left to go before
I make my exit.
(to himself, mostly)
I have slimes to gun down in my
private dream. Hehehe... pathetic
slimes. They die so easily.
Haruka looks at Jedite-smurf curiously.
HARUKA
So you're not gonna fight with us?
Jedite-smurf's expression is one of pure incredulity as he
replies.
JEDITE SMURF
Ten'ou, I did my good deed for THE
MILLENNIUM.
Jedite pauses to think for a moment, and realizes something.
JEDITE SMURF
J: Oh wait, no I didn't.
Spinning around, Jedite's right hand grows to FIVE FEET in
size, and he BITCHSLAPS Haruka with a THUNDEROUS clap,
sending her FLYING through one of the dungeon walls. The
others are shocked by this, and Michiru winces at the sight.
Haruka, for her part, is just fairly annoyed as she clambers
out of the hole, dusting herself off and coughing, feeling
her face.
HARUKA
OW, Motherfucker! What was that
for?!
JEDITE SMURF
FUCKING LEARN.
No one has any idea what Jedite means by that, and he feels
no need to explain.
JEDITE SMURF
We have to get moving.
MINAKO
Where to??
JEDITE SMURF
To see the last member of your
team, obviously.
At those words, everyone starts to mumble and look at each
other curiously. As far as they know, everyone is present and
accounted for.
MICHIRU
Last...
HARUKA
...Member?
Jedite realizes the source of the confusion, but as is his
style, he decides to twist the knife a bit, for his own
perverse amusement.
JEDITE SMURF
You senshi are a callous bunch,
aren't you?
Pulling out his shiny Bazooka, Jedite-smurf takes aim at the
fair wall of the dungeon as the others scatter. He
deliberately levels the laser sight at the naked headless
corpse of virtual Endymion, FIRING.
The corpse, and the wall behind it, EXPLODE. Chunks of
bloodied gib bounce off the camera, streaking the lens with
blood. We switch to a different camera as the dust settles,
revealing a black void, beyond which a pearly white door (the
kind you'd find in any house) stands, seemingly hovering in
infinity. The others regard it curiously as Jedite-smurf
continues to relish their confusion.
JEDITE SMURF
You'd callously leave one of your
own behind to die. I'm actually
almost impressed by that.
Chibiusa finally gives Jedite what he wants, and asks the
obvious question.
CHIBIUSA
ho iz ti? Weer al hear...
With a little laugh, Jedite-smurf points to the door.
JEDITE SMURF
Open it and see.
Everyone regards the door with trepidation, but Michiru
finally takes the lead and walks over to it, twisting the
knob and pulling it open cautiously. The door creaks, and
bright light SPILLS from the inside, momentarily blinding
everyone, whose eyes were adjusted to the lower light levels
of the BDSM dungeon and black void. The blinding light
subsides as we
CUT TO:
24 INT - CLEAN ROOM 24
Inside, we see a light-green colored-room, with white quare
ceramic tiling on the floor, and clean counters, harshly lit
by bright fluorescent lights. Everything about it is sterile
and clinical. It could be your dentist's office, minus the
torture implements and product placements. In the center of
the room, in a somewhat gothic styled throne, is the upright,
sleeping form of TOMOE HOTARU. Behind her, with his arms
wrapped around her shoulders protectively, is the sleeping--
and sane-complexioned-- form of PROFESSOR TOMOE. Tomoe has a
halo over his head, while Hotaru does not.
The others step in, everyone save Jedite-smurf gasping as
they realize what they've forgotten. (Actually they had not
forgotten, but assumed, incorrectly, that Hotaru and Miss
Dream were so fused together that there was no difference
between the two of them, so in a sense, they had written
Hotaru off) Chibiusa runs up to her best friend.
CHIBIUSA
Ho sit, horatru-chun!!11
Xadium marvels at the room, walking all around it.
XADIUM
This is a part of Hotaru's mind
that is totally pure and
uncorrupted...
Setsuna looks at the peaceful, sleeping face of Professor
Tomoe, a tear coming to her eye.
SETSUNA
Tomoe-hakase's sacrifice wasn't in
vain... he *did* protect Hotaru as
he said he would.
MICHIRU
While his madness went to Miss
Dream, the core of him that was a
kind father was able to slip in and
protect Hotaru's personality...
Jedite steps into shot, no longer a smurf, but back to his
usual self.
JEDITE
And so now, here you all are-- all
over again.
The next sequence should be silent (save for SFX) and
surreal.
Quick shot of Haruka's eyes narrowing.
SFX: Bang
Quick shot of the space above Hotaru's head where there is no
Halo.
SFX: Bang
Quick shot of Haruka nodding to Michiru
SFX: Bang
Bank shot of dual Uranus / Neptune Henshin
SFX: Bang
Quick shot of Uranus and Neptune hovering over Hotaru, ready
to unleash their attacks.
SFX: Bang
Minako shoves Xadium from in front of her
SFX: Bang
Bank shot of Venus henshin
SFX: Bang
Sound returns, as the camera focuses on Uranus and Neptune,
who are clearly getting ready to blast Hotaru into oblivion,
when Jedite unexpectedly enters the shot and PUNCHES Uranus
hard in the gut, sending her flying across the room and
sprawling over a counter.
JEDITE
NO, IDIOT! WHAT DID I SAY?!
The tension defuses somewhat as everyone gets interested in
the fight. Uranus wipes some blood off the corner of her
mouth and glares at Jedite.
SAILOR URANUS
Dammit! What, fucker!
JEDITE
I SAID TO FUCKING LEARN!
SAILOR URANUS
LEARN WHAT?!
Jedite has had it with the dense Uranus.
JEDITE
BY METALLIA, YOU MORON! YOU *JUST*
GOT KILLED *JUST NOW* AND YOU STILL
DON'T GET IT! YOU'RE STILL TRYING
TO KILL TOMOE! IT'S LIKE TRYING TO
GET A WINO OFF STERNO!
Uranus blinks and looks at Jedite in confusion.
HARUKA
Whaaaaaat?
Jedite has had enough. He hauls his hand back and BITCHSLAPS
Uranus.
JEDITE
(bitchslap)
When
(bitchslap)
will
(bitchslap)
you
(bitchslap)
and
(bitchslap)
Kaioh
(bitchslap)
learn
that working
(bitchslap)
on your own
(bitchslap)
doing things
(bitchslap)
like killing your friends
(bitchslap)
is a BACKWARDS ASS IDEA?!
Sailor Neptune hangs back, confused as what to do, as this is
the way that Haruka and Jedite usually interact. Uranus, for
her part, is still pleading ignorance.
SAILOR URANUS
Dammit, bastard, why are you
bitching?! YOU kill your friends!
Jedite sighs, and Neptune decides to drop her transformation.
JEDITE
That's because
(bitchslap)
I'm an evil bastard
(bitchslap)
you moron!
Michiru points to Hotaru coldly, not joking at all as she
says
MICHIRU
Then *you* kill her.
Jedite and the others just LOOK at her.
JEDITE
ARRGH! WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO EDUCATE
YOU TWO?!
Minako decides to defuse the tension by joking
MINAKO
If they're like Setsuna-san, whips
and chains and leather, I guess...
Setsuna can't take it anymore, wincing and screaming
SETSUNA
YOU PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!
Jedite shakes his head in disbelief.
JEDITE
Look. Do you know WHY the other
senshi were able to run me over
with a plane back in the day?
SAILOR URANUS
Because you were a weakass punk?
Jedite responds as can be expected, putting Uranus through
another wall with a slam to the head.
JEDITE
No, because they got their shit
together and put aside their damn
differences and worked as a TEAM!
SO QUIT ACTING LIKE A SCHMOE,
FIGURE OUT THAT YOUR RIDICULOUS
BACKSTABBING TACTICS DON'T WORK,
JOIN THE TEAM AND GET ON THE STICK
LIKE A QUALIFIED PRO!
Uranus smirks, managing to come back with her idea of a cool
witticism.
SAILOR URANUS
I only get on the stick when
Michi's involved.
Jedite is livid. The sleeping Hotaru twitches a little.
JEDITE
YOU DAMN WELL KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
TEN'OU!
CUT TO:
25 REAL WORLD - EXT. STREET 25
On the street, Miss Dream is dragging Yuuichiro through the
midday Tokyo crowd, suddenly stopping in front of a XXX adult
shoppe for some reason that she can't quite understand.
Yuuichiro, for his part, is so worn out from the crazy
adventures of the day so far that he doesn't even notice
where he is for a moment.
YUUICHIRO
I'm still dizzy from all the fumes
in that manicurist's place. Hey..
Why are we stopping here...
Yuuichiro's heart leaps into his throat as he realizes where
he is. Miss Dream, on the other hand, is ecstatic.
MISS DREAM
YUI-KUN, LET'S GO IN HERE!
YUUICHIRO
What?! Do you know what that is?!
MISS DREAM
I THINK SO! AND IT MAKES ME HOT!
Yuuichiro can't believe what he's hearing. He takes one look
at the store and goes weak at the knees.
YUUICHIRO
I'm training to be a priest! I
can't go in there!
Dream won't take "no" for an answer and yanks him into the
store.
MISS DREAM
YES YOU CAN! LET'S GO NOW! NOW,
NOW, NOW!
CUT TO:
26 DREAMSCAPE - INT. CLEAN ROOM 26
Sailor Uranus and Jedite are still continuing their argument,
which is the culmination of one of the major sticking points
in Sub. Senshi continuity.
SAILOR URANUS
Frankly, I have no faith in these
guys. Sorry, but you guys are too
soft-hearted.
Artemis shakes his head and bristles.
ARTEMIS
Well, thanks, Haruka! I'd rather be
accused of that than being a hot
tempered backstabber who cuts down
their friends for nothing!
Minako steps between her two friends.
MINAKO
Moh... both of you, please stop...
Chibiusa whips out a switchblade and swipes it around,
growling.
CHIBIUSA
FACK U UR ANUS! I'm nit sift! I'm
az herd az elioz in a stabul fil of
marez! I'l stak you fackers wit dis
pag stacker!
Jedite has had it and changes his costume in a blast of black
CGI. He now looks like an athletic coach.
COACH JEDITE
I can't believe that I, A DARK
GENERAL, am going to have to become
a blasted TEAM COACH!
Minako sagely points a finger up in the air as she replies
MINAKO
You know what they say, "Only Nixon
could blow up China."
Coach Jedite sighs.
COACH JEDITE
Yes, Aino. That's *exactly* what
they said.
Whipping out a whistle, Coach Jedite blows a sharp trill.
COACH JEDITE
Now listen, you defective do
gooders, I'm SICK AND TIRED of
seeing you step all over each
other! You're like the keystone
cops!
Minako instantly takes offense, prideful as she is about her
skill as a leader on the battlefield.
MINAKO
It's because Haruka-san, Michiru
san and Setsuna-san always insist
on doing things their own way!
Uranus shrugs.
SAILOR URANUS
Well to be fair, Sets likes to
swing both ways...
Setsuna just stands there, impassively. Michiru walks over to
Minako and pats Minako on the head condescendingly.
MICHIRU
Face it, dear. We do things our own
way because we're simply older,
wiser and more mature.
SAILOR URANUS
(belches)
Damn straight.
Minako irately bats Michiru's hand off her head and wheels to
face her, snapping
MINAKO
Name me one time working on your
own EVER got things solved?!
Uranus rises to the challenge, exclaiming
SAILOR URANUS
We would have beat the SHIT out of
Galaxia you know! It's her fault
she wasn't what we expected!
Coach Jedite blows his whistle again, livid.
COACH JEDITE
ENOUGH! THIS ARGUMENT IS OLDER THAN
THE TIME HAG OVER HERE!
Setsuna closes her eyes, veins throbbing in her forehead. She
straight PUNCHES Coach Jedite into a wall.
I'm JUST AS OLD AS YOU!
Coach Jedite gets back up.
COACH JEDITE
I'm ten years younger, woman! NOW!
Ten'ou, Kaioh, Pluto, GET OVER
YOURSELVES and PLAY LIKE A TEAM!
Suddenly, Uranus' expression changes abruptly, as she is
struck by a sudden inspiration. She drops her transformation,
and says the words no one ever thought they would hear her
utter.
HARUKA
You know what, Jed's right!
Everyone else sweatdrops, especially Michiru.
MICHIRU
HE is!?
Pluto is dead silent. Chibiusa stares at her wide-eyed.
CHIBIUSA
Ho sit, harackra's gona B a teem
playa?!
MINAKO
(anime announcer voice)
Masaka... a change of heart from
Haruka-san?!
Haruka nods excitedly.
HARUKA
Yeah, I've been thinking about
it...
Soundtrack begins to play upbeat, somewhat martial music. The
camera pans over everyone as Haruka delivers the next line.
HARUKA
...and over the years, we've all
gotten closer, like a family.
Michi, Me, 'Taru, Sets, the Prof,
even Jed, Neko, X and the cat. We
could make a decent team.
Minako sniffles a little, speaking softly as Haruka puts her
hand on her shoulder paternally.
MINAKO
Haruka-san...
Artemis has little stars in his eyes as he looks up at
Haruka, getting excited, thinking that perhaps, for the first
time, his words have sunk into Haruka's thick, super-dense
skull.
ARTEMIS
Yes! You understand! Together we
can do anything! Teamwork is the
key!
HARUKA
Right! And since we're going to be
a team, it's obvious who should be
leader!
Michiru steps forward and bows elegantly.
MICHIRU
Why thank you, Haruka.
Haruka looks at her dimly.
HARUKA
What.
Michiru snaps her fingers and is surrounded by a spotlight
that highlghts her and casts the others into darkness.
Dramatically, she takes a microphone and makes her campaign
speech.
MICHIRU
Naturally, only one with my grace,
sophistication and elegance could
be qualified to be leader.
Haruka unceremoniously pushes Michiru out of the light and
takes the spinning microphone she left behind in hand.
HARUKA
Hah, I'm the one with the mad
skills and speed, I should be Boss!
Coach Jedite shoulder-tackles Haruka out of the spotlight.
COACH JEDITE
*I'm* the tactical genius, unlike
you, hothead.
Setsuna switches off the spotlight and quietly asks
SETSUNA
Isn't Hotaru-chan the leader?
The sleeping Hotaru seems to smile a little.
HARUKA
She's asleep right now, and
c'mon... how many of us actually
want Miss Prude being our leader?
Everyone is silent. Xadium starts to raise his hand
tentatively, but Minako pulls it down and shakes her head in
a "no" movement. Hotaru seems to twitch slightly.
Minako runs over and turns on the spotlight again, waving.
MINAKO
I'm the leader of the Sailor Team!
I have the experience! Vote for
Aino Minako-sama! Yay!
XADIUM
(enthusiastically)
She has my vote!
HARUKA
Yeah, and we won't talk about how
she got it.
Xadium turns a red.
HARUKA
Besides, this isn't the Sailor
Team!
CHIBIUSA
Den wat da fick iz it?
Haruka ponders for a second.
HARUKA
We're all senshi-- as in
warriors... but not all of us are
*Sailor* Senshi... Jedite's a
Shitennou, for example...
COACH JEDITE
What's your point, Ten'ou.
HARUKA
Oh, I dunno... we need a better
name as a unit.
Everyone facefaults.
COACH JEDITE
You know, things are quiet for the
moment, but we don't exactly have
time to be standing around
quibbling about names.
Haruka is totally taken with her idea, not worrying about
anything else.
HARUKA
Dammit, names are important! You
can stick them on T-shirts and
shit.
Jedite facepalms. Xadium stands in a corner, a black cloud of
dark ki swirling around him, as he quietly mutters
XADIUM
Yes, Haruka. Shirts people will be
too CHEAP TO BUY even after you put
your heart and soul into designing
them!
Minako walks over to her husband and whispers
MINAKO
No one cares, X-chan.
Haruka continues to pace, pondering the new name for this new
group of senshi.
HARUKA
We are the senshi... of...
MICHIRU
Yes, Haruka?
HARUKA
The senshi of Tokyo... no... of
Azabu Juuban...
MINAKO
I come from Shiba-Koen.
HARUKA
Dammit... the Senshi of Earth, no
then we sound like that dork Tuxedo
Mask...
MINAKO
Or all those scary fan senshi...
CHIBIUSA
Weare da sensi who liv in da
sabarbs... urben gurdinas?
The music swells to a dramatic climax with the end of this
next line.
HARUKA
Hah the Urban Guardians of the
Suburbs... no... that's it...
Suburban... we're the Senshi of the
Suburbs-- the Suburban Senshi!
YEAH!
No one is impressed by this at all. Coach Jedite nods in a
token gesture.
COACH JEDITE
It'll do. Can we get on with this
please?
Haruka pumps her fist, now moving on to the second, more
critical part of her agenda.
HARUKA
The Suburban Senshi will be
triumphant with ME as leader!
Artemis pads over to Jedite, something on his mind. Haruka
continues her campaigning off to the side, no one caring.
ARTEMIS
Jedite, a while ago you said you
were going to teach Haruka a lesson
and then leave... how exactly were
you going to do that? Could we just
escape right now?
HARUKA
Umm, hello? Vote for me as leader?
JEDITE
I'm not really here, cat. I'm
telepathically projecting myself
from a wonderful dream I'm having
where I'm killing slimes with BFG
9000s and leveling up. Soon I will
level to level 99 and be able to
crush peasants.
HARUKA
Me, leader? Hello?
ARTEMIS
So you're hopping dreams?
HARUKA
Haruka for leader of the Suburban
Senshi? Yes?
JEDITE
My dream is on "pause".
ARTEMIS
Heh.
Minako walks over to Xadium, who is staying out of the
conversation, as he doesn't consider himself part of the
group, really. She puts her hand on his shoulder.
MINAKO
X-chan, you can help too.
HARUKA
SO you agree I should be leader,
yes?
Xadium looks at Minako sadly, all too aware of his
deficiencies.
XADIUM
Mina, I'm not much of a fighter. Or
one for violence. I'm not like the
rest of you, with strength, or
magical attacks.
HARUKA
Haruka for leader, going once...
Minako has had it with the defeatist attitude of her husband.
Haunted by memories of his fall at the hands of Miss Dream,
she knows she has to at least toughen him up a little--
because there might not be a third chance. She takes him by
the shoulders and shakes him a little.
MINAKO
Moh! X-chan, I can't look out for
you every second! You're always too
gentle and reserved! That's why
Miss Nightmare killed you so
easily! You need to be more
aggressive!
Xadium shakes his head. Coach Jedite shrugs.
JEDITE
Bah who cares, he's alive again. If
he dies here, he can just respawn.
CHIBIUSA
Hah hi onlee respwanz wit
mikanko... ror
Xadium turns red, and Minako coughs. Everyone else chuckles.
MINAKO
X-chan, I don't want this kind of
thing to happen again...
HARUKA
Going twice, me for leader...
Xadium looks at Minako softly, not knowing if he can do what
she wants.
XADIUM
Minako... I'm not a fighter like
all of you. I'm a scientist, who
stumbles into things and sometimes
gets involved...
HARUKA
No opposition! Good! A leader is
me!
Haruka pumps her fist and does a "YEAH!" Gesture, as Minako
works up her courage to do something that she knows will hurt
her more than it hurts Xadium. Hauling her hand back, she
SLAPS him hard on the side of the face.
MINAKO
SNAP OUT OF IT! Face it! You
married into a family that plays
rough! Put your geek brain to work
and toughen up!
Coach Jedite, caught up in the mood, takes the opportunity to
bitchslap Haruka.
COACH JEDITE
And YOU! PLAY NICE WITH THE OTHERS!
Jedite drops the disguise as Haruka rubs the side of her
face, having lost count of how many times she's been slapped
today. Annoyed, she snaps
HARUKA
Dammit Jed, You don't!
JEDITE
I DON'T HAVE TO YOU MORON, I'M
EVIL!
Xadium looks at his wife, still sadly. He knows why she him,
and what she's trying to do, but he's still not sure he can
accede to her demand. For her part, Minako resists the urge
to run her hands over his bruise face and soothe the bruise,
instead balling up her fists and exclaiming
MINAKO
I've seen you play Doom 3! I know
you have it in you!!
Xadium's features harden a little, and Jedite smirks. This is
his territory, now.
JEDITE
That's it, Time Lord... let your
ANGER be your guide... release your
HAAATE... feel the POWER!
ARTEMIS
Doesn't anger lead to hate and hate
to the Dark side?
JEDITE
Knowing him it'll just be the "Dork
side", heh!
Xadium's eyes narrow, his decision made at last.
The soundtrack plays a cool techno soundtrack, and we go to
SLOW MOTION as Xadium swishes his black velvet Edwardian
trenchcoat around him, John-Woo style as he spins to face
Hotaru's sleeping form. Everyone looks on, impressed.
The Techno stops, and we return to normal motion as we push
in on Xadium's face as he speaks.
XADIUM
Well, if I were to apply my
considerable scientific knowledge
to the situation, I would say that
it is highly dangerous for us to
attempt awakening Hotaru in this
state, as it is more than likely
that there is some latent
subconscious or superconscious
connection to Miss Dream which
might perhaps be triggered
inadvertently, revealing the truth
of our continued existence to her,
which would have unfortunate side
effects. Yes, I do believe that
would be the case, indeed.
PULL BACK to reveal that everyone has gotten bored and walked
off. They are either in the corner talking amongst
themselves, playing "rock, paper, scissors" or idly examining
the surroundings. For her part, Chibiusa is poking Hotaru.
Annoyed, Xadium confronts her.
XADIUM
Chibiusa, didn't you hear what I
just said?
CHIBIUSA
Ur broring.
XADIUM
Why do I even try?
Michiru nods to Xadium.
MICHIRU
I often ask myself the same
question, Xadium.
XADIUM
Oh, Chibiusa, do stop poking her!
Hotaru suddenly starts to stir a little. Her eyes do not
open, but her mouth moves.
HOTARU
Mm... what....
Chibiusa pulls her hand away in shock, and the others look at
Hotaru in horror, in fear that they might be discovered.
JEDITE
Damn! Let's get out of here!
Hotaru starts to mutter.
HOTARU
Wait... why am I buying lingerie?
Everyone facefaults as Hotaru passes out.
MINAKO
What did she say?!
HARUKA
Uhhh...
JEDITE
That was close.
Jedite smacks Chibiusa on the head.
JEDITE
Keep your hands off, Spore.
Chibiusa foams at the mouth and gives Jedite the finger.
CHIBIUSA
Fak u geydit, dnt tal mi wat 2
dew!11
Haruka takes advantage of Jedite's distraction with the spore
to take action of her own, tapping him on the shoulder.
HARUKA
Oh, Jed?
JEDITE
What?
HARUKA
THIS IS FOR MOTHERFUCKING SHOOTING
ME IN THE FUCKING HEAD!
Haruka lightly taps Jedite on the cheek. At first he looks at
her in surprise, but then it turns into a haughty sneer.
Everyone else wants to know what the heck that sissy slap
was.
JEDITE
That was weak. HAH! At least
*punch*, woman!
Haruka looks at her hand askance.
HARUKA
Dammit! I tried to make my hand
super big and bitchslap you like
you did to me, but it didn't work!
JEDITE
Because you're a weak-willed idiot!
Jedite SLUGS Haruka, sending her crashing into a counter.
Xadium, however, begins to wonder, casting his mind back to
something he had tangentially noticed earlier.
XADIUM
I don't know if that's it...
Jedite, did you consciously drop
your Smurf transformation when you
walked in this room?
JEDITE
No.
Xadium presses a finger to his forehead as he begins to
ponder.
XADIUM
Odd... I think this bears
investigation...
Haruka stands up straight and shoves Xadium aside.
HARUKA
We don't have time for
"investigation". Check it! We got
the shit kicked out of us, and it's
about time we kicked back! As
leader I say we make this Miss
Dream sorry she ever fucked with
the SUBURBAN SENSHI!
And the crowd goes mild.
MICHIRU
You really like that name, don't
you, Haruka?
HARUKA
Of course I do, I made it up!
Artemis pads over to Hotaru and looks up at her, also
thinking.
ARTEMIS
You know guys, if you think about
it, Dream's pretty weak.
Everyone looks at Artemis incredulously. Minako steps over to
him and says what everyone was thinking, but reluctant to
say.
MINAKO
Artemis, she killed us all.
Artemis shakes his head.
ARTEMIS
No, we got ourselves killed.
Xadium steps forward.
XADIUM
I hate to be contrarian, but she
did chop me up.
ARTEMIS
Well you walked into it.
JEDITE
Like a frog in a blender!
Jedite bursts out in unrestrained dark laughter. Xadium turns
to look at him and dryly asks
XADIUM
Don't you have somewhere to go.
Jedite smirks.
JEDITE
I like where I am just fine.
Artemis ignores the bickering, his tail swishing back and
forth as he thinks, walks and talks.
ARTEMIS
The point is, she used the ones we
loved against us, made us sacrifice
ourselves. But beyond that, her
attacks weren't all that
impressive...
Chibiusa feels her neck unconsciously.
CHIBIUSA
hay si snaped mai nack lik a twag!
JEDITE
And no one's complaining, runt.
Chibiusa spinkicks rather gracefully (considering her build)
and plants her left foot between Jedite's legs like a well
placed touchdown smack between the goalposts. Jedite
crumples, clutching his nether regions.
CHIBIUSA
bich!
JEDITE
ARRGH! THAT'S IT! FROM NOW ON, I'M
WEARING A SPIKED ADAMANTIUM CUP!
Jedite twitches on the ground, comically convulsing in a
quasi-fetal position as the conversation continues.
MINAKO
Well I was immune to her for a
while...
SETSUNA
And I was able to magnify my power
as well..
Haruka leans back, laughs and points at Setsuna.
HARUKA
Heh yeah. I wonder if your severed
head is still bobbing around out
there.
Setsuna fumes, her body trembling. Eventually, unable to
contain herself, she splurts
SETSUNA
You know THIS is why I don't hang
around you people more often! Every
time I show up all you do is make
fun of me behind my back!
Haruka goes over to her and puts a consoling hand on her
shoulder.
HARUKA
Aww, no we don't Sets.
Setsuna sniffles a little.
SETSUNA
You--you don't?
Haruka smiles softly.
HARUKA
Nah. We do it to your face, like
all good friends should.
And for probably the 15th time this adventure, Haruka gets
smacked across the face with great fury and righteous anger.
JEDITE
The point is, if you people get it
through your heads that nothing
here is real, she can't do anything
to you.
HARUKA
Oh yeah, hella big words from the
man crumpled in the corner of the
floor like a Dark pretzel.
JEDITE
I just wasn't ready, you fool!
MINAKO
Jedite, we can's all become Zen
masters... I nearly lost my mind
doing that!!
JEDITE
A miniscule sacrifice, to be sure.
Minako says nothing, but calmly turns to her left, walks over
to the prone Jedite, and begins kicking him hard in the side
repeatedly. The sound of this, along with her grunts of anger
and his yelps of pain, continues through the following
dialogue.
XADIUM
The solution, I think, is simple...
Haruka raises her hand, taking a moment to swallow some
popcorn. In the background we can see most of the others
clustered around the prone Jedite, watching with amusement as
Minako continues to kick him.
HARUKA
Is it Lobotomies for all, Doc? Cuz
I can tell you, I don't mind
ripping the shit out of Jed or
Chibi's brain-- walnut sized though
it might be.
Chibiusa replies amusingly calmly, her back turned to Haruka
as she continues to watch the beatdown.
CHIBIUSA
O I'm gona beet u up latar bich.
Jedite, amazingly, is not done yet, wincing as he is from the
shit-kicking he is receiving and still in pain from the
earlier low blow.
JEDITE
Does the spore
(grunt)
even have
(yow!)
a brain?
Chibiusa flies off the handle and descends upon Jedite,
beginning to strangulate him. Xadium, for his part, continues
talking as if all were normal-- which, let's face it-- it
pretty much is for this dysfunctional family.
XADIUM
Jedite is a dark general. He's
quite skilled at brainwashing. All
he has to do it brainwash us into
believing that nothing here is
real.
I mean, we know it isn't, but we
don't "know" it in a Socratic
sense.
Minako, her face a mask of determination as she concentrates
on landing well-placed kicks, pretends like she's following
on, offering her own refinement of her husband's last
sentence.
MINAKO
Or in a Biblical sense.
As usual, most everyone sweatdrops. Michiru giggles
elegantly. Xadium just coughs a little at the salacious slip
of the mind and continues.
XADIUM
Ahem. At any rate... if we can get
Jedite to--
Jedite, who is still being kicked, and now being choked, is
now in no mood to be a helpful team player. Coughing up ichor
as he speaks, he raises up a hand (which Haruka sets upon and
breaks as soon as he does that), saying
JEDITE
Sorry, you LOSERS, but I've done my
good deed.
Haruka bitchslaps him, sending a tooth flying.
HARUKA
Are you going to cut out and run,
you bastard! You can't! You're one
of the Suburban Senshi now!
Jedite, wracked with pain, ponders this for a moment.
JEDITE
You have a point.
HARUKA
Damn straight!
JEDITE
But so do I, Ten'ou.
Haruka leans in to regard Jedite closely.
HARUKA
What is it?
Jedite grins a gap toothed, bloody (ichory, but you get the
point) grin, and uses his one free hand to give Haruka the
finger. Haruka growls like an angry Inu-Yasha and kicks
Jedite in the wedding tackle once more for good luck. Xadium
watches dimly as Chibiusa continues to throttle him, Minako
continues to kick him, and Haruka has begun spitting on him
in the right eye.
XADIUM
You all do know we need his help,
yes?
JEDITE
FORGET IT! You fools learn to work
together or die! Not that I care
all that much, but after two
years, all this bitching and self
doubt you people have is annoying.
Either you die, in which case the
house is mine, or you finally get
your shit together, in which case I
don't have to hear stale cliched
arguments from the dawn of fucking
time!
With an effort, Jedite manages to teleport out in a haze of
cool, expensive CGI, leaving Chibiusa to drop onto the
ground. Before Minako can react to the disappearance, her
last kick SLAMS into the spore, sending her crashing into the
wall, and Haruka's spittle slams Chibiusa in the face. With
frustration, Haruka slams her fist on one of the counters.
HARUKA
DAMMIT!
MICHIRU
(dryly)
Well that went well.
Xadium sighs, and pulls out a shiny, ornately engraved,
golden pocketwatch from a pocket in his silk waistcoat.
XADIUM
Well, I'm certainly no Jedite, but
I *can* perform hypnosis on all of
you. I don't guarantee it will be
as effective, and furthermore, it
is possible that not everyone can
be hypnotized.
Haruka thumps her chest in a manly fashion.
HARUKA
Damn straight, Doc. I'm a rock--
Haruka takes one look at the just-dangling watch on a chain
and lapses into a drooling zombie-like state.
MICHIRU
(slyly)
She gets like that when I ask her
to "unzip me", too.
The others politely ignore the innuendo.
Xadium stands before the others, dangling the pocketwatch. In
a calm, steady voice, he begins
XADIUM
All right, now listen very
carefully...
CUT TO:
27 REAL WORLD - CU ON YUUICHIRO'S FACE 27
Yuuichiro has a strange, distressed look on his face. His
voice is low and nervous.
YUUICHIRO
Yu... Uhh, it's bad enough you made
me buy you that... stuff...
PULL BACK A bit to show the interior of CROWN FRUIT PARLOUR
II behind him. This is an ice cream shoppe next to the Crown
Arcade and Motoki's Tavern (the original Crown Fruit
Parlour). It's done up in 50's style decor. Motoki's sister
Unazuki runs it.
We can see that there are a bunch of guys (some with their
displeased-looking girlfriends tugging at them) behind
Yuuichiro, staring glassy-eyed at whoever Yuuichiro is
talking to, who, as you can probably guess, is Miss Dream.
Exasperated, Yuuichiro continues
YUUICHIRO
But why are you wearing it in
PUBLIC?!
Switch to WIDE SHOT as we see that Yuuichiro is sitting on
one side of a booth, with Miss Dream sitting next to him, her
arms around his neck-- wearing sheer purple lingerie that
leaves little to the imagination. Dream squeals happily.
MISS DREAM
BECAUSE IT MAKES ME THE OBJECT OF
ATTENTION, MR. SEXY!
Shamelessly, she snuggles up to Yuuichiro and nuzzles him
like an affectionate cat as the other guys in the store
nosebleed and catcall. She plays her fingers across the folds
of Yuuichiro's robes.
MISS DREAM
YOU LIKE THIS!? GOOD! BUY ME ICE
CREAM! NOWWWWWWWW!!
CUT TO:
28 DREAMSCAPE - INT. CLEAN ROOM 28
We focus on Minako's nose and lips as she speaks in a calm
monotone.
MINAKO
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind
killer. Fear is the little-death
that brings total obliteration. I
will face my fear. I will permit it
to pass over me and through me. And
when it has gone past I will turn
the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will
be nothing. Only I will remain.
Nothing here can hurt me. I am in
control at all times."
Go to a wide shot as Xadium snaps his pocketwatch shut and
Minako comes out of her trance, going to stand by the others,
who have presumably gotten the same treatment. By the self
satisfied look on Xadium's face, we can tell that the
procedure seems to have gone well.
XADIUM
Right. That's all of you. Now you
should all be covered, assuming the
trance holds.
Xadium claps his hands together and rubs them vigorously,
proud and ready for action. Minako looks at him curiously.
MINAKO
Ano... what about you, X-chan??
Xadium pauses for a moment. She has a good point.
XADIUM
Well, I suppose someone will have
to put me under.
Minako obviously has gotten the answer she wants to hear,
SNATCHING the pocketwatch out of her husband's hand and
dangling it playfully in front of his face.
MINAKO
I'll do it!!
Xadium seems unconcerned, while the others look at each other
worriedly.
CUT TO:
29 REAL WORLD - INT. CROWN FRUIT PARLOUR II 29
Soundtrack: Wacky Musical Sting
Just a quick silent shot of Miss Dream pigging out on about
fifty Chocolate parfaits, with a ton of it spilling all over
her lingerie as she rapidly eats, much to Yuuichiro's shame
and the delight of just about every other male in the place.
CUT TO:
30 DREAMSCAPE - INT. CLEAN ROOM 30
In a parallel to Minako's shot, we start with a close up of
Xadium's nose and lips as he speaks in a calm monotone.
XADIUM
"... and Minako-sama is always
right. When this is all over I
shall buy her bubble bath and a new
silk Chinese dress. I will never
ask her to help with the chores,
and I will surrender the TARDIS
computer whenever she wants to play
video games. Also, if I should ever
dare to look at another woman, I
will turn into a chicken. And I
shall no longer fear things in
here. I will be more assertive and
outgoing and try to enjoy life
more, as is befitting the fortunate
and extremely lucky, not to mention
blessed, husband of the lovely and
talented V-chan."
As Minako snaps the pocketwatch shut, everyone else stands
transfixed, hypnotized-- not by her trance, but by the things
she's stuck in Xadium's mind. With a big smile, she cheerily
announces that she's
MINAKO
Done!
Haruka just looks at her dimly, even as Xadium blinks and
comes back to consciousness, seemingly refreshed and vibrant.
HARUKA
Damn, Neko. Damn.
XADIUM
Minako, my love, whatever you said
must have been exceptional!
The others-- sans Haruka and Minako-- chuckle quietly.
HARUKA
You have no idea, Doc.
XADIUM
Right, I think we're ready,
everyone.
HARUKA
Let's go! Suburban Senshi,
Hasshin!*
*(launch)
Now prepared for what lies ahead, the group steps out of the
"clean room" zone in Miss Dream's mind, and back into the
inky black void that is her dreamscape. Chibiusa tugs
Xadium's pant leg. He looks down, the relieved expression on
his face betraying his gratitude at the fact that she is not
in fact humping it.
CHIBIUSA
Dis waz a god idear, zedum!
XADIUM
Why, thank you, Chibiusa.
Michiru taps him on the shoulder.
MICHIRU
Xadium, a question--
Xadium turns to look at her. His eyes go wide.
XADIUM
Cluck?
The others turn to look at him. Michiru is befuddled.
MICHIRU
Pardon me?
XADIUM
Cluck cluck?!
Xadium tucks his hands under his armpits and starts to flap
his "wings" like a chicken, as he stutters around in a panic.
Then, thanks to the power of the Dreamscape, he starts to
shrink and change size, shape and colour, becoming one in
actual fact. albiet dressed in a tiny version of his formal
clothes.
HARUKA
What the fuck?!
CHIBIUSA
Hez a chacken!
Minako looks on this with great dismay, noting, as she looks
at the gold wedding band on its foot, that she is now married
to poultry.
MINAKO
W-why...
A loud slapping noise is heard as Artemis slaps his forehead
with his right front paw.
ARTEMIS
Mina! You told him to become a
chicken if he ever looked at
another woman! And he looked at
Michiru! As in "aimed his eyes in
her direction"!
Everyone does a full facefault as Chicken Xadium walks around
them, pecking at the "ground". Getting back up, Minako frets
MINAKO
Why does he take everything so
LITERALLY?!
Haruka is angry. But not at Minako.
HARUKA
Hey! He looked at me and didn't
change!
CHIBIUSA
mi too1!!
CHICKEN XADIUM
Cluck cluck cluck!
Minako wonders.
MINAKO
(to Haruka)
I guess he doesn't think of you as
a woman...
Haruka looks confused for a moment at that revelation.
HARUKA
I dunno whether to be pleased or
pissed...
SETSUNA
(dryly)
Look at it this way. At least you
know the tranvestitism works.
Haruka sweatdrops.
HARUKA
You know when you put it that way,
I suddenly feel really
uncomfortable about my wardrobe
choices.
Michiru pokes Haruka in the shoulder.
MICHIRU
*You* feel uncomfortable? I have to
look at it every day!
Haruka narrows her eyes, annoyed.
HARUKA
To be frank, Michi, I don't give a--
Michiru blushes and giggles.
MICHIRU
It's my turn to be "Frank", Haruka.
Everyone (even Chicken Xadium) stops and leans in to look at
her, as she giggles again and sweatdrops. Haruka sheepishly
chuckles. Chibiusa breaks the scene by shoving them away and
pounding her miniscule chest.
CHIBIUSA
Wat a buut mi!11 Hi loked at mi an
dadnt change!
CHICKEN XADIUM
(disgusted)
Cluuck!!
HARUKA
Chibi, you're just a lolicon freak.
CHIBIUSA
Harackra, ur a butch materfacker!
As Haruka and Chibi glare at each other, Chicken Xadium pecks
at the ground for food. Minako blushes and giggles.
MINAKO
Aww, he looks so cute and silly!
She scoops him up and huggles him close to her chest like a
plushie.
CHICKEN XADIUM
(well-pleased)
Clllluck... ^_^
Haruka looks at this incredulously.
HARUKA
Well if anything, he'll confuse the
FUCK out of the enemy...
Minako puts Chicken Xadium down next to Artemis and points
back to the entrance of the CLEAN ROOM.
MINAKO
Artemis, you and X-chan stay here
with Hotaru-chan and Tomoe-hakase.
As an afterthought, she leans down and wags her finger in
Artemis' face.
MINAKO
And don't eat him!
CHICKEN XADIUM
(fearfully)
CLUUCK!
Chicken Xadium LEAPS away fron Artemis in fear. Artemis just
sighs.
ARTEMIS
And *why* would I eat him?
MINAKO
I know what you do to birds,
Artemis.
Artemis looks cut to the quick.
ARTEMIS
Not to birds I know personally!
Seeing the look of terror in Chicken Xadium's face, Artemis
decides to have a little fun, unsheathing his unreasonably
long claws and beckoning to the CLEAN ROOM.
ARTEMIS
Get moving, Doc.
Xadium runs in, in mortal terror, clucking all the way.
ARTEMIS
Heh, I could get to like this.
Artemis follows, only to find that Chicken Xadium has
reverted to Human-- well, Gallifreyan, but you get the point--
form once inside.
XADIUM
(dangerously)
Cluuuuck...
Seeing the sick grin on the Time Lord's face, Artemis
sweatdrops, laughing weakly as the door to the CLEAN ROOM
swings shut, hiding them from view. Minako giggles.
HARUKA
Hey he changed back!
Well the looks, anyway.
MICHIRU
We'll de-hypnotize him later. Let's
go deal with Miss Dream.
HARUKA
Right!
Soundtrack: Dramatic, Martial, uplifting music plays.
The camera PANS over Haruka, Michiru, Chibiusa, Minako and
Setsuna, lingering slowly over their faces as we see the
determination and purpose in their faces.
These are the faces of a family that has been through the
fires of their own personal hell, been purged in the crucible
of their own private terrors and torments, and come out the
other side ready for anything. Ready for justice. Ready for
just, noble, sweet, sweet revenge. The Suburban Senshi are
ready for battle and reporting for duty for the first time.
Soundtrack: The music swells to a magnificent crescendo as
the camera WHIPS BACK and focuses on Haruka.
HARUKA
So... what's the plan?
Soundtrack: The music stops with a loud record scratch.
Everyone's face degenerates into a mask of shocked disbelief.
MICHIRU
...YOU TELL US, *LEADER*!
Haruka blithely waves at the others, ignoring their killer
expressions of almost pure rage.
HARUKA
Hey, now! Leaders don't make plans!
They have their minions make the
plans and then take all the credit
for them! Haven't you ever seen
Star Trek: The Next Generation?
SETSUNA
(incensed)
Minions?!
MINAKO
(dimly)
We're going to die again, aren't
we.
CUT TO:
31 REAL WORLD - INT. CROWN FRUIT PARLOUR II 31
Miss Dream is still pigging out on her ice cream and
chocolate parfaits, but she's a lot messier, and the amount
of empty ice cream bowls has grown into a small mountain on
the table.
MISS DREAM
OOH, THIS ICE CREAM IS SO TASTY!!
Some RANDOM BOYS from Ranma 1/2 (the ones who always
commentate on Ranma's activities at Furikan High) are
entranced with her, watching her eat.
RANDOM BOY #1
She's got the body of an angel, but
the manners of a goat...
Yuuichiro is totally lost.
YUUICHIRO
Hotaru-san, what's gotten into you?
Miss Dream points to her ice cream with her spoon, causing
some to fling out and smack Yuuichiro in the eye.
MISS DREAM
THIS ICE CREAM! I WANT MORE! DAMN,
REAL FOOD IS SO TASTY! I LOVE THE
REAL WORLD!
PUSH IN on her face as she yells.
First Frame her whole face.
MISS DREAM
GIMME MORE!!
Now just her chin, mouth, nose and eyes.
MISS DREAM
MORE!
Now just her chin, mouth and nose.
MISS DREAM
MORE!
Now just her mouth.
MISS DREAM
MORE!!
Back to wide shot.
RANDOM BOY #2
The "Real World"? Are we on MTV or
something?
CUT TO:
32 DREAMSCAPE - INT. BLACK VOID 32
Haruka stands before the others, addressing them like a
general to her troops.
HARUKA
All right, I tell you what we're
gonna do.
MICHIRU
(dryly)
This should be good.
HARUKA
This is just like the Matrix,
right? But with some Green Lantern
shit thrown in.
She nods as she walks, convinced she's making perfect sense.
MICHIRU
I have *no* idea what you're
talking about, Haruka.
Haruka looks at her like she's from another planet.
HARUKA
The Matrix? You know, the movie?
And Green Lantern, the super hero
who can make things with the power
of his mind?
MICHIRU
I never saw or read those things.
The video place and comic store
that I frequent never has those in
stock.
HARUKA
They don't have the Matrix, one of
the most popular fucking movies of
all time.
MICHIRU
No. They don't have much of
anything else, either. I really
don't know how they stay in
business, considering that they
never seem to have in what other
people are watching and telling me
to experience. Ever.
Haruka just opens and closes her mouth silently before moving
on.
HARUKA
Anyway, we know this is Miss
Dream's dream, but we're dreaming
too, so why not go all out the way
Sets started to do...
CHIBIUSA
U meen grow reel big den gat
decrapitated at da last zsexonsd??
Not for the first time today, Setsuna feels the urge to kill.
Haruka shakes her head.
HARUKA
Check it!
Concentrating, Haruka suddenly appears in Neo's getup from
The Matrix Reloaded. A small sting from the Matrix Score
plays (the trademark pitch-bend noise).
MINAKO
Cool!!
As Minako gawks, Michiru facepalms.
MICHIRU
Good grief.
Chibiusa balls up her fists and concentrates, turning into
Catwoman (the Halle Berry movie version)
MICHIRU
What are you, some kind of
dominatrix?
Setsuna sees a chance for some payback, and takes it.
SETSUNA
(sweetly)
Michiru, how does someone as
closeted as you know about such
things?
CHIBIUSA
(to Michiru)
I'm kitwomym frum dat movie,
bichaz!!1 Haley Barey!11
MICHIRU
(to Setsuna)
WHO WAS THE ONE WHOSE HEAVEN WAS A
BDSM DUNGEON?!
SETSUNA
First of all, that was my *hell*,
and second of all, that was Queen
Serenity's dungeon!
Minako is too taken up by the cool idea of changing into a
fictional character to get caught up in the scandalous
argument. Enthusiastically, she gets between them and echoes
Luna's famous line to Tsukino Usagi:
MINAKO
Michiru-san, Setsuna-san, henshin
yo!
CUT TO:
33 EXT. EVA NIGHTMARE BATTLEFIELD (NIGHT) 33
Soundtrack: The theme "Battle without Honour or Humanity"
from the Kill Bill OST #1 plays
The camera does multiple slow motion takes from different
angles as Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, Minako and Chibiusa
stride back onto the wide sands by the blood-red lake,
Setsuna's giant bloated white head still bobbing in it,
looking up at the moon.
In addition to the cool looking Haruka Neo, and Catwoman
Chibiusa, we have Minako as the "bride" from Kill Bill
(wearing the Bruce Lee style yellow jumpsuit and brandishing
a Hittori Hanzo katana), Setsuna as Xena, Warrior Princess
(with Chakram in hand) and Michiru as a badass looking,
Prison Jumpsuit Martha Stewart. They are HARD and in CHARGE.
We go to normal motion as Haruka wastes no time deflating the
cool mood, as she spies Michiru and laughs.
NEO HARUKA
Whoa. Martha Stewart. What are you
gonna go, decorate her to death?
Michiru scowls.
MICHIRU STEWART
It was your idiot idea to cosplay.
Haruka smirks.
NEO HARUKA
DUDE. It's *not* cosplay.
Haruka bends down, pounding her right fist into the ground,
which ripples with a water-distortion effect, springing back
up, propelling her into the air like a rocket.
Soundtrack: Neo's flying theme from the Matrix Reloaded OST
BRIDE MINAKO
Wow!! The Superman thing!!
Chibiusa's eyes go wide, and she takes off in the air after
Haruka.
CATWOMAN CHIBIUSA
Hay! i ken fli too!!11
Chibiusa does several loop-de-loops.
BRIDE MINAKO
Chibiusa-chan! Don't you know that
Catwoman can't fly?!
Chibiusa looks at Minako with shock from high above.
CATWOMAN CHIBIUSA
Fack!!
Chibiusa drops like a stone, EXPLODING the ground when she
lands. Haruka looks down at this, still flying, and shakes
her head.
NEO HARUKA
You know, Neko, you didn't *have*
to educate her about gravity!
Haruka yells in pain as she hits her head on something, HARD.
MICHIRU STEWART
What is it, Haruka?
NEO HARUKA
(painfully)
Neo.
MICHIRU STEWART
(dimly)
...Neo.
In the air, Haruka taps her hand on what looks to be a curved
ceiling painted with a midnight blue sky and speckled with
white stars.
NEO HARUKA
This starlit sky's fucking hard!
It's like a ceiling!
PULL BACK to show the others looking up at Haruka, who is the
merest speck in the sky. If not for her words and experience,
one would never believe that she was not simply hovering in
midair, far under the stars.
XENA SETSUNA
I suppose Miss Dream never bothered
to imagine anything beyond the
convenient representation of a sky.
Minako gasps in awe a little, them turns to Setsuna
curiously, brandishing a slip of notebook paper.
BRIDE MINAKO
Speaking of which, where is she??
My Hanzo sword wants revenge!! I
need to complete my Death Wish 5!!
Haruka takes up the role customarily reserved for Artemis,
Hotaru and Xadium, and corrects her.
NEO HARUKA
"Death List"
Michiru walks over to Minako and taps her on the shoulder.
MICHIRU STEWART
Who's on your list?
Michiru shows it to her.
QUICK SHOT of the list, which is handwritten and reads as
follows:
1. Miss Dream
2. Miss Dream
3. Miss Dream
4. Miss Dream
5. Miss Dream
Return to the previous shot. Michiru sweatdrops.
MICHIRU STEWART
You want to kill her five times?
Minako nods energetically.
BRIDE MINAKO
Yup! Three times for me, once for X
chan and once for Artemis!!
As she says this, Haruka ZOOMS down to ground level, whipping
up the white sands as she flies around everyone in a rapid
circle, asking
NEO HARUKA
Where the hell is Dreamy, anyway?
Didn't Jed say she's notice us
running around and come fight?
The others ponder this, trying to figure out what it means.
Chibiusa decides to take the initiative and scales one of the
black cliffs (the one Dream was standing on in the season
finale). She pulls out some pink spray paint.
PULL BACK to show that the spore has spraypainted "Mizz Dreem
iz mai faking bich-meet" in obnoxiously large letters on the
side of the cliff.
QUICK CUT to the Real World, at the fruit parlour, where a
bloated and full Miss Dream twiches a little even as she
fawns on Yuuichiro.
CUT BACK to the dreamscape, where Minako has unsheathed her
Hanzo sword, it making the subtle "shing" noise it does in
the Kill Bill movies. She points it to the yellowish moon, in
a direct homage to the scene in Kill Bill where the Bride
calls out O-Ren Ishii. Adamant, she yells
BRIDE MINAKO
MISS DREAM! YOU AND I HAVE
UNFINISHED BUSINESS!
Minako's words echo throughout the surreal landscape, scaring
a flock of bats, which burst into flight, screeching and
twittering into the night, but other than that, nothing
happens.
Haruka zooms around in the air for a bit, as if looking for
something, and then lands on the ground in front of some
bushes, which she starts to walk behind.
XENA SETSUNA
She's not paying attention to us...
BRIDE MINAKO
Moh! What do we have to DO to get
her attention!?
SFX: A tinkling, streaming sound.
Everyone's head turns at the sound. We hear Haruka's sigh of
relief off screen.
NEO HARUKA (O.S.)
Ahh... Ohh yeah... that feels MUCH
BETTER.
Quick wide shot of the others sweatdropping before we
CUT TO:
34 REAL WORLD - INT. CROWN FRUIT PARLOUR II 34
As the random Ranma boys jealously watch Miss Dream snuggling
next to Yuuichiro, they gasp, seeing her seemingly lean over,
her head dropping onto his lap. (In truth, she has just
passed out.)
Blood EXPLODES from Yuuichiro's nose, and he closes his eyes
with a stupid grin on his face (he has also passed out, but
from the boys' position, it looks like something ELSE
entirely is going on.)
RANDOM BOY #1
Oh my god, what's she *doing* to
him!?
RANDOM BOY #2
The lucky stiff!
Quick reaction shot of Unazuki, who has dropped her serving
tray, mouth agape as she sees what "Hotaru-san" is supposedly
doing with Yuuichiro.
CUT TO:
35 EXT. DREAMSCAPE - EVA BATTLEGROUND 35
In what is probably also a commentary on the last scene, but
primarily directed at the back of Haruka's head, which can be
seen poking up from behind the bushes as the tinkling
continues, slows to a trickle, then stops. Michiru snaps
MICHIRU STEWART
Haruka! That was so crude!
NEO HARUKA (O.S.)
Hey, I didn't have a chance to go
this morning! When you gotta, ya
gotta!
SFX: Zipper zipping up.
Haruka steps out from behind the bush. Minako is regarding
her with awe.
BRIDE MINAKO
You can do that... standing up?!
NEO HARUKA
I can do lots of things. Heh.
Haruka winks at Minako.
BRIDE MINAKO
(awestruck)
Wow...
There is little time to ponder this disturbing revelation,
however, as a violent earthquake shakes the area. The screen
should shake to reflect this.
XENA SETSUNA
Hmm... I think we got her
attention...
NEO HARUKA
*We*?! WE?! It was I, your fearless
LEADER, who did it!
BRIDE MINAKO, XENA SETSUNA AND MICHIRU
STEWART
(weakly)
Yay.
Suddenly, a portion of the white sands in front of the senshi
rises up, shifting form and color to form a sixty foot tall
version of Miss Dream, who is still wearing her sheer
lingerie (which now reveals nothing, since it's so covered
with spilt chocolate ice cream that it might as well be a
brown leotard. The others don't even realize it's lingerie.)
MISS DREAM
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING
ALIVE?!
Annoyed as hell that her date was interrupted, and only
marginally moreso that the senshi she thought were vanquished
still lived, Dream PULLS some boulders out of the black cliff
and HURLS it at them.
Haruka looks up at the boulders and holds out her hand, palm
out.
NEO HARUKA
(Neo)
No.
The boulders STOP in midair, and fall to the ground with
tremendous CRASHes, spewing white sands up everywhere in
geyser of displaced earth. As the dust settles, Dream
screeches
MISS DREAM
I'VE DONE THAT ONE ALREADY! DON'T
COPYCAT! OUCHIES!
Dream looks down to see Chibiusa scaling her leg, using her
sharp claw-tipped gloves to dig into her thigh. Dream plucks
her off her leg like one might pick up an insect.
MISS DREAM
OH LOOK! I'VE GOT YOUR LITTLE
FRIEND! YOU FUCKERS BETTER GIVE UP
RIGHT NOW, BEFORE I SNAP HER LITTLE
PUDGY NECK AGAIN! LETS GO! CHOP
CHOP!
NEO HARUKA
Kill Her. We don't give a shit.
Dream can't believe what she's hearing.
MISS DREAM
YOU'RE BLUFFING!
NEO HARUKA
Nah, she's a pain in the ass. Kill
the spore. It would be a service.
CATWOMAN CHIBIUSA
U faking bich im gonan kik yer az 4
diz harackra!11
Miss Dream chuckles, thinking she's figured out what's going
on.
MISS DREAM
AWW, YOU'RE TRYING TO SHOW ME HOW
"HARD" YOU ARE, TRYING TO MAKE ME
THINK YOU'RE NOT THE SAME CHUMPS
WHO WENT OUT LIKE LITTLE BITCHES
THE LAST TIME WE FOUGHT! WELL IMMA
GONNA CALL YER BLUFF, FUCKERS! HAH!
Dream HURLS Chibiusa to the ground, where she EXPLODES into
the ground. Dream then brings down her giant foot on
Chibiusa.
SFX: Bones cracking.
We see a pool of blood oozing out from under her foot. A beat
as everyone looks on in horror, wondering if the hypnosis
has, in fact, failed as Xadium worried it might. The pool of
blood continues to grow, soaking into the white sand. In
anguish, Setsuna cries out
XENA SETSUNA
SMALL LADY!
Dramatic sting.
Jerky PAN over to Miss Dream's shoulder, where, in a burst of
pink light, Chibiusa has reappeared.
CATWOMAN CHIBIUSA
DAT HART, FACKER!
Insert a shot of the side of Miss Dream's face, framing it so
we get a freaky, surreal visual of her left eyeball swiveling
to its maximum limit as it looks at the tiny Chibiusa on her
shoulder. Switch back to a long shot of the giant Dream, who
looks normal-sized compared to the tiny Senshi as she yells
MISS DREAM
WHAT THE HELL!? I JUST STEPPED ON
YOU!?
CATWOMAN CHIBIUSA
I respwaedn, bich!!1
Haruka buzzes past Dream's face with a sonic boom, yelling
NEO HARUKA
RESPAWN! WOOT!
Dream is distracted by this, and she turns to follow Haruka,
completely failing to notice Chibiusa, who has clambered into
her ear. She only notices when the sounds of Chibiusa's
footsteps are magnified tens of thousands of times in her
head. In pain, she slaps at her ears in a futile gesture.
MISS DREAM
What?! GET OUT OF MY EAR! STOP IT!
DAMNIT!
Chibiusa pulls out a bullhorn, takes a deep breath and yells
though it
CATWOMAN CHIBIUSA
U fking bicj u faking brok mai nack
u dumas im gona clim in2 ur brain
and facking lobitomize u wit mai
kitwomen clawz n--
Miss dream is now in excruciating pain thanks to the triple
overkill aural attack of the spore, and she staggers over to
the black cliff, SLAMMING into its side. She screams
MISS DREAM
DAMMIT YOU'RE DEAFENING ME AND I
CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL YOU
ARE SAYING!
Setsuna looks up at the hysterical Miss Dream and is almost
unable to believe what she's seeing. She asks herself a
clearly rhetorical question.
XENA SETSUNA
Has she gotten... whinier since the
last time we saw her?
Quick CUT TO the CLEAN ROOM, where Xadium and Artemis are
shocked as Hotaru, her eyes still staying closed, suddenly
lets out a bone-chilling SCREAM, hands flying to her ears.
ARTEMIS
Hotaru?
XADIUM
(confused)
Cluck cluck?
CUT BACK to the battle zone, where Minako is now standing
defiantly before the gigantic Dream, who is still holding her
head. Haruka can be seen flying around, annoying Dream as
well.
BRIDE MINAKO
You're going to pay for what you
did to my friends!!
Despite her pain from the Spore SCREAMING in her skull, Dream
still manages to brag.
MISS DREAM
YOU CAN'T HURT ME! IN THIS REALM I
AM GOD! THE GODDESS OF FRIGHT!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!
Minako responds my unsheathing her Hanzo, which GLEAMS in
under the light of the full moon, and "shings" slightly, the
blade vibrating ever so subtly.
BRIDE MINAKO
This is Hittori Hanzo-san's
greatest sword! It is said that if,
on your journey, you should ever
encounter God, God would be cut!!
Dream's eyes bug out as she exclaims, totally shocked,
MISS DREAM
...YOU'RE SHITTING ME!
Minako pulls out a large 50" TV, and hooks up a VCR to it,
putting in a tape of Kill Bill Vol. 1. MISS DREAM squats down
and hunches in front of the small (to her) screen, munching
on some giant-sized popcorn.
Cut to a BLACK SCREEN, on which we see the subtitle "HOURS
LATER". Cut back to the last shot, where we see the movie now
ending.
Dream nods to the others.
MISS DREAM
COOL MOVIE!
Minako LEAPS forward as Miss Dream stands, up, SLASHING the
tendons in her ankles much as the Bride did in the beginning
of the movie. Dream SCREAMS in unholy agony as she begins to
fall over.
MISS DREAM
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRR!
With a tremendous, earth shattering BLAM, Dream CRASHES into
the white sands, sending up a TIDAL WAVE of dust.
CUT TO:
36 INT. CLEAN ROOM 36
As Artemis and Xadium watch Hotaru, they are SHOCKED again as
Hotaru SCREAMS in agony. All of a sudden, blood begins to
SPRAY from the spot behind her ankles.
XADIUM
Cluck!
ARTEMIS
Stop the bleeding!
Xadium leans down and tries to dress the wound, but lacks the
needed supplies. He sees something that might help, and tries
to get Artemis to bring it to him-- but speech is difficult.
XADIUM
X: Cluck Cluck!
ARTEMIS
Ugh! I can't STAND THIS!
Narrowing his eyes, Artemis fires a beam of energy from the
crescent moon in his forehead, similar to the one Luna used
on Usagi at the beginning of Sailor Moon R. Xadium flies
back. When he stands up, his mind is back to normal.
XADIUM
For heaven's sake, man! Why didn't
you do that before?!
ARTEMIS
Heh, I was having fun watching you
cluck, actually.
XADIUM
Seems to be a habit with some.
Hmph. At any rate, I can't stop
this bleeding-- can you get me
those bandages over there, I need
to maintain pressure on the wounds.
Artemis leaps onto the counter and grabs some bandages in his
mouth, leaping back down and running over to Xadium, who gets
them and starts to apply them to Hotaru's left foot.
ARTEMIS
Why is this happening?!
XADIUM
If I had to guess, I'd say Miss
Dream and Hotaru must be so
fundamentally connected that
anything which hurts one hurts the
other. Haruka guessed the same,
which is why she wanted to attack
her earlier. But at this rate, if
the others manage to kill Miss
Dream, they'll kill Hotaru-- and
us, who are still in her mind, as
well!
Artemis' eyes go wide in terror as he realizes the
implication of what Xadium has said.
ARTEMIS
Doc, I'm going! I'm gonna tell them
to stop attacking Dream, before
it's too late!
XADIUM
Right!
Artemis runs out the door. Xadium continues to dress the
wounds, but notes that the bleeding has not only stopped, but
they have closed again. The Time Lord is confused by this.
XADIUM
Odd, the bleeding's stopped on its
own and the wounds are healing
spontaneously. I've studied the
senshi healing factor-- well Venus'
anyway-- and this is nothing like
it. Whatever is going on here?
CUT TO:
37 EXT. DREAMSCAPE - EVA BATTLEGROUND 37
Miss Dream concentrates, and her tendons heal up as she rises
to her full height and SLAMS her head against a rock,
forcibly EJECTING Chibiusa from her ear.
MISS DREAM
YOU CAN'T STOP ME, YOU FOOLS!
Picking up Chibiusa, Dream grins sadistically, holding
Chibiusa's head between her giant thumb and forefinger, and
in a shot for shot replay of the scene from the season
finale, she twists and snaps Chibiusa's neck like a twig.
Chibiusa's body drops the Catwoman costume. Dream drops her
to the ground, where her body lands in a cloud of sand with a
soft "poof".
MISS DREAM
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dream prepares to gloat, but is taken aback by the fact that
no one seems even remotely concerned that Chibiusa has been
killed. This isn't going like the last fight at all.
Moreover, to her shock and dismay, the spore gets back up,
her head flopping to one side. Using her stubby arms,
Chibiusa GRABS her head and JERKS it back into place with a
gross sounding CRACK.
MISS DREAM
WHAT THE HELL?! I KILLED YOU!
Chibiusa sticks her tongue out.
CHIBIUSA
new u dadn't!
MISS DREAM
YES I DID! I BROKE YOUR NECK! SEE?!
Miss Dream whips out some graphic, frame-by-frame giant
polaroid pictures.
Chibiusa shrugs.
CHIBIUSA
I wuz new salling, bich!1
Giant question marks appear over Miss Dream's head.
MISS DREAM
NO-SELLING? WHAT'S THAT!?
Haruka lands on the ground and puts a wrestling video in the
VCR, showing a smaller wrestler standing seemingly unharmed
after taking a massive hit from a larger, stronger foe.
HARUKA
In Wrestling that's when you don't
react to a hit by an opponent. It
makes you invincible.
Dream's face twists into the incredulous face of a pissed off
teen who feels she's just been robbed.
MISS DREAM
NO FAIR! THAT'S CHEATING!
CHIBIUSA
sew wat, bich?!
Miss Dream is jumping up and down, sending small earthquakes
through the area as she yells
MISS DREAM
CHEATING CHEATING CHEATING! YOU
SHOULD DIE WHEN I TELL YOU!
She and Chibiusa get into a shouting match as the others
casually watch while eating popcorn.
CHIBIUSA
NEW!
MISS DREAM
YES! YOU DIED! DIE, DIE, DIE!
CHIBIUSA
I'm aliv, live, liv, liv!!1
MISS DREAM
BITCH! YOU'RE SUCH A PAIN IN THE
ASS!
CHIBIUSA
Im ur facking hammerhoid, baybee!1
Chibiusa gives Miss Dream the finger with both hands.
MISS DREAM
WAHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU PEOPLE ARE
SOOOOO UNFAIR!!!
NEO HARUKA
Sooo... she pits us all against one
another, using our deepest fears
and the love of our friends against
us, and WE'RE unfair?! What a punk!
MISS DREAM
I'M NOT A PUNK!! I'M THE GODDESS OF
FRIGHT! FEAR ME, BITCHES!
The Suburban Senshi are severely underwhelmed.
MICHIRU STEWART
We appear to be stalemated.
Dream won't let go of her superiority complex, however.
MISS DREAM
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FOOLS CAME
BACK, BUT YOU'RE STILL DOOMED
DOOMED! YAY! MMUAHAHAHAAHAH!!
Haruka just runs her hand through her hair in a super cool
way, suavely replying
NEO HARUKA
How, dumbass, We can't hurt you,
and you can't hurt us... Heh.
Miss Dream chuckles, summoning a vision of the pale, weak,
Suburban Senshi's bodies back in the real world. Louder and
shriller than before, she yells
MISS DREAM
EVENTUALLY, WITHOUT YOUR MINDS,
YOUR BODIES WILL WITHER AND DIE!!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!
Everyone covers their ears, not so much because the yelling
is so loud, but because her crazy teenybopper voice is damned
*annoying* to hear. About the only thing that could make it
worse would be if she were to start popping gum at irregular
intervals. Now Minako and Dream get into it.
BRIDE MINAKO
MOH! WILL YOU STOP YELLING!!
MISS DREAM
I'M THE GODDESS OF FRIGHT I'M
ALLOWED TO YELL, YOU BITCH!
BRIDE MINAKO
You sound like you're FIFTEEN YEARS
OLD!!
The others laugh. Miss Dream gives Minako the finger.
MISS DREAM
FUCK OFF!
Minako fumes. Haruka is kind of disturbed.
NEO HARUKA
You know, seeing a giant 50 foot
'Taru-chan with a foul fucking
mouth fucking creeps me the fuck
out.
Michiru tries to ignore them both and work more on
psycholigical undermining Miss Dream.
MICHIRU
Ahem. I'm sure rei.bot is taking
care of our bodies on the outside.
MISS DREAM
THE DAMN ANDROID... I COULDN'T GET
INTO HER DREAMS.... HOW FUCKING
RUDE!
Haruka just can't resist saying what she says next, asking it
with almost jovial relish.
NEO HARUKA
Dreamy, why the fuck are you so
fucking foul?!
Miss Dream doesn't miss a beat, shooting back
MISS DREAM
I PULLED THAT SHIT FROM *YOUR*
FUCKING MIND WHEN NEHELENIA HAD
YOU, YOU FUCKER! FUCK!
Haruka takes the invective-laden spiel in cool stride.
NEO HARUKA
Face it, Dreamy, we're at an
impasse. Both profanely and
tactically.
Miss Dream, as if it wasn't obvious, is nowhere near as level
headed. For the first time in her short life, she's having a
bad day, and she lacks the skills to cope in a civilised
manner.
MISS DREAM
SHUT THE FUCK UP! I HATE YOU
PEOPLE! I WAS JUST HAVING FUN ON MY
SEXY DATE WHEN YOU SHOWED UP AND
STARTED GODMODING LIKE A BUNCH OF
CHEAPASS CHEESY LAMERS!
Haruka, as per usual, never fails to take the chance to sink
to her opponent's level.
NEO HARUKA
WHAT THE FUCK LADY, YOU GODMODED
ALL OVER OUR ASSES JUST A FEW HOURS
AGO!
MISS DREAM
IT'S CALLED A DOUBLE STANDARD,
BITCH! LIKE, DUH!
SETSUNA
Did she say "Sexy Date...?"
As Setsuna ponders that frightening thought, Artemis runs in,
panting.
ARTEMIS
Everyone! Stop attacking her! If
you hurt her, you hurt Hotaru!
NEO HARUKA
Dude. We stopped attacking her
like, ten minutes ago.
Artemis sighs. Dream, of course, sees the worried expression
on Minako, Michiru and Setsuna's faces, and senses that she
has the upper hand once again.
MISS DREAM
OH, DID I FORGET TO MENTION THAT?
HEH. NOW WHAT WILL YOU SAILOR BRATS
DO!? HAHAHAHA YOU DUMBASSES!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Haruka points at Dream angrily.
Dramatic music plays. The kind used when the hero boldly
announces some new, radical, ace-in-the-hole strategy.
NEO HARUKA
We're not sailor brats, punkass!
We're--
(beat)
the Suburban Senshi!
24 And the music dies as everyone facefaults. 24
MISS DREAM
WHAT A STUPID NAME! MINE'S MUCH
COOLER!!
NEO HARUKA
Oh Yeah, "Miss Dream" just SCREAMS
coool.
Haruka sticks her tongue out at Dream, who responds in kind.
MISS DREAM
THE ONLY THING THAT WILL SCREAM IS
YOU AS I TORTURE YOU HORRIBLY
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T KILL YOUR FRIEND
SO TAKE THIS!
Everyone bristles for an attack. Instead, Dream gives them
the finger again. Haruka shakes her head, really annoyed.
NEO HARUKA
I *knew* we should have fragged
Hotaru! This is stupid!
Michiru smacks Haruka on the back of the head.
MICHIRU STEWART
Enough already! Even *I'm* tired of
hearing it!
Haruka pouts.
NEO HARUKA
I'm just sayin'...
Dream presses her tactical advantage, trying to be the
sinister manipulator she was in the season finale, but not
quite managing the same level of sinister credibility.
MISS DREAM
ONCE AGAIN, YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR
FRIEND DOOMS YOU! ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS GET BACK TO YOUR HOUSE, KILL
YOUR BODIES, AND THAT'S THE END OF
YOU. FOREVER. BUT YOU CAN'T TOUCH
ME, BECAUSE THEN HOTARU DIES!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA!
While she makes a valid point, her change in attitude,
coupled with the Senshi's better understanding of the way the
mental battlefield works, has served to seriously blunt her
menace. While there is still danger, it's taken a backseat to
the almost ludicrous nature of their opponent, as Michiru
points out, talking casually with Minako, their backs turned
to Dream, but talking loud enough so she can hear.
MICHIRU STEWART
Do you know, she's become very
annoying ever since she absorbed
the Professor's madness.
BRIDE MINAKO
I stopped being afraid about the
time she called us "lamers"...
MISS DREAM
FEAR ME, BITCHES! I'M YOUR WORST
NIGHTMARE! FUCKERS! BOO!!! YOU'RE
GOING TO LIVE IN MY HEAD FOREVER
UNTIL I FINALLY MAKE YOU DIE! YEAH!
FOREVER, BITCHES! THAT'S A LONG-ASS
TIME!
Dream suddenly laughs an annoying Fran Drescher-style laugh
and, out of the blue, the calm, cool, collected Haruka--
cracks.
NEO HARUKA
Forever?! Fuck that! I can't take
being locked in here with this
fucking whining emo-bopper for
eternity! I don't care anymore! I'm
- I'm sorry Hotaru! I'll do it
quick!
As everyone watches in shock, Haruka pounds the ground with
her right fist and catches the rebound shockwave, taking to
the air like Neo and BURSTING forward in a sonic boom,
rushing back to the "clean room".
MICHIRU STEWART
Haruka-- no!
BRIDE MINAKO
Shimatta! I thought she'd learned
her lesson!
ARTEMIS
That stubborn jerk!
Miss Dream suddenly experiences a pang of mortal fear, which
can be heard in her voice.
MISS DREAM
BULLSHIT! THERE'S NO WAY SHE'D DO
IT!
Michiru looks at Dream with panic in her eyes.
MICHIRU STEWART
You know all of our personalities!
You KNOW she's ruthless enough to
do it!
Indeed she does.
MISS DREAM
FUCKING SHIT!
Dream vanishes from the landscape. Chibiusa drops to the
ground and pounds the sand with her tiny fists, tears
dropping from her eyes.
CHIBIUSA
Fack! Horartu-chun! new! ur a stack
up arrogent titeass bich, bat ur my
brest fend!!!1 NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
ARTEMIS
Everyone! Wish yourselves back to
the room with Hotaru! We have to
stop Haruka!
CUT TO:
38 DREAMSCAPE - INT. CLEAN ROOM 38
The others appear in front of the doorway to the "Clean Room"
in flashes of light. The door is halfway open, and we can
already see a horrific sight. Xadium is knocked out, lying on
the ground, blood leaking from his mouth. The crazed Haruka
has her bloodied hands wrapped around Hotaru's neck, ready to
choke the life out of her. Hotaru's mouth moves as if
gasping for air. Miss Dream appears beside them.
MISS DREAM
SO THIS IS WHERE SHE WAS! TOMOE,
YOU DECEIVED ME!
Seeing Xadium in the corner, Minako roughly pushes Dream
aside, rushing into the room, her appearance returning to
normal. The others follow, those in costume also reverting to
their normal look.
MINAKO
WHAT DID YOU DO TO X-CHAN?!
Minako tries to run toward him, but Haruka violently bats her
aside with a chop, returning her hand to Hotaru's throat.
amazingly, even with all that, an argument breaks out.
MICHIRU
WILL EVERYONE STOP SCREAMING?!
MISS DREAM
NO! YOU BE QUIET, BITCH!
MICHIRU
WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BITCH?
MISS DREAM
YOU, BITCH!
MICHIRU
YOU'RE A BITCH!
MISS DREAM
I'M NOT A BITCH, I'M THE GODDESS OF
FRIGHT, SO I SAY YOU'RE THE BITCH
AND THAT'S THAT, BITCH!
Artemis sniffs the air, a familiar, yet odd scent reaching
his sensitive nostrils.
ARTEMIS
That smell...
Minako gets to her feet slowly and cracks her neck.
MINAKO
Yes, Artemis, it's the sound of a
cat-fight...
ARTEMIS
Oh very funny. No it's something
else.
Haruka coughs.
HARUKA
Ahem... strangulating my adopted
kid over here...
MISS DREAM
DAMN! HARUKA TEN'OU! YOU ARE A
PSYCHOTIC MANIAC! WHAT THE FUCK IS
WRONG WITH YOU?!
Everyone just LOOKS at Miss Dream.
HARUKA
You're going down, Dream! To hell
with me! Been there, DONE THAT! As
long as I can SHUT YOUR ASS UP,
I'LL PAY THE PRICE OF ADMISSION!
MISS DREAM
YOU'D KILL YOUR FRIEND FOR
SOMETHING AS INSIGNIFICANT AS YOUR
OWN LIFE? THAT'S SO FUCKED UP!
HARUKA
And a psychotic whiner who infects
people's dreams and makes them kill
each other off ISN'T FUCKED UP!?
Minako takes the opportunity to transform into Sailor Venus,
pointing her fingers at Haruka in preparation for firing a
crescent beam attack, which is the fastest of all Senshi
attacks, akin to a powerful sniper shot.
SAILOR VENUS
Haruka-san, don't make me do this!
Haruka chuckles, a demented look in her eyes.
HARUKA
As fast as your crescent beam is,
Neko-chan, my hands are faster!
She'll be dead before I am!
As the others watch in transfixed horror, Miss Dream pops up
right next to Haruka, between her and the unconscious Xadium,
who is passed out in the corner.
MISS DREAM
BUT I'M AS FAST AS THE SPEED OF
THOUGHT! NEENER NEENER BOO BOO!
EAT SHIT AND DIE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Haruka smiles and yells
HARUKA
NOW, X!
Instantly, the prone Xadium LEAPS to his feet and TACKLES
Miss Dream with all his might, sending the two of them FLYING
across the room as everyone watches, stunned. Xadium huffs
and calls out
XADIUM
Hurry up and help me, everyone! I
don't think I can hold her!
Dream squirms and twists, but is actually only as strong as
Tomoe Hotaru, and so Xadium *is* actually able to hold her
pinned for a bit.
MISS DREAM
LET GO, YOU EFFETE TIME LORD,
BEFORE I RUN YOU THROUGH WITH MY
GLAIVE! IT'S SHARP! I KNOW BECAUSE
I SHARPENED IT ON YOUR SKULL LAST
TIME! YOU WENT OUT LIKE A BITCH!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Dream sticks out her tongue at Xadium, who steps aside as the
others come into assist, dryly replying
XADIUM
And... Which glaive would that be,
exactly, hmm?
Dream flicks her wrist, trying to summon the Nightmare
Glaive, but nothing happens. Predictably, she screams.
MISS DREAM
DAMMIT! WHERE'S MY WEAPON! WHY
CAN'T I DO ANYTHING! THIS SUCKS!
WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
HARUKA
SHUT UP, DAMN!
Haruka releases her grip on Hotaru's neck, which turns out to
not have been tight at all, as Sailor Venus drops her
transformation. Artemis walks over to some of the "blood" on
the floor next to where Xadium was lying, sniffs it and
experimentally tastes some. Minako is nauseated.
MINAKO
Eww, Artemis!!
ARTEMIS
I KNEW I smelled ketchup!
Minako is surprised. Turning to Xadium, she hugs him hello
and asks
MINAKO
Ne, where'd you get ketchup??
Matter-of factly, the Time Lord replies
XADIUM
I had a packet in one of my
pockets.
MINAKO
Why would you have a ketchup packet
in your pocket?
XADIUM
I always carry condiments, just in
case.
Minako giggles at a joke Xadium doesn't quite get.
The others, meanwhile, are giving Haruka strange looks.
Finally, she can't take it any more, blurting out,
HARUKA
What, you thought I'd kill her?
EVERYONE
YES!
Haruka sighs. Dream, for her part, continues to scream.
MISS DREAM
WHY WON'T MY POWERS WOOORRRRK!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!
CHIBIUSA
omg is si wining?!
MINAKO
Yeah... she's... whining...
SETSUNA
I think I know why powers don't
work in this room. Miss Dream took
Tomoe-hakase's madness, leaving the
sane core of his mind intact. It
constructed this room to protect
Hotaru-chan.
HARUKA
(dimly)
While the insanity of Tomoe has
finally turned her into a WHINY
TEENAGE BITCH WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT
ISSUES!
MISS DREAM
YOU ASSHOLE! IF I GET OUT OF HERE
I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! NOBODY
CALLS THE GODDESS OF FRIGHT A WHINY
TEENAGE BITCH!
The others do their best to ignore the argument.
ARTEMIS
But this room is in her mind too...
why is it immune?
Setsuna picks up a mug of Tasty Coffee from one of the
counters and samples its aroma.
SETSUNA
The sane Tomoe-hakase was a
brilliant scientist and
physicist... he understood real,
concrete physical laws. So if he
built a mental space, it would obey
all those laws perfectly. An
illusion mimicking reality in every
detail down to the subatomic.
HARUKA
So fantastical god-moding matrixy
shit wouldn't work here...
XADIUM
Precisely.
HARUKA
Which means, Miss BITCH here has no
powers either.
Dream spits at Haruka, squirming and screaming as Michiru and
Chibiusa hold her in place.
MISS DREAM
LET ME GO, LET ME GO!!!
MICHIRU
She's actually quite weak without
her powers.
MISS DREAM
LET ME GO, DAMMIT! AND MAYBE I'LL
SPARE YOUR PUNY LIVES! YOU THINK
YOU'VE WON? YOU HAVEN'T WON! I HAVE
HOTARU'S MIND AND BODY! I CAN WAIT!
SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW, I WILL KILL YOU
ALL AND GET BACK TO MY HOT DATE
WITH YUUICHIRO!
Minako, as would be expected, is the first one to seize upon
this statement for more than the obvious threat it is.
MINAKO
You're dating Yuuichiro?! Wow!
Dream, for her part, is more than willing to enter into some
"girl talk" of a sort.
MISS DREAM
YEAH! I WAS GOING TO USE HIM AS
LEVERAGE AGAINST SAILOR MARS, BUT
HE'S GOT A CUTE BUTT SO I WAS GOING
TO SEDUCE HIM! HE'S GOING TO BE MY
PERSONAL MAN-MEAT!
CHIBIUSA
horartu an yuuichiro?! hloy sit!
Setsuna looks at Miss Dream curiously.
SETSUNA
Does a weapon of vengeance have
time for a social life?
Dream is totally taken aback by the question, so much so that
she even stops yelling for a moment. But only a moment.
MISS DREAM
Whaddya mean?
SETSUNA
You were created to destroy the
senshi...then what would you have
done after that?
MISS DREAM
(innocently)
HUMPED YUUICHIRO?
Everyone else sweatdrops. Setsuna does her best to try and
sound calm and collected.
SETSUNA
But given that you were created
with the sole purpose of killing
us, what do you think would happen
to you after that?
Dream takes a few seconds to answer this. It's clear she has
never thought it through.
MISS DREAM
I guess I would just... vanish, or
something...
MINAKO
"Sire and forget", huh?
More sweatdropping. Death by dehydration is a real danger at
this point amongst the Sub. Senshi.
MICHIRU
"Fire and forget", dear.
MINAKO
That too, I guess... hehehe.
HARUKA
(to Dream)
That's a shitty way to live-- I
mean about the "fire" and forget,
not the "sire" and forget, heh.
That's cool.
Michiru GLARES at Haruka and looks away from her with her
eyes closed in a huff. Miss Dream nods excitedly at Haruka,
hopping up and down as best she can. Michiru and Chibiusa do
their best to keep hold of her.
MISS DREAM
MAYBE BUT NOW I'VE DECIDED! I'M NOT
GOING TO DO THAT! THE INSANE
PROFESSOR'S SHOWN ME THAT THERE'S
FUN TO BE HAD CHASING HOT YOUNG MEN
AND HAVING SCANDALOUS FUN! SO I'M
GOING TO KILL ONLY MOST OF YOU AND
THEN GO PLAY INSTEAD! YUUICHIRO
WILL JUST BE A FLING!
Haruka coughs.
HARUKA
I don't believe this. The guy's
pimping out his own daughter.
Xadium shrugs.
XADIUM
Well, it *is* the insane part of
him.
Minako regards her husband curiously.
MINAKO
X-chan, how come you're not a
chicken anymore?
Xadium looks at his wife crossly (well as crossly as he can,
considering his innate inability to stay angry at her for
more than five seconds at a time).
XADIUM
Minako, we'll need to talk later.
Minako rubs the back of her head sheepishly and sweatdrops.
MINAKO
Ehehehe...
Haruka cracks her knuckles and advances towards the squirming
Miss Dream.
HARUKA
So. You're only going to kill some
of us, huh?
MISS DREAM
OF COURSE! YOU'RE IN THE WAY OF MY
PERKY NEW SOCIAL LIFE! FUCKING
BITCHES DIE QUIETLY SO I CAN PARTY!
WHICH ONE OF YOU WANNA DIE FIRST?
Haruka lifts up Chibiusa and holds her up to Dream.
HARUKA
May I present to you the Spore?
Chibiusa GLARES at Haruka.
HARUKA
Spore - Miss Dumbass. Dumbass, The
Spore. Hmm... so hard to tell the
difference.
Haruka puts Chibiusa back down. The little girl kicks Haruka
in the knee.
HARUKA
OW YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
CHIBIUSA
Faddar facker u bich! Gat it rite!
MINAKO
(dryly)
We'd rather not, thanks.
Setsuna has been thinking through the whole situation while
the others have been bickering and has thought of something.
SETSUNA
Miss Dream-san? What... if we get
out of your way.
MISS DREAM
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Xadium holds his ears and winces.
XADIUM
Can you... *please* stop yelling?
MISS DREAM
NO!!
MICHIRU
Setsuna? Do go on.
SETSUNA
Dream, if you kill the senshi, your
function would end, and you would
probably expire shortly thereafter,
perhaps even while in flagrante
delicto, which might very well
prove to be annoying. But if you
let us live, and return us to our
bodies, we could, in turn, let you
live. You could enjoy the fruits
and pleasures of a full human life.
MISS DREAM
SHUT UP OLD LADY! LIKE I SAID, I
COULD STILL KILL JUST SOME OF YOU
BUGS, OR BETTER YET, ALL OF YOU,
AND JUST AND LEAVE ONE INNER SENSHI
ALIVE! YOU'RE SO STUPID FOR BEING
SO DAMN OLD! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Setsuna gets ready to deliver a wicked slap to Miss Dream's
face. Minako restrains her. Haruka runs with the ball.
HARUKA
Yeah, You Coooooooulld... but
wouldn't it be nicer to have
friends? WE could be your friends!
MISS DREAM
HUH?!
Miss Dream isn't the only one in shock at hearing those words
come from Haruka's mouth.
MINAKO
X-chan, WHAT did she just say?!
XADIUM
I... refuse to contemplate that.
Michiru feels Haruka's forehead for high temperature.
MICHIRU
Haruka! You sound like... like...
Usagi-chan! Making friends with the
enemy instead of killing them!
Haruka staggers back as if hit by a low blow. Which she was,
in a way.
HARUKA
(To Michiru)
That hurts, man. Bad.
(To Dream)
Think about it. You like doing fun
shit with humans, right? If you
kill us, the other senshi will just
come after you again and again,
you'll have a criminal record, the
Tokyo PD will come after you, and
it'll be a PAIN IN THE ASS!
Believe, me, I know!
Miss Dream is listening raptly.
HARUKA
You let us live, and we'll show you
how to have fun!
Haruka flashes her winning grin. Dream is unsure.
MISS DREAM
REALLY...? I DON'T KNOW... I CAN'T
READ YOUR MINDS HERE... *SHE* MUST
BE STOPPING ME...
Dream beckons over to Hotaru, who is still asleep.
MISS DREAM
STUPID PRUDISH TWIIIT!!
Hotaru frowns in her sleep. Minako whispers something to her
husband.
MINAKO
Ne, X-chan! You know, Tomoe
hakase's insanity made Miss Dream
into a whiny teen, but now she's
just acting like a two year old!
Xadium chuckles, and glances over at Miss Dream, who is
sticking out her tongue at Hotaru, the scene very much that
of two identical twins with wildly different personalities.
Dream hears the chuckling, and in her teenybopper paranoia,
correctly surmises what is going on.
MISS DREAM
WHAT DID YOU SAAAY!? ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT ME?! BECAUSE I'M A
GODDESS OF FRIGHT AND I DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE THAT KIND OF SHIT FROM YOU,
BIMBO BARBIE!!
Minako gets in Dream's face, ready to rumble.
MINAKO
What did you CALL ME!?
Xadium pulls her back.
XADIUM
Mina, calm down...!
Haruka steps outside the CLEAN ROOM and stands in the inky
black void beyond, calling to Dream.
HARUKA
Man, look, ignore them- I'll show
you what I mean!
Doing half of a thrust squat, Haruka balls up her fists,
arches her back and starts to shake with some kind of massive
effort, making straining noises.
HARUKA
Nhrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!
The others don't know what the hell to make of this.
MICHIRU
Haruka, are you all right?
MINAKO
You sound constipated, Haruka
san...
Haruka stops for a moment to facefault.
HARUKA
Dude, if this was DBZ I'd have
powered up to Super Saiya-jin 9 by
now!
Haruka starts again, and outside the doorway, reality starts
to shift around Haruka, forming a simulation of the Sub.
Senshi house-- a reality that is in cheesy 1950's style black
and white (complete with film blotches) and corny 50's
filmstrip BGM
HARUKA
Now... ngggggh... I'll show you...
our... home.. hggggh life...
FILMSTRIP MICHIRU
Welcome home, Haruka-darling!
FILMSTRIP HARUKA
Michi, sweetness!
Filmstrip Michiru and Filmstrip Haruka embrace tightly. Then
start to make out, kissing noises playing over all this. They
drop behind a sofa. As everyone watches in numb shock,
clothes start flying out from behind the sofa, and the noises
get more and more obnoxious as it becomes VERY CLEAR what's
going on back there.
MICHIRU (REAL)
Ugh... Haruka...
Miss Dream is freaking out even more than the others.
MISS DREAM
NO! THIS IS ICKY! GROSS AND NASTY!
I DON'T WANT THIS!
Haruka sweatdrops as she realizes what she's been showing.
HARUKA (REAL)
Uhh, sorry, wrong simulation.
Haruka does the crazy straining noises again. Finally, the
correct picture starts to show, and a corny filmstrip
narrator voice starts (kind of like the Powerpuff Girls'
narrator)
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
The Suburban Senshi home is a place
of wonder, where fun is had by all!
The latest in modern electronic
conveniences are provided to its
inhabitants, for their ultimate
convenience!
Filmstrip Haruka lounges on her comfy couch, her best pair of
Old Navy loafing socks on, her Eminem CD in the stereo and a
bag of Doritos open by her side. She props her Nintendo Power
magazine in her lap and laughs as she drinks some tasty,
delicious, Good for You, Duff Beer*
*End product placements
Filmstrip rei.bot, walking in somewhat clumsy, jerky
movements, walks in and bows stiffly and repeatedly.
FILMSTRIP REI.BOT
hello. my. mastar. how may i. serve
you.
FILMSTRIP HARUKA
Give me my tea, my good robotic
bitch!
FILMSTRIP REI.BOT
at. your. command.
Miss Dream is enthralled.
MISS DREAM
OH YEAH! THIS IS THE SHIT!
XADIUM (REAL)
I am rather glad rei.bot isn't here
to see this.
CHIBIUSA (REAL)
New kadding... se'd rim har fast pu
harackra's azz sew fist it waldnt B
fony...
MINAKO (REAL)
Isn't that Michiru-san's job?
More sweatdropping.
MINAKO (REAL)
I didn't mean it like that!!
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
Our specially trained staff will
tend to your every need!
Filmstrip Minako, dressed up as comfort woman, massages
Filmstrip Haruka's feet.
FILMSTRIP MINAKO
How's this, Haruka-sama?
FILMSTRIP HARUKA
Mm, very good Neko.
Filmstrip Haruka claps her hands.
Now fetch me my slippers!
Filmstrip Haruka whips Filmstrip Minako's derriere with a
towel.
FILMSTRIP MINAKO
(cutely)
Yadda!
Filmstrip Minako scuttles off.
MISS DREAM
HOLY SHIT YOU GET MASSAGES?!
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
Yes! You get massages! And that's
not all! On hot days, our service
gets even hotter!
Bad jerky film cut on the filmstrip.
Filmstrip Minako returns, dressed in a skimpy Egyptian server
girl outfit, fanning Filmstrip Haruka with a giant palm leaf
as she sits on the couch, sipping an iced tea. Filmstrip
Minako then begins massaging Filmstrip Haruka's feet.
MISS DREAM
OH DAMN I WANT SOME OF THAT FAN
SERVICE! GET THE PUN?! MUAHAHAHAHA!
The real Minako is, understandably, less impressed.
MINAKO (REAL)
WHAT THE HELL!? I DON'T EVEN DO
THAT FOR X-CHAN!
Miss Dream looks at Minako curiously. Haruka senses her plan
falling apart and quickly covers.
HARUKA (REAL)
She means she doesn't do it for her
own HUSBAND because she's so
dedicated to making the rest of us
so comfortable!
Dream buys it.
MISS DREAM
HOT DAMN THAT'S DEDICATION!
Xadium looks at filmstrip Minako and nudges the real one.s
XADIUM (REAL)
Minako, you wouldn't consider--
MINAKO (REAL)
Not unless you did it for me first,
koibito.
Minako giggles and winks. Xadium chuckles. Haruka sighs and
gives the others a "play along, fuckers!" expression and
continues her presentation.
The camera pans down to Filmstrip Haruka's feet, which are
propped up on Filmstrip Michiru's back-- she's serving as a
foot stool.
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
We go out of our way to give you
the ULTIMATE in luxurious comfort!
FILMSTRIP HARUKA
Channel 57, woman! WWE RAW awaits!
FILMSTRIP MICHIRU
Yes, my lord Haruka! (picks up the
remote in her mouth and presses the
button)
Minako busts out laughing as Michiru begins to twitch
uncontrollably.
MISS DREAM
WOW! YOU'VE GOT SOME OBEDIENT
BITCHES, HARUKA!
Michiru gets ready to punch her.
MICHIRU (REAL)
(through gritted teeth)
I'll give you obedient--
The others hold her back.
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
And that's not all!
MISS DREAM
IT'S NOT?!
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
NO! In addition to creature
comforts, there's great live
entertainment!
Filmstrip Jedite walks in, dressed as a clown wearing a red
nose, white make up, floppy shoes-- the whole bit. Corny
performance music begins to play as he starts juggling
chainsaws-- and filmstrip Chibiusa. After a few seconds the
Chainsaws cross paths with Chibiusa, who explodes in a cloud
of blood and gristle. Filmstrip Jedite smiles widely, as he
begins juggling Chibiusa's gib with the chainsaws.
Performance music stops.
CHIBIUSA (REAL)
Materfaking bich im gona stak mai
fot pu har az sew fer si'll gat
dyabeetes!11
Minako is furiously scribbling notes.
XADIUM
What are you doing, sweetheart?
MINAKO
Taking notes to show Jedite later!!
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
In addition to those exciting
spectacles, there are many
extravagant touches that you won't
find anywhere else! For example,
the living clock!
Filmstrip Xadium walks up to Filmstrip Haruka, who still is
being fanned by the scantily clad Filmstrip Minako and
resting her feet on the back of Filmstrip Michiru, watching
Filmstrip Jedite juggle.
FILMSTRIP XADIUM
FIVE O' CLOCK AND ALL'S WELL!
(cut)
FILMSTRIP XADIUM
FIVE O' FIVE AND ALL'S WELL!
(cut)
FILMSTRIP XADIUM
FIVE O' TEN AND ALL'S WELL!
XADIUM (REAL)
Five O'Ten?!
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
It even has memo features!
(cut)
FILMSTRIP XADIUM
Lord Haruka, it's time for you to
mock me again!
FILMSTRIP HARUKA
OK! You're a loser geek and you
dress like a chimney sweep!
Dream points to Xadium, laughing.
MISS DREAM
HAHAAHA LOOK AT HIM HE LOOKS SO
PISSED THIS IS GREAT SHIT!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
XADIUM (REAL)
Yes... fantastic.
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
Our specially trained staff will
attend to your every need!
Filmstrip Setsuna is standing by a plain, ordinary door.
FILMSTRIP SETSUNA
I stand guard by this sacred door,
ever-vigilant in case my services
are needed.
SFX: The sound of a toilet flushing behind her.
The door opens a crack and filmstrip Haruka's arm sticks out
of it. Filmstrip Setsuna obediently dons her facemask and
stick in an aerosol can, spraying in lemony scent. Filmstrip
Setsuna then gives the camera a big thumbs up and cheesy
grin, light glinting off her teeth.
SETSUNA (REAL)
There had BETTER be a good reason
for this...
Miss Dream is beside herself with amusement.
MISS DREAM
HAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAH!
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
And finally, as a special perk, you
even get your own multifunction
housecat!
FILMSTRIP HARUKA
Artemis, I choose you!
Filmstrip Haruka grabs filmstrip Artemis by the tail and uses
him like a feather duster, swiping him across dusty shelves.
She then uses him like a Vacuum cleaner, holding his tail in
her hand as he crawls on the ground eating stuff off of it,
and finally we see a shot of him as a room alarm (when the
door opens it crushes his tail and he yelps)
ARTEMIS (REAL)
That son of a bit--
Miss Dream is slapping her knees with glee.
MISS DREAM
OMG THIS STUFF IS SOOOO COOL! I CAN
SEE HOW HAVING FRIENDS WOULD SOOO
ROXXOR!!
MICHIRU
(dimly)
Those aren't friends, they're
toadies...
MISS DREAM
HOW CAN I GET ALL THIS?!
FILMSTRIP NARRATOR
Narrator: To take advantage of this
LIMITED TIME OFFER, you just have
to let the Suburban Senshi go, and
you can take your place in their
household as the new, improved,
Hotaru 2.0!
The others look at Haruka in horror.
SETSUNA
Now wait just a minute, Haruka--!
MISS DREAM
GREAT! BUT I'M KEEPING THE PROF'S
INSANITY!
Before anyone can react, Haruka has RUSHED over to Dream and
shook her hand.
HARUKA
Deal!
MINAKO
Haruka-san, what are you---
Before Minako can complete her sentence, we
CUT TO:
39 REAL WORLD - INT. SUBURBAN SENSHI DINING ROOM. 39
Slowly, tiredly, everyone blinks and comes to their senses as
rei.bot helps them stand. They look at the empty chair where
Hotaru once sat, everyone glaring at Haruka.
CUT TO:
40 REAL WORLD -INT. CROWN FRUIT PARLOUR II 40
Miss dream wakes up, her head still on Yuuichiro's lap. She
groans for a sec as all the boys in the place spontaneously
nosebleed. Sitting upright, she blinks, getting re-accustomed
to working a real body. Yuuichiro hesitantly speaks to her
YUUICHIRO
Uhh, Hotaru-san?
Miss Dream smacks him in the face and stands up, walking
around the table to leave.
MISS DREAM
SCREW OFF, LOSER! I HAVE TO GET TO
MY NEW HOUSE, WHERE MY BITCHES
AWAIT MY COMMANDS!
She leans over and kisses Yuuichiro passionately.
AWW, DON'T WORRY! WE'LL MAKE OUT
LATER! SO GO HOME AND WAIT FOR MY
PASSION, LOVER!
Yuuichiro gulps as Dream walks out to catcalls and hollers
from the males in the place.
SFX: Simultaneous Slapping noises (their girlfriends'
revenge)
The males groan in pain as we
CUT TO:
41 REAL WORLD - INT. SUB. SENSHI LIVINGROOM 41
The Sub. Senshi are in the livingroom, where a big argument
is underway.
They are regaining their energy and strength, but they are
still somewhat weak and disoriented from the long spell in
the dream world.
MICHIRU
Haruka! I can't believe you sold
out Hotaru! How could you?! HOW
COULD YOU?!
MINAKO
I thought you'd changed!
Haruka waves her hands in front of her frantically.
HARUKA
Guys, Guys! I *do* have a plan!
Artemis points an accusatory paw at Haruka.
ARTEMIS
What, to be the greatest betrayer
of all time?!
Haruka gets aggravated.
HARUKA
Dammit, Don't you people trust me?!
EVERYONE
NO!
Haruka just ignores them.
HARUKA
(to Xadium)
Doc, get back to your TARDIS thing
and whip up one of those psi
dampers or whatever the heck you
used to keep Dreamy out of our
heads for a while before it broke.
But don't switch it on till she
gets back in the house.
Xadium is upset with Haruka, but sees she's going somewhere
with this, and so consents.
XADIUM
...All right.
Professor Tomoe, who has been standing in a corner in
something of a daze, is the next to get marching orders.
HARUKA
Prof, I'll need some of that
thickass superglue you made that
one time you rendered Pegasus down!
PROF. TOMOE (SANE)
What.. that... was a horrible thing
I did... to him...
Haruka has no time to coddle the kind-hearted professor.
HARUKA
Maybe, but we need the glue, stat!
It's to save Hotaru!
PROF. TOMOE (SANE)
H-hotaru? A... All right...
Tomoe heads for his lab, still unsure of what is going on.
Michiru looks at Haruka with contempt.
MICHIRU
How will *glue* save Hotaru? If
this is another one of your half
baked schemes, I swear--
Haruka interrupts her, holding up her right hand imperiously.
HARUKA
Trust the *leader*, Michi!
Before Michiru can reply, Jedite appears in a haze of
expensive CGI.
JEDITE
Where's my damn money, Ten'ou?
Haruka growls.
HARUKA
Not now! We gotta get stuff in
place.
MICHIRU
Fine, Haruka. I'm going to assume
you have some kind of plan. What do
we do when she gets here?
Haruka grins a shit-eating grin and sits on the couch.
HARUKA
Just be ourselves. Heh.
The others look at Haruka like she's insane.
MICHIRU
WHAT KIND OF STUPID PLAN IS THAT?!
At that moment, the livingroom door BURSTS open, and Miss
Dream returns, wearing a revealing fishnet top. She raises
her left leg (covered in fishnet stockings) and plants her
black-booted foot on the arm of one of the Sofas.
MISS DREAM
HI GUYS! I'M BACK!! I WENT OUT AND
BOUGHT MYSELF SOME SEXY HOOKER
BOOTS!
MICHIRU
(dryly)
Thank you for that vital
information, Dream.
MISS DREAM
HI MICHIRU! BEND DOWN SO I CAN REST
MY HOOKER BOOTS ON YOUR BACK WHILE
YOU CHANGE THE TV CHANNEL FOR ME
WITH YOUR TEETH!
Dream plops on the sofa next to Haruka, who is drinking beer.
Michiru laughs in Dream's face.
MICHIRU
Hah! As if I would consent to be
the footstool of someone whose idea
of "hot fashion" is a vest that
looks like it was last seen
trawling for Tuna in the sea of
Japan!
Setsuna glares at Michiru.
SETSUNA
(irately)
*I* designed those. They're Meioh
originals.*
* This is a dig on her fashion sense (or lack thereof) in the
manga.
MICHIRU
That's all right, dear. We won't
hold it against you.
SETSUNA
...
MISS DREAM
HEY I PAID A LOT FOR THIS SHIT AND
THEY SAID IT MADE ME LOOK SEXY!
Setsuna nods obsequiously.
SETSUNA
It does, believe me. I spent a
great deal of time determining the
precise angle of the sexy netting
diameters.
MICHIRU
(dryly)
Yes, you're irresistible to
basketball and volleyball nets.
Miss Dream gives Michiru the finger.
MISS DREAM
FUCK YOU, YOU STUCK UP SHITHEAD!
GET YOUR BITCH ASS IN THE KITCHEN
AND MAKE ME SOME PIE!
Michiru just smiles at her.
MICHIRU
(dangerously)
All right, dear.
Michiru heads to the kitchen, with Setsuna starting to
follow, intent on defending the honour of her fashion line.
SETSUNA
(to Michiru)
You wouldn't know fashion if it
walked up and bit you in the ear,
Michiru!
MICHIRU
(from the kitchen)
What's the name of your label
again, Setsuna? "Streetwalker
Boutique?"
SETSUNA
I AM A FASHION GOD IN THE 31st
Century!
Haruka leans back on the sofa and belches, turning to Miss
Dream.
HARUKA
Yo, Dream, you shouldn'ta done
that.
Dream holds her nose and pulls out some mints from her purse.
MISS DREAM
DAMN YOUR BREATH IS STANK! HARUKA!
HAVE SOME BREATH MINTS! AND DONE
WHAT!? I TOLD YOU, THE HOOKER
BOOTS MAKE ME THE SEX!
Haruka pops a mint in her mouth.
HARUKA
Thanks. No, I meant about making
Michi cook for ya. You'll see.
Dream doesn't get it.
MISS DREAM
HUH?
Dream turns as the sounds of crashing can be heard from
upstairs as Chibiusa comes barreling down the stairs,
yelling.
CHIBIUSA
New facker!! Gat aewy frum mi u sam
bich!!1
Jedite comes racing after her, enraged.
JEDITE
I'll KILL YOU, YOU RUNT! MY LEG
ISN'T YOUR SURROGATE BOYFRIEND!
CHIBIUSA
Hshshshshshshshshs!
Chibiusa LEAPS over the back of the couch as Haruka calmly
lifts her beer out of harm's way. Jedite HURLS himself over
the back after her, smashing down and nailing Dream in the
head with his feet.
MISS DREAM
OWWW! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!
Jedite PLANTS his foot on the back of her head Ranma-style.
Miss Dream TWITCHES and CONVULSES as her face is SMASHED into
the coffee table, her whole body SPASMing as Jedite GRINDS
his boot into the back of her head and LAUNCHES after the
spore.
Haruka notes the scene and goes back to calmly drinking.
Michiru walks in with a greenish-looking apple pie and places
it in the twitching hand of Miss Dream.
MICHIRU
Here's your pie, dear.
MISS DREAM
THANKS!
Somehow Dream manages, even in her condition to cram the
whole thing in her mouth at once, chewing it and swallowing
at rapid speed. Michiru smiles brightly.
MICHIRU
And how do you like it?
Miss Dream's face turns green and she pukes all over the
floor with a big
MISS DREAM
BLEAUGH!
MISS DREAM
OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE SHITTIEST
PIE IN THE UNIVERSE!
HARUKA
Damn, Michi, I don't even wanna
*think* about what a pie tastes
like when you WANT it to taste bad.
MICHIRU
What does that mean?!
Haruka chuckles weakly.
HARUKA
Nothing...
Miss Dream has fallen on the floor on her back, arms and legs
up and twitching like a dying roach.
WEIRD POV SHOT of rei.bot that is upside down. Restore to
normal shot after a few seconds.
MISS DREAM
YOU, ROBOT BITCH,HELP ME UP AND
CLEAN MY PUKE! NOW!
rei.bot helps dream up and then smacks her on the back of the
head.
REI.BOT
vomit from your throat
a foul mess of your making
here is a broom bitch
rei.bot hands her a broom. Haruka's in shock.
HARUKA
Whoa she said bitch....
MISS DREAM
YOU CAN'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOU
WALKING TOASTER!
rei.bot calmly uppercuts Dream into the wall and leaves.
Dream slowly extricates herself and staggers back over to
Haruka.
MISS DREAM
HOLY SHIT HARUKA DID YOU SEE WHAT
SHE DID TO ME?!
Haruka nods and sips her beer calmly.
HARUKA
I think she likes you.
Dream blushes.
MISS DREAM
REALLY?!
HARUKA
No.
Haruka chugs her beer as Dream's face falls.
CUT TO:
42 INT. HOTARU'S ROOM - NIGHT 42
Miss Dream is in Hotaru's room, on her bed, under a swinging
lamp, trying to read a Hentai manga.
This is hard, because the whole room is shaking, and Haruka
and Michiru's obnoxious noises are irritating her to no end.
After Dream twitches for a while, she finally cracks, yelling
MISS DREAM
OH MY GOD CAN YOU TWO KEEP IT DOWN!
THAT SOUNDS SO ANNOYING! IT'S ONE
THING TO READ ABOUT IT, BUT TO HAVE
TO HEAR IT IS SO SICK!
In reply, the noises get louder, the shaking more intense.
MISS DREAM
DAMMIT YOU PEOPLE ARE FREAKS!
Grabbing a marble bust of Charles Darwin off the bookshelf,
Dream HURLS it through the wall, blasting open a "portal of
light" (since the adjoining room is brightly lit) into
Chibiusa's room. Dream peeps in, dimly realizing the shaking
isn't coming from there, but from the room next to THAT.
Still, she sees something she shouldn't have.
MISS DREAM
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THAT
PILLOW, CHIBIUSA! AND WHO'S THAT
GUY IN THE PICTURE?! ISN'T THAT
MAMORU, YOUR DAD!?! THAT'S SICK!!!
Dream vomits again.
MISS DREAM
SHIT I NEED SOMETHING TO DRINK!
Dream goes downstairs into the livingroom, which is dimly lit
by the outside moonlight. The ceiling is shaking, and Haruka
and Michiru's noises can still be heard, albeit much more
muffled.
Dream brushes some falling plaster out of her hair as she
approaches the brightly lit Mountain Dew vending machine
tucked in one corner of the room.
MISS DREAM
AT LEAST THEY HAVE A SODA MACHINE
DOWNSTAIRS! THAT'S SO COOL!
Dream notices something odd about it, however.
WAIT! WHY'S IT ROCKING LIKE THAT?!
AND WHY ARE OBNOXIOUS NOISES COMING
OUT OF IT TOO?! ARRGH! YOU PEOPLE
ARE CRAZY!!!
Dream steps away from the rocking soda machine, only to have
her left foot rest on a half-empty gatorade bottle, causing
her to slip backwards and fall butt-first into a pile of
about 50 more, sending them flying everywhere)
MISS DREAM
ARRGH!!!! WHAT THE HELL?! SOMEONE
CLEAN THE FUCK UP AROUND HERE! ROBO
BITCH, ARE YOU HERE?!
The sane Professor Tomoe emerges from his lab, and very
apologetically helps to pick up the bottles. He beckons to
the heavily rocking vending machine.
PROF. TOMOE (SANE)
You'll have to forgive them.
They're celebrating their two-month
wedding anniversary, which you
interrupted by killing them.
Dream stares at the machine again, in shock.
MISS DREAM
IN THERE?! THAT'S A TIGHT FIT,
ISN'T IT?
Tomoe sighs and pulls an index card out of his pocket,
remembering what he came out here for. He doesn't look to
happy about it.
PROF. TOMOE (SANE)
Oh, young lady...
MISS DREAM
YEAH?!
Dream is almost hypnotically transfixed with the Vending
machine, as she is hoping some cans will fall out and she
won't have to pay. Tomoe starts to read off the card, very
uncomfortable with what he's saying.
PROF. TOMOE
Would you like to play "Twister"
with me, mua ha ha ha?
Miss Dream looks at him, not grasping the full implication.
MISS DREAM
YEAH! I COULD DO WITH A NICE GAME
OF TWISTER TO TAKE MY MIND OFF THIS
CRAZY SHIT!
Dream follows him back to the lab.
SUBTITLE: A FEW MINUTES LATER
There is a SCREAM, and from the lab area we hear:
MISS DREAM
OH GOD THAT'S SOO SICK! I'M YOUR
OWN *DAUGHTER*! WELL I USED TO BE!
YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK FREAKS!
Dream runs back into the livingroom just a minute or so after
the Vending Machine / TARDIS stops rocking. The front of it
opens, and Xadium and Minako emerge sweaty and disheveled, in
sloppily buttoned PJ's, laughing and muttering love-love
things to each other as they drink some Gatorade, heading for
the kitchen. Dream calls out to them, but they ignore her.
MISS DREAM
WHOA! HOW'D YOU TWO FIT IN THERE?
She walks over to the open TARDIS door and pokes her head
inside, seeing the huge interior dimensions of the gleaming,
brightly lit console room.
MISS DREAM
HOLY SHIT! IT'S BIGGER ON THE
INSIDE THAN THE OUT--
SFX: Angry Cat yell, slashing sound.
MISS DREAM
ARRRRGH!
Dream pulls her head back out to reveal long red clawmarks on
it, as Artemis calmly walks out of the TARDIS, tail swishing,
earplugs in his ears.
Xadium kisses Minako on the neck and turns back to address
Dream for a second.
XADIUM
Oh, it seems you triggered the
alarm cat. So sorry about that!
Minako giggles as Xadium wraps his arm around her waist, the
happy couple heading for the kitchen and out of shot. Miss
Dream tenderly touches the side of her face and yelps.
MISS DREAM
OH GOD, THE PAIN ARRGH! I NEED TO
WASH OUT THESE CLAWMARKS! AND I
NEED TO TAKE A LEAK TOO!
Dream stumbles for the bathroom, where Setsuna stands guard.
She shoves Setsuna aside and runs in. A few seconds later,
Setsuna smiles as we hear a big splash and a yell.
MISS DREAM
WHAT MOTHERFUCKER PUT UP THE TOILET
SEAT!?!
Dream emerges from the toilet totally pissed off.
MISS DREAM
THIS HOUSE IS NOTHING LIKE THE
BROCHURE! FUCK IT! I'M LEAVING!
Dream tries to go out the front door, but it won't budge, no
matter how hard she tugs on it.
MISS DREAM
WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY WON'T IT MOVE?!
Dream tries another door. Then a window. Then she starts
zipping from one to the next faster and faster, slapstick
cartoon style.
Finally, she returns to the center of the livingroom, panting
and exhausted, plopping on the sofa. She barely hears as
Haruka and Michiru come downstairs glowing, Haruka in a Hugh
Hefner robe, and Michiru in elegant silk kimono. She greets
them with a loud
MISS DREAM
WHY ARE THEY ALL STUCK?!
HARUKA
Oh, that's because the Prof
superglued all the exits shut...
for greater energy efficiency.
Dream gets up and stretches her arms out, gesticulating
wildly as she yells.
MISS DREAM
THIS PLACE IS NOTHING LIKE THE
ADVERTISEMENT YOU SHOWED ME!!!
Haruka shrugs.
HARUKA
That's why you should never buy
shit off late-night infomercials.
Dream's face is red with rage.
MISS DREAM
BITCHES! YOU BROKE THE DEAL! NOW
I'M GOING TO SUCK YOU ALL INTO MY
MIND AND FINISH YOU OFF!!
Dream's features contort as she concentrates on sucking the
senshi back into her mind. Nothing happens. As usual, she
freaks.
MISS DREAM
WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY ISN'T ANYTHING
HAPPENING?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Xadium, who has come back from the kitchen with Minako, hugs
her close as he explains.
XADIUM
That would be the psionic dampener
in the TARDIS we turned on just as
you arrived yesterday.
Dream shoves Xadium, who is in too good a mood to care,
roughly.
MISS DREAM
WELL TURN IT OFF SO I CAN KILL YOU
ALL!!
XADIUM
No, I don't think so. What do you
think, dear?
Xadium looks to Minako, who giggles and shakes her head.
XADIUM
I think we'll pass.
Dream whines.
MISS DREAM
PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE?
Haruka does the same thing with Michiru, who shakes her head.
In the background, Chibiusa has hopped down the stairs and is
walking towards everyone.
HARUKA
Naah.
Dream puts on the Doe-Eyes of begging.
MISS DREAM
THEN AT LEST LET ME OUT!! I HAVE
NUBILE YOUNG MEN TO FIND AND
SEDUCE!!
Chibiusa gives her a high five.
CHIBIUSA
Rite on sista! Yah! Raprezent!!
Miss Dream recoils in shock.
MISS DREAM
DON'T TOUCH ME WITH THAT HAND, YOU
FREAK! I THINK I KNOW WHERE IT'S
BEEN! ARRGH!
Setsuna, who wasn't there a second ago, taps Dream on the
shoulder.
SETSUNA
Sorry, dear, but this is your new
home now.
Dream looks at her with panic in her eyes.
MICHIRU
(darkly)
Forever.
Dream gulps.
MISS DREAM
YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME! THIS
HELLHOLE?!
Haruka smiles darkly.
HARUKA
Miss Dream... welcome to the
nightmare... of our lives. Beer?
Haruka offers her a beer as Jedite appears in a haze of
really expensive CGI. Dream is so shellshocked she just
drinks the beer, spitting it out reflexively one second
later.
MISS DREAM
OH MY GOD, THIS TASTES LIKE PISS!!
Jedite chuckles.
JEDITE
Oh, I see you found the can Ten'ou
uses on long road trips.
MISS DREAM
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHH!
As Dream bends over, sticking her finger in her mouth, trying
to induce vomiting, Jedite tilts his head sideways and adopts
an "Oh, wait" expression.
JEDITE
My mistake. That's actually just
the lousy quality of her beer.
Dream just FREEZES in place, her mind on overload, unable to
take the hell she's enduring.
CUT TO:
43 INT. DREAMSCAPE - EVA BATTLEGROUND 43
The "End of Eva" scene starts to crack and crumble, falling
apart and blowing away like a windswept mosaic. What is left
is a glowing white void, in which two almost identical
figures-- and distantly, one embedded glaive-- stand.
One figure is Miss Dream, dressed in her hooker-like
clothing, and the other is Hotaru, who is in her new-style
modified Mistress 9 outfit. They both see the Silence Glaive
at the same time and dash for it. Dream, who is still
obviosuly suffering the aftereffects of her traumatic
experience, is too slow, and Hotaru seizes the glaive,
spinning it around deftly, transforming into Sailor Saturn.
SAILOR SATURN
So I see Haruka-poppa was finally
able to break your concentration.
It's good to see she can follow
directions on occasion.
MISS DREAM
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?!
CUT TO:
44 FLASHBACK - DREAMSCAPE - INT. CLEAN ROOM 44
The others appear in front of the doorway to the "Clean Room"
in flashes of light. The door is halfway open, and we can
already see a horrific sight. Xadium is knocked out, lying on
the ground, blood leaking from his mouth. The crazed Haruka
has her bloodied hands wrapped around Hotaru's neck, ready to
choke the life out of her. Hotaru's mouth moves as if
gasping for air. However, unlike the last time we saw this
scene, Hotaru's words can be heard.
HOTARU
Good... they're here. Now get her
to let you go, and then break her
concentration so I can act freely.
CUT TO:
45 DREAMSCAPE - INT. WHITE VOID 45
Dream fumes.
MISS DREAM
YOU LIVE WITH A BUNCH OF FREAKS AND
CRAZY PEOPLE!!
Saturn nods solemnly.
SAILOR SATURN
Yes, I do... but you see, that's
all right...
Saturn smiles.
SAILOR SATURN
Because they're my family.
Dream looks at her dully, not getting it. Saturn's features
harden.
SAILOR SATURN
BEGONE, FOUL STAIN UPON MY SOUL!
Running forward, holding her glaive to one side, Saturn
swoops past Dream, neatly slicing her in half lengthwise. As
Dream's body slides in two, Saturn spins around and reverses
the Glaive, swishing it around rapidly and carving Dream into
little chunks of meat.
As Dream finally dies, she splutters out her last words.
MISS DREAM
BITCH! YOU MAY.... WIN THE WAR...,
BUT YOU'LL NEVER.... LIVE THIS....
DOWN!
SAILOR SATURN
Live what down?
Saturn regards her quizzically as Dream fades away and Hotaru
begins the mad rush back to consciousness, but not before one
last thought of Dream's gets executed...
CUT TO:
46 REAL WORLD - INT. SUB. SENSHI LIVINGROOM 46
The voices and images are a blur, slowly resolving to
clarity. Tight shot on the blurry faces of the speakers, who
are hovering over Hotaru.
XADIUM
She's catatonic...
MICHIRU
Did it work?
JEDITE
Tomoe?
PULL BACK as Hotaru slings her arms around Jedite and gives
him a passionate kiss, shoving him down onto the couch.
The others look on in shock.
HARUKA
Oh my god, she's using tongue.
Hotaru slowly regains her senses, and violently shoves Jedite
away as she realizes what she's done. For her sanity's sake
she's not even processing what she's wearing.
HOTARU
ARRGH!
Jedite nods knowingly.
JEDITE
Tomoe, you're quite skilled for an
introverted quasi-nun.
Hotaru glares at him, violet eyes flashing with anger.
HOTARU
Mention this to *anyone* and I will
make you taste the sweet elixir of
death, Jedite.
Jedite chuckles and points behind Hotaru, who turns her head
to see Minako putting two fingers in her mouth and whistling,
Haruka giving a thumbs up and her father laughing insanely.
Hotaru sighs.
HOTARU
Ugh. How Juvenile.
She then smiles, glad to be teased by her family again.
HOTARU
It's good to be home.
Hotaru's smile turns into a scowl as she PUNCHES Jedite, who
was taking the opportunity to feel her up. Jedite laughs.
JEDITE
You're getting a little stronger,
you know that, Tomoe?
HOTARU
Don't get any ideas, Jedite!
Haruka chuckles.
HARUKA
Oh, I think he's got *all* kinds of
ideas now, 'Taru.
Minako turns to Setsuna.
MINAKO
Setsuna-san, I think Jedite's left
you...
Setsuna shrugs.
SETSUNA
Bah, I was only using him, anyway,
riling him up so he'd go to the
future and split up the King and
Queen that I might have my way with
Endymion.
Jedite gets off the couch and laughs.
JEDITE
A plan worthy of me, Pluto.
HARUKA
So uhh, how'd that ever work out
for you, anyways?
SETSUNA
We shattered Crystal Tokyo and left
it in ruin, the two lovers fleeing
to Neo-Argentina-- which reminds
me... I have much yet left to do.
Pluto vanishes.
MICHIRU
And she's gone again.
Cut to quick comedic still frame shots of Pluto using her BAK
to bean Ami, Rei and Makoto over the head, tie them up and
take them back to the shattered Crystal Tokyo, forcing them
to rebuild the city.
HARUKA
Heh, well at least we don't have to
worry about that punk Elios again.
Hotaru's face falls as she looks at her hands.
HOTARU
I... can't believe what I did to
him... my hands... are forever
stained with blood.
HARUKA
You get used to it, heh.
HOTARU
(quotes)
"Will all great Neptune's ocean
wash this blood Clean from my hand?
No, this my hand will rather The
multitudinous seas incarnadine,
Making the green one red."
HARUKA
Hey, I know you're feeling the
passions of youth, but don't be
getting any freaky notions about
Michi.
Michiru facepalms. Hotaru sighs.
HOTARU
It was a figure of speech, Haruka
poppa.
As they speak, rei.bot shows up, her left hand outstretched,
the Golden Crystal glimmering and glowing, hovering over it.
Everyone stares at it, transfixed.
HARUKA
Whoa!
CHIBIUSA
Sew dats were it wuz!
XADIUM
rei.bot must have been keeping it
safely away from Miss Dream!
rei.bot nods.
REI.BOT
death was but a door
within the crystal he slept
emerged to safety
Xadium nods, all the pieces finally falling into place in his
mind.
XADIUM
And that's why you were immune to
Miss Dream's influence... the
Golden Crystal's power over dreams
acted as a barrier...
MICHIRU
...And why you wouldn't interfere,
because you didn't want Miss Dream
to know where it was!
The crystal vanishes, with Elios appearing in a blast of
Golden light in the center of the room. Unlike before, he no
longer resembles the rough tough, "crude dude" Elios of
Suburban Senshi, but the soft-spoken, polite priest of
Elysion as seen in the SuperS season.
MINAKO
Wow! He looks just like he did when
we first met him!
Helios bows hesistantly.
ELIOS
He... Hello, everyone. It is...
good... to see you again.
Chibiusa looks like she's staring at an alien.
CHIBIUSA
Elioz, hoe cum ur nat wrapping?!
REI.BOT
houriki power
purification of vile
he is reborn now
Minako walks all around Elios, scrutinizing him as she speaks
to rei.bot.
MINAKO
You mean your powers as a miko
cleansed the Golden Crystal and
Elios!?
ELIOS
Yes, rei.bot-dono was very helpful
to me... by holding my Crystal as
long as she did, she cleansed...
Elios pauses, feeling something odd. He looks down.
ELIOS
Chibiusa, what are you doing?
Pull back to show Chibiusa clinging to his leg, humping it.
She then shoves him down to the ground. We Pan up a little to
only see the shocks reactions of the others, who are looking
down in something akin to horror as we hear, off-camera:
HELIOS (O.C.)
Chibiusa? I don't think that kind
of thing is appropriate! Chibiusa!
I'm a priest! Chibiusa... no! Oh,
Chibiusa!
Without taking her eyes off the scene, Minako covers Xadium's
eyes.
HARUKA
Anybody got popcorn?
Pluto appears next to everyone, looking at them curiously,
then following their gaze down to see what they are staring
at. She facefaults.
SAILOR PLUTO
Small Lady. This isn't the time!
The two of you are coming back to
the future with me, to Crystal
Tokyo II, where you will assume the
reigns of power as the new royal
couple and install me as regent
protector of the realm.
CHIBIUSA (O.C)
fak u bich, we're hamping!
SAILOR PLUTO
You can come back and do that
later! I need to install myself as
caretaker of the King, now that his
wife has had her... mental
breakdown and has been relegated to
the Crystal Tokyo Padded Cell.
Chibiusa leaps into shot, mercifully pulling her shirt back
on.
CHIBIUSA
Fak U! Ur nat gatting may luvr!!1
Elios gets up, all disheveled.
ELIOS
But... Chibiusa... aren't *we*...
lovers now...?
Chibiusa waves her hand dismissively.
CHIBIUSA
Ur jast man meet, bich! Ur new
mitch 4 mai bag daddy!
Elios wails and sobs.
CHIBIUSA
I'll B bak, biches!
She waves and vanishes with Pluto and Elios.
HARUKA
Well it looks like that's over
with, thank goodness.
Artemis hops on the couch, into Michiru's lap. She pets him.
ARTEMIS
You know, I'd never been killed
before. It was a strange
experience.
MICHIRU
We've been through a lot, haven't
we.
Haruka nods.
HARUKA
Man, I've been killed before. It
sucks. I hope our fucking
obligatory dramatic fucking death
quota's been fulfilled now.
MINAKO
(whispers to Xadium)
Oh I dunno, I wouldn't mind dying a
dramatic death while--
She giggles. Xadium turns red.
MINAKO
X-chan, promise to be more bold for
me? So this doesn't happen again?
They share a passionate kiss.
XADIUM
I do, dear.
HARUKA
Aww... Michi, come here, let me
extract a similar promise from your
lips.
MICHIRU
Dream on, you slob. Go clean your
room, and do something about that
stench!
HARUKA
Stench?
Haruka checks her armpits as Michiru points to the upstairs
adamantly.
MICHIRU
NOW, YOU UNCOUTH, MORONIC BUFFOON!
HARUKA
Right, right!
Haruka salutes. The two of them share a quick, loving glance
that you'd miss if you blinked. (Such is the subtletly of
their interaction) Hotaru does not miss it, while some of the
others do.
HOTARU
You know, I've been thinking.
Perhaps my existence has been a bit
too barren... Maybe I *should* try
to pursue something of a social
life.
JEDITE
Oh really, Tomoe?
HOTARU
(dimly)
Not with you, Jedite.
JEDITE
The lady doth protest too much,
methinks.
Jedite vanishes in a haze of exorbitantly expensive CGI.
HOTARU
Not hardly enough, I daresay.
XADIUM
A social life, eh? I know it's
hard, Hotaru, but it does have its
benefits.
Xadium hugs Minako close to him by the waist as she smiles.
MINAKO
Right!! And your sempai will be
right here to help you every step
of the way, from clothing advice to
dating tips to flower arrangements
for the wedding!!
Minako flashes the "V" sign to Hotaru, who laughs nervously.
MINAKO
But first we've got to get you
signed up to some matchmaking
services and make up your love-love
profile and...
Hotaru sighs as the others laugh.
HOTARU
What have I gotten myself into?
Soundtrack: Upbeat, finale-type, "All is right with the
world" music.
CUT TO:
47 EXT. TENNOU'ZU ISLE - MUGEN ACADEMY II - DAY 47
Aerial shot of a news conference, going on in front of the
skyscraper, which looks just like the old Mugen. In
voiceover, we hear a TV announcer, who is narrating events.
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And today, the mayor of Tokyo
participated in the ribbon cutting
ceremony for the brand new Mugen
Academy, a comprehensive pre-school
to University level educational
institution for Tokyo's most elite
students, as reconstructed by the
world-famous scientist, Dr. Souichi
Tomoe, head of Tomoe Research
Laboratories.
PUSH IN as Tomoe cuts the ribbon with a huge pair of
scissors)
PROF. TOMOE
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
My, he's excited about education,
isn't he!
Blurry, fast Zoom up to the top of the roof, where the Catman
looks out over the city, proudly, his cape flapping in the
wind.
CUT TO:
48 BLACK SCREEN. 48
Letters start appearing onscreen.
[18:34] <// J_Daito //> You still haven't paid me that money
you owed me, bastard
[18:34] <--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> I told you, I'm a little short
this week.
[18:34] <// J_Daito //> You say that every week! You just
bought a new Ferrari today.
[18:35] <--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Michi got it for me
[18:35] <// J_Daito //> Must be nice, being a kept woman
[18:35] <--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> STFU. So how goes shit with
Hotaru?
[18:35] <// J_Daito //> She pretends to resist my virile
charms. But they all want the Maxx Power. It's only a matter
of time. What the hell is that banging noise upstairs?
[18:36] <--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Chibi-chan's back from the
future chasing Elios around the house
[18:37] <// J_Daito //>Some things never change, do they
[18:37] <--=[ SpeedRcrX ]=--> Nope
[18:37] <// J_Daito //> So where's my money
[18:38] *** --=[ SpeedRcrX ]=-- [THaruka@FXL.blaze.co.jp] has
left #suburbansenshi (Faster than Light Speed)
[18:38] <// J_Daito //> Dammit.
SUBTITLE: SUBURBAN SENSHI- 1 CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS - 0
29 TITLE CARD: DIRECTED BY DOCTOR XADIUM 29
30 ROLL CREDITS 30
31 SPECIAL THANKS TO FURU FOR HELP WITH THE DOMESTIC HELL. 31