MiST: PGSM Special Act
December 06th, 2004
December 06th, 2004
Pretty Guardian Sailormoon has finally officially come to an end (Act 0 notwithstanding), and what an ignominious end it was (this coming from someone who liked much of the series).
Thus, when this... "special" (and oh is it ever "special") act came out, we here at Suburban Senshi knew that, like, like ancient Greece in the time of Xena, the people were crying out,
not for a hero... but a MiST. So without further ado, the Suburban Senshi will take it upon themselves to review / skewer this sad excuse for a finale.
Reviewing this act will be:
Ten'ou Haruka - hates PGSM due to not being included, even though she now considers that a boon.
Tomoe Hotaru - has a neutral opinion of PGSM, considers it an interesting exploration of alternate canon.
Aino Minako - doesn't like what happened to her character in PGSM, but likes how they're making up for it here.
Jedite - Considers his characters' fate in the last regular act of PGSM to be anti-Jedite propaganda (and no, he won't spell his name the way THEY want you to)
Artemis - Hates PGSM for turning his wife into a pedo plush, and hates them for driving her to this because he can no longer legally satisfy his conjugal vows.
rei.bot - the artificial life form based off of PGSM's Kitagawa Keiko, who speaks only in Haiku, and has a neutral view of the show. She hates the anime Hino Rei.
Haruka: OK, it's time for the special act. Which I don't see how special it can be, considering I'm not in it. Arty, you do the synopsizing thing.
Artemis: The special act starts with everybody looking at the TV, which is a shockingly western-style set.
Haruka: You mean big and clunky?
Minako: Yeah because in the future retro is cool!
Artemis: We see Usagi "cooking"in the kitchen.
Hotaru: Doesn't that violate some kind of chemical or biological weapons treaty?
Haruka: Probably all of them, heh.
Artemis: we start getting flashbacks of what the other senshi are doing. For example, Ami is a now a doctor. We see her coming out of the ER....
Hotaru: ...in a full biohazard suit.
Haruka: What the hell was she operating on, the alien autopsy?
Minako: Maybe she had to stomach pump a victim of Usagi's cooking...
Artemis: Usagi tells us that Ami might be the youngest Doctor in history.
Minako: Wait, how old is she now, five years from the end of the series??
Haruka: Probably 18 or 19...
Minako: So Doogie Howitzer has her beat...
Artemis: "Howser", and he wasn't real.
Minako: What?! But I was in his fan club!!
Artemis: You WERE his fan club, Mina.
Haruka: Well Doogie sure as hell couldn't do the Engrish Ami just did!
Jedite: "Confrabulashuns on da success of your operashum"
Hotaru: This Ami obviously was not as diligent in her study. And what's this the doctor says in reply? "Thank you for your advice, but let's keep it between you and me?"
Jedite: Ahh, the lingering scent of malpractice in the air...
Artemis: Anyway, while Usagi's talking, Ikuko and Luna are hanging around, doing strange synchronized yawning, eating and TV-watching things. Luna...
Minako: Artemis, hang in there...
Haruka: OK someone tell me why she just takes this weirdass blue-haired kid running around her house and eating her food in stride?
Jedite: She lives with *Usagi* for a daughter, compared to her the hyperactive child with a tail is an *improvement*.
Artemis: After seeing what Usagi cooked (we'd have a picture but it would make you lose your lunch), Ikuko and Luna... Luna... the tiny girl who used to be my wife... (sobs)
Haruka: Catman's breaking...
(Artemis wails)
Minako: (grabs the mic) Luna and Ikuko-mama decide it would be better to get Mamoru-san to learn to eat Usagi-chan's cooking than it would be to teach Usagi to cook well!!
Artemis: It's a decision we all made many years ago with you, Mina!
Minako: Hey! If it boils, I can cook it!!
Haruka: It's better than Michi, that's for damn sure...
Minako: Anyway, Usagi-chan keeps talking about what the others are doing!! They show Rei-chan sharpening her skills in the mountains of Kyoto!!
rei.bot: ...
Haruka: Heh. nice black Hakama she's wearing.
rei.bot:
the black Hakama
worn not as miko but as
visiting student
Haruka: So she went up to the mountains... to learn how to make a mighty ofuda which has the power to... light candles.
Jedite: That Hino Rei is a pyromaniac menace.
rei.bot: (decides not to kill you today, Jedite)
Artemis: Still smarting over getting fried to a crisp in the manga, huh?
Jedite: Don't you have an underaged plush wife to cry over, cat?
Artemis: I hate you so much, Jedite.
rei.bot:
hino rei's presence
toei's kitagawa tease
hypocritical
Haruka: Yeah, LOL we see her getting all badass and powerful, and then... well we'll get there when we get there, heh.
Hotaru: I don't think, considering the overall production values of this OAV, that the budget could have handled a full fifth senshi in the plot.
Haruka: WHAT PLOT?! Oh wait, we get ahead of ourselves.
Minako: Artemis. stop crying over that picture of Luna and move this along!!
Artemis: You're so cold, Mina... so cold. Anyway, Usagi keeps blabbing about rei for a bit then goes on to Minako, but we don't need to hear about that because Mina's NOT IMPORTANT
Minako: Moh!! For the record, I was shown to be a mega-star getting an award in London! Which is no surprise!!
Hotaru: Wait. Wasn't Minako-sempai killed in the series? Shouldn't she still have a fatal disease?
Haruka: You don't want to know how deep this plot hole goes, 'Taru.
Minako: It takes more than a fatal disease to kill Aino Minako!!
Haruka: Uhh, yeah.
Artemis: Usagi then starts talking about Makoto, who's on the phone in her plant-filled apartment. She's, according to the narration, working hard to realize her dreams in flower arranging.
Haruka: Arrange for flowers to be sold for way too much money? Why the hell do roses cost so much, anyway?
Jedite: What do you care, you just spend Kaioh's money to buy the roses for her.
Haruka: She cut me off. So now I have budgets to deal with and crap.
Minako: Just steal them from Mamoru-san like I do, it's much cheaper.
Haruka: I don't hang out with him. I'm more of a man than Mamoru and that's saying a whole hell of a lot.
Artemis: I'm sorry guys, I can't keep up this synopsizing thing, talking about Luna's hurt me too much.
Haruka: It doesn't matter, Arty, it's not like plot's really integral to this particular outing of PSGM
Minako: So we'll just hit the highlights?
Hotaru: (dryly) the only "highlights" in this OAV are those in Ikuko-mama's hair.
Haruka: So here we see Mako-chan's future career, where she sits around doodling while on the phone to important clientele.
Minako: Isn't that what Michiru-san does??
Haruka: She's an *artist*, it's her job to make doodles.
Hotaru: Hideously overpriced doodles.
Haruka: Hey, they keep me in Yebisu and Duff, I'm not complaining.
Minako: I'm surprised Mako-chan thinks that kind of a floral arrangement will impress anyone...
Haruka: I think I hear Salvador Dali spinning around in his grave at 9600 RPM.
Minako: You know about artists, Haruka-san?
Haruka: It was in the magazines on fine art I used to read as a child.
Hotaru: Which you only got for the pictures of the nudes, I believe you once said.
Haruka: In that picture... all the flowers are nude.
Hotaru: (groans)
Haruka: Nothing says "BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR MOON" like watching Moon yak it up for hours on a fancy new keitai.
Minako: That thing has a glowing light that changes intensity when she speaks!! It's like KITT!! Artemis, I want one!!
Artemis: That's not a special item like the henshin Keitai you made me produce for you!
Minako: So what, you can only produce magic items??
Haruka: Artemis can only produce licensed Bandai Visual toys from his ass. It's part of the new agreement with the powers that be.
Hotaru: Ugh, Haruka-poppa, did you have to bring that up?
Haruka: What, they new licensing agreement from Bandai Visual?
Artemis: No, the fact that I produce magicial items from... there.
Minako: Well it's true!! Don't make me dig out the manga pictures to prove it!!
Artemis: Mina, I have my pride!!
Minako: And I have to use sterilizing alcohol every time I get a new item from you... not that that's been in a while!!
Hotaru: How did this discussion degenerate from a MiST of PGSM special act to what emerges from Artemis'... posterior regions?
Haruka: Because PGSM special act seems to have emerged from there as well, as we shall see.
Hotaru: ...
Haruka: Anyways, for those who care about the "plot", at about this point the flashbacks to what people were doing in the PGSM future kinda stop, and Usagi and Mamoru have a dumb argument over the most ridiculous thing, and the wedding is called off.
Minako: Usagi-chan and Mamoru-san arguing over a stupid thing?? Shock!! Not.
Artemis: Yeah, Maybe Mamo was told to break off the wedding by his *dream* ::rollseyes::
Jedite: Or maybe he was brainwashed by a villain of the week.
Haruka: No, that comes later.
Jedite: How I ever consented to work for that man I'll never know.
Haruka: You did it so you could stab him in the back for kicks, Jed.
Jedite: Oh yes. Heh.
Haruka: So basically in this OVA, Mamoru is his dubmass unromantic anime self who doesn't understand why girls go nuts for weddings.
Minako: You'd think after hanging up with the five of us he'd understand a good bridal fantasy...
Artemis: Hanging "out", and is there something you're implying, Mina?
Minako: Don't be ecchi, Artemis!! Or do I have to remind you about your plush wife and Teddy Ruxpin?!
Artemis: YOU JUST DID! GAHHHHHHHH!!
Haruka: Speaking of Artemis' illegal half, she gets the clever idea to summon the long dead Queen Serenity to bitch about the wedding plans.
Hotaru: So why, when the tensions with the Dark Kingdom were at their peak, was she not summoned before?
Haruka: Because someone read the manga and realized that "OMG!!!111 shes alive in a computar!!1"
Minako: To think I was taking orders from her all the time Artemis and I were working alone...
Haruka: I've yelled it before and I'll yell it again: WHERE ARE THE ODANGO?!
Jedite: The live-action family of the moon all have rather underdeveloped Odango, if you ask me.
Hotaru: Chauvinist.
Jedite: What?! The trademark of Sailor Moon is her large odango! Without her large odango, what is there to make her distinct?!
Haruka: Odango ain't everything, Jed.
Jedite: Stop trying to defend womankind, she-who-dresses-like-a-man-down-to-her-SPEEDO
Haruka: Don't mention the speedo in public, punk!
Artemis: So can we please get back to the MiST?
Minako: Here we see Luna and Micro-Serenity-sama...
Artemis: LUUUUUUUUUUUUNA!!! (sobs)
Minako: Yare, yare.
Haruka: LOL it's the Micromachines / Matchbox die cast version of Serenity.
Jedite: Didn't I see her and her twin cavorting on Monster Island in hula girl outfits?
Minako: (sings) Mosura ya Mosura / dongan kasakuyan indoo muu / osuto uiraadoa, hanba hanbamuyan...
Haruka: It so scares me that you knwo that song, Neko-chan.
Jedite: Luna, I know that she's a small, moving thing, that fascinates you, but try not to eat your dead glowing queen.
Haruka: Hah that's why she never showed up before, Luna kept swallowing her!
Artemis: LUUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAA!
Minako: (hands Artemis a handkerchief) Blow.
Haruka: So anyhow, Queen Hula girl tells Luna that in addition to the whole marriage thing going south (and not in the ecchi way you'd want it to, being married), there's some evil forming.
Hotaru: Granted, this is true. The evil known as the increasingly downward spiral of this OAV.
Haruka: So girl Luna goes to investigate, and runs into our friendly neighborhood miko, who's dressed to the nines.
rei.bot:
technique is stolen
my suburban senshi style
rapid outfit change
Haruka: Oh yeah, when was the first time you did that, rei.bot?
rei.bot: 8/01/04: [quotes the incident]
[23:55] * @spiritflame rips off her robes!
[23:55] * @spiritflame is wearing a full princess dress
[23:56] * @spiritflame unveils one of her other powers
[23:57] * @spiritflame RIPS off her princess dress.... revealing her robes once again
rei.bot: (ACTIVATES TOTALLY DELUDED SELF-IMPORTANCE MODE FOR THE SUBURBAN SENSHI)
Hotaru: Heh, and it's something you've done about 30 times since, by my estimation. Ironic, that she who was modeled after Kitagawa, is now being modeled after.
Haruka: Man, we've always suspected them of lifting ideas from fics, like Neko's disease (that was in a fic someone wrote where she got ill because of chemical exposure during the warehouse explosion at the end of her Sailor V days in the anime), but now we have the SMOKING DRESS!
Minako: Like Lewinsky's??
Artemis: Gross, Mina!
Haruka: Not that kind of a dress. Check out this flash of the event (scale down your browser, because otherwise it'll run large and slow:)
Minako: So how did she fit the hakama under her business skirt??
Haruka: Must have been one of the "skills" she picked up in Kyoto...
Jedite: Or a visit to Suburban Senshi IRC chat... heh.
rei.bot: (RIPS OFF her robes to reveal... the white and black robes rei was wearing a few shots back)
Minako: The turnabout is fairly played!!
Artemis: I'm not even going to bother.
Haruka: Anyway, remember how Rei was all training to be badass? Well, all her mad candle-lighting skillz didn't do CRAP, because, lo and behold, the evil emerges anyway, and it is:
Hotaru: The Dead Moon Circus?!
Haruka: No, but Zirconia is suing for copyright infringement and general humiliation.
Minako: The clown drivers from Twisted Metal!?
Haruka: No, but Sony is suing too.
Artemis: So after a full year of battling dangerous youma....
Jedite: Beyl's last line of defense has finally been unearthed.
Haruka: I always said you Shitennou were clowns.
Jedite: Quiet, crossdresser no Senshi.
Haruka: And our villian for the OAV is:
Minako: How is she still alive?
Artemis: The plot demanded it?
Hotaru: More like the plot screamed and wailed in mortal agony as this was forced upon it.
Haruka: Man, they've got some trippy Prince-1999 style BGM going on behind her, and the scary thing is IT FITS.
Jedite: Well 80's style music would go well with the whole "lingerie in public" dress style.
Haruka: As a child of the 80's I so disavow that whole decade.
Minako: That BGM reminds me of Ikari Gendo and SEELE's plan to destroy the world with a song in the "ReDeath" parody video...
Haruka: Well my mind's rotting already. Kuroki Mio makes my want to "Ku roke" [croak] and die.
Minako: They put her EYE OUT?!
Jedite: Looks like Hino was the first to fall to the overwhelming stupidity attack of the plot.
Haruka: Akuryo Taisan THAT, punk!
rei.bot: (glares at Haruka)
Haruka: What, I thought you hated Hino Rei.
rei.bot:
spirit of the flame
none of the reis would ever
go out like a bitch
Haruka: Whoa, miko-san said "bitch"
Artemis: You know the other girls just beat her up because Kitagawa OWNS any scene she's in.
Minako: Either that or she did what I'd do when manager would give me a crappy script, and she played sick or scheduled a photo shoot to get out of most of it.
Artemis: Mina, don't admit that...
Haruka: Heh, no, it's part of her clever plan to chew scenery later. You'll see.
Hotaru: Frankly. Kitagawa and Miyuu are the only ones with enough skill TO chew the scenery properly.
Minako: I dunno, I thought Azama made a good Mako-chan... and Komatsu-san got REAL good as me in this OAV...
Haruka: ONLY BECAUSE YOU WENT KILL BILL ON THEM FOR KILLING HER OFF BEFORE
Minako: Hey it GOT RESULTS, OK?! I ASKED FOR AN OAV AND I *GOT* ONE! PLUS THEY MAD ME A BADASS IN THIS SHOW!
Haruka: Holy sh*t... that IS TRUE!! YOU DO READ US, DON'T YOU?! ADMIT IT!! ADDDMIT ITTT!!!!
Hotaru: Poor Azama, her character was barely developed in the series... but she had the most (outside of rei) "authentic" representation of the character, I felt. I felt like I WAS watching Makoto.
Haruka: Anyway, so Rei lies in bed chilling and thanking Kami-sama AND Dende-sama she's not in this stinker of a plot, while the clowns ravage Tokyo seeking energy for Mio's Dork... I mean "Dark" Kingdom.
Hotaru: And of course, we see the human face of tragedy once more:
Haruka: Hey. How many TIMES over the course of this show HAS that kid lost her mother, anyway?!
Jedite: Don't be fooled by the weepy waily act, she keeps trying to kill of her mother by shoving her in the Youma's path so as to collect the insurance money, but the senshi keep interfering.
Hotaru: Well not this time, because there ARE no Senshi. Because the Ginzuishou broke in the series finale, and so their powers died... Right.
Minako: It's like that SuperS movie where supposedly our powers are tied to Usagi's... which is ridiculous. We get our powers from our own planets and Sailor Crystals, thanks!!
Hotaru: Honestly. If you read the manga, you'd see my power is equal and opposite to Serenity's. Our wellspring of power is totally different from hers... indeed, she borrows OUR power from time to time. How can she do that if we supposedly take power from her?!
Haruka: DON'T QUESTION THE PLOT HOLE!
Jedite: Where was Takeuchi in all this? Where was the pride of worksmanship? I mean people PAID FOR THIS. Not that I mind, being an evil Dark General who likes to lie, cheat and steal, but...
Haruka: Heh, it doesn't matter, because who needs the senshi, when we have:
Minako: DA-DAH-Da-DAH-DA-Da-DAH-DAA-DAA-DAH!!!
Hotaru: I have to admit, it is good to see the Tuxedo Mask again... cross-eyed though he may be.
Haruka: Yeah, the Endy outfit was totally gay.
(everyone looks at Haruka)
Haruka: HEY *I* CAN SAY THAT WORD.
Hotaru: Point.
Artemis: Actually, the white outfit was seen in the Sailor Moon anime...
Haruka: WHERE. I DARE YOU TO SHOW ME.
Artemis: SMR Opening.
Haruka: Why she'd want to see THAT right now is beyond me (referring to the lyrics onscreen)
Artemis: (usagi) "Ooh, your new tunic is SO cheap-looking! If I touch it, will it fall apart?"
Minako: That Usagi-chan is just blinded by the fact a man likes her, as opposed to this Usagi-chan, who, unable to fight the clows as Sailor Moon, picks up this deadly weapon...
Haruka: You know PSGM's budget is totally gone when that is the new moon stick.
Hotaru: Now every child can finally afford to have one.
Minako: MOOOOON PRINCESS... MAKE YOU DIE OF LAUGHTER ATTACKU!!
Artemis: The Rabbit in the Moon pounds Mochi... with a STICK.
rei.bot:
the stick in her hand
used for poking out rei's eye
miyuu is so blatant
Haruka: THE BLOODY STUMP! ERR GLOVE! ERR, TWIG!
Minako: So after Usagi-chan took out rei-chan the alarm goes out to the other girls, and they decide to make their way to Japan...
Hotaru: As we see in this scene, Ami-san, who is in America, has found the secret portal to Japan, screaming out to the doctor, who informs ther that the Operating room is "this way", that "THIS IS TEH WHEY TO JAPAN!"
Jedite: Obviously using the same portal that let that american soldier take a TRAIN to England from Grand Central station in New York.
Haruka: "Asahi: The Way to Japan" [Parody of the "Asahi: The Shoes of Japan" ad that ran duting PGSM]
Artemis: So... she left a patient to die on the operating table?
Minako: We call it the plot.
Haruka: Hey, that's right, that gaijin doctor will be USELESS WITHOUT HER! HOW WILL THE ALIEN AUTOPSY CONTINUE?
Jedite: Anyway, during the time Mizuno is running to Japan FROM AMERICA, Tsukino and Endorkion manage to get caught my Mio, who has a simple fate planned for the "King of the Earth."
Haruka: Ahh, some "tab A in slot B" action... rrrowr
Hotaru: I always said Kuroki Mio was a bit of a 2-dimensional villain, but this is ridiculous.
Minako: Just proving the woman has no standards.
Artemis: You're just jealous that she took some of your recording contracts.
Haruka: Hey Neko, how come you're not rich?
Minako: Manager-san stole all my cash, I think he's living in Bermuda somewhere.
Jedite: Which is where I bet the Shitennou wish they were.
Haruka: She's talking to her damn... plush... DOG.
Hotaru: This whole series seems to be about plushie empowerment...
Artemis: DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT PLUSHIES!!! LUUUUUUUUUUUNA!!!!
Jedite: Prozac for the cat, stat.
Haruka: So Jed, was Beryl this whack? I mean having strategy conferences with a toy while you guys were standing around?
Jedite: She was only marginally better, running her hands over a shiny bowling ball and pretending it gave her insights into the universe.
Minako: I bet this is the exact process the writers used to come up with this plot and story...
Haruka: THE DOG IS THE TRUE ENEMY OF SIALORMOON!
Artemis: Anyway, what little there is of the story continues. Since the Senshi can't transform, Micro Queen Serenity tells Makoto and Luna to seek a sword called the "Spirit of the Senshi" which will enable them to gregain their powers one more time and crush the enemy.
Haruka: Ney, Neko... don't you have a sword like that, made out of Ginzuishou crystal with a venomous blade?
Artemis: She used it to skewer Beryl... now it props up her bookshelf.
Minako: GAH! They replaced the Holy Sword with a cheap Taiwanese knockoff!!
Hotaru: What is it with people and their need to stick swords into things...
Jedite: When I was little I used to stick my sword into everything until one day it broke... such a painful memory...
Haruka: Jed, I don't want to know where you stuck your sword, OK?
Artemis: While Usagi and Mamoru are bickering and planning their escape, Ami arrives in Japan in a taxi, which runs into the killer clowns, who scare off the driver. So Ami decides to steal the car and run past the clowns.
Haruka: Right. She doesn't run them OVER, which you might think about doing. She runs AROUND them, because of course Ami-chan is always polite.
Minako: I bet Haruka-san wishes she were in that scene...
Haruka: There would have been some flatass clowns, let me tell you.
Artemis: Anyway, this scene ends with Ami having dodged the clowns, only to be confronted by one of the two youma of the day. We don't see what happens between them.
Jedite: That's because they have hot relations! Intellectual relations, of course.
Minako: Meanwhile, Minako-chan is in London trying to get to the airport...
Haruka: Hahaha stupid Neko doesn't knwow the secret of the WAY TO JAPAN
Minako: :P
Minako: Anyway, she gets confronted by this guy!!
Haruka: Now I have to give them props. This Mofo had MOVES. If his swords weren't so crap, I'd've been scared to tangle with this punk.
Artemis: It's so sad. Of ALL the villains in the whole show, this one no-name clown had, bar none, the BEST screen presence.
Hotaru: That's not hard when you're going up against a bunch of tumbling clowns, a lingerie wearing maw with feet and a plush puppy, not to mention two reject monsters from Ultraman.
Artemis: Granted.
Artemis: Of course, Minako, being herself for what's probably the first time in the whole series, just does what she does best, and with one kick...
Minako: SCORE!!
Haruka: Damn, Neko... damn. That there is the aftermath of a SWEET doubletake in which Neko PLANTS the mofo through the column with one swift kick. Then she just WALKS through the rest of the clowns like "you wanna piece of me?!"
Hotaru: They parted like the Red Sea for Moses..
Artemis: I suppose Mina's temper tantrum over her treatment in the regular series got felt all the way over in Japan, because they made her TOUGH.
Haruka: HARD. Tough as me in her leather jacket and cool moves. Come to think of it, they stole a lot of me and gave it to Neko.
Minako: Hey! I'm the leader of the inner senshi, and I have more experience, I should be tough!!
Artemis: Yeah, they made her steorng like you, and pig-headed, and stubborn, and unwilling to understand SIMPLE IDEAS like working together..
Minako: Yea... HEY!
Haruka: AT LEAST MY WIFE'S NOT A PLUSHIE
Artemis: Hate you.
Hotaru: Getting this back on track, Minako-sempai runs into an Ultraman reject monster of the day as well. And again, we don't see the outcome.
Haruka: AMI and NEKO's fight, only on the SE VERSION of the DVD, available this June!
Jedite: I want the version of the DVD where the plot doesn't suck.
Haruka: That don't come out till next neverday. Anyway, we cut back to the mountaintop where the sword is located, and Makoto and Luna are battling more clowns to get to it.
Hotaru: Because of course a sword has been sitting on a publically accessible hill for 10,000 years in an earthquake zone and it has never fallen down or been blasted out of the ground by greedy individuals.
Haruka: Hey, It's a kind of magic.
Artemis: The stupid kind.
Hotaru: "And they looked from Luna to clown, and clown to Luna, and no one could tell the difference."
Artemis: 10 quatloos to whoever gets the obscure literary reference.*
* - this is not an offer.
Jedite: YES CLOWNS CRUSH HER
Artemis: Hey that's my... wife... you're... talking... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Haruka: Be glad Diana was born before this "change of life" LOL
Artemis: It's NOT FUNNY!!
Jedite: Hey crushing her to death would have made the movie well worth the price.
Haruka: God, if I had imported this thing I'd feel SO jipped right now...
Minako: They better not foul up my OAV... I WILL BE PAYING ATTENTION!!
Haruka: LOL if it was done anything like this, it will be filmed in an old warehouse filled with christmas decorations and the villain will be The Artist formerly known as Ponce who plays 70's discofunk BGM as he plots to make a MAN out of Artemis, taking orders from a talking Parakeet who only says "Funk Soul Brotha."
Minako: ...
Hotaru: The plot, such as it is, rolls on, as the battle rages on for the sword. Luna and Makoto finally make their way to the sword, but can't make it work, since all four senshi are not present.
Haruka: No, it's because the sword is a PIECE OF PLASTIC CRAP (that you can now buy for 5000 yen).
Minako: I pre-ordered mine two YEARS ago!!
Artemis: (sigh) such an Otaku.
Minako: Shush! It'll be worth millions some day!! Just like all my Jar-Jar Blinks toys!!
Artemis: "Binks", and no it won't. Even if you had the last "Sprit of the Senshi" on EARTH it will never appreciate in value.
Hotaru: "Spirit of the Senshi", NEW! From the Franklin mint.
Haruka: Anyway, back to the story, tired to taking sass from her "man" (and I use the term loosely), Mio goes where everyone has gone before:
Jedite: Shibby, welcome to your anime hell. Your brain, such as it isn't, is once again washed clean and free.
Minako: Mamoru-san must have the cleanest brain in the universe...
Hotaru: It's so clean, it's frictionless... no thoughts can take root.
Artemis: Now now, if we can't say anything nice about Mamoru, we shouldn't say anything at all.
Jedite: ...
Haruka: ...
Hotaru: ...
Minako: ...
Artemis: rei.bot? Surely you, a miko, has something good to say about Chiba Mamoru?
rei.bot:
mask of tuxedo
dapper suave style and action
all talk and no walk
Artemis: ...
Haruka: Anyways, Makoto-chan and Luna are about to be pummeled by the killer clowns, when one of their number goes rabid and kills them all with fire extinguisher foam
Minako: The sad thing is, you think Haruka-san's joking... but she's not.
Artemis: It really happened.
Haruka: Yup.
Hotaru: Of course this renegade clown turns out to be:
Haruka: Hama Chisaki!
Minako: Hungry Hungry Hama-san!
Artemis: Now now, everyone... "Rika."
Hotaru: You realize, of course, she probably decapaitated the clown, scooped out its innards and enjoyed a delicious meal, whereupon she donned its skin like a "clown-suit".
Haruka: Or she just ripped off the clown's clothes and put on the clown suit the clown was wearing.
Hotaru: Must you destroy even my FEEBLEST attempts at humour, Haruka-poppa?!
Haruka: Yes, yes I must.
Minako: Then like the ROAD RAGE WARRIOR, Minako-chan shows up and runs down all the clowns with her bike, saving the day!!
Artemis: "Road Warrior". Oh wait, I've seen you on a bike. Nevermind.
Minako: Grr.
Haruka: THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY SCENE, I"M THE BADASS BIKER CHICK
Jedite: Ten'ou, hearing you describe yourself that way is so wrong. On so many levels.
Artemis: Anyway, with Mina there, the four senshi are finally reunited and ready to pull the sword out of the stone!!
Hotaru: What of Rei-san?
Artemis: I SAID THE FOUR SENSHI ARE REUNITED AND THEY ARE READY!
Hotaru: Rei's token scene #2
rei.bot:
for once i salute
kitagawa credits me
give her the oscar
Haruka: Even here, she steals the whole damn show, emoting more than 9/10ths of the others.
Minako: Minako-chan was a badass!
Haruka: Will you stop talking about yourself in the third person, it's annoying!
Minako: Not me, even though I am too, the other Minako-chan!!
Hotaru: Being "badass" is not emoting.
Haruka: Hey, Clint Eastwood made a pretty damn fine career out of it.
Jedite: Anyway, yes, Kitagawa puts them all to shame once again, which is of course why she is left OUT of the film for the most part. Par for the course with this production.
Haruka: Hey. If she was there the already gaping FLAWS in this three-day production would have been EXPLODED at the scenes. She'd be there with all kinds of Gravitas and sh*t, and the rest of them would be mailing in their performances while watching Mio's gaping maw-grin split her head in two, the top falling off. Kitagawa's too powerful man. They HAD to cut her out. For the good of the many who would otherwise be relegated to chump loser status in her light.
Minako: A fan much, Haruka-san? (notes that SOMEONE needs to UPDATE his fan site on Kitagawa-san already... :P)
Haruka: Hey, it's true. Her little hand-shaking "reach for the others" scene was 10 billion times better than "DIS IS DA WHEY TO JAPON"
Artemis: "Suburban Senshi: This is the Way to Japan"
Haruka: Heh, gotta remember that one.
Hotaru: So anyhow, it seems that the requirement for having all four senshi present is lifted, as all of a sudden with only three there, the sword can be removed from the stone.
Artemis: ALL FOUR WERE THERE! REI'S HEART WAS THERE!!
Haruka: Then why the hell wasn't it there BEFORE when Makoto almost got killed trying to pull the thing out of the rock?! Why is it only there now?!
Artemis: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Hotaru: And in a scene straight out of Highlander 2, the Senshi are reborn by the power of the Quickening.
Haruka: Ramierez: "I'm rather glad the magic worked."
Minako: Ne, Luna used her henshin keitai to become Sailor Luna, right? Why can't the other girls do that?
Jedite: By Metallia, can you imagine FIVE Sailor Lunas? They'd be a Sentai team so INDESCRIBABLY CUTESY the enemy would just DIE
Minako: I meant to become Sailor Senshi...
Haruka: Because Luna put the other phones back up her a$$ when the show ended and no one will get them out again for fear of cat e.coli.
Artemis: YOU PEOPLE! ONCE AN ITEM COMES OUT IT CAN'T GO BACK IN!
Jedite: I bet Toei forced the girls to sell off the units to squeeze every last dime from the show. Which doesn't explain why this last episode still looks like it was filmed on a budget of five dollars.
Minako: Somewhere, five lucky girls who thought they were buying Sailor Moon toys transform... for real. Thus creating the new legend of the "Pretty Guardians".
Haruka: WE KNOW YOU SAW THAT TOEI, IF YOU USE IT WE WANT A CREDIT. OR I WILL RUN YOU OVER WITH MY FERRARI AND THEN MY YAMAHA.
Hotaru: You're going to run over Toei.
Haruka: Yup.
Hotaru: All of it.
Haruka: Uh-huh.
Hotaru: With your car.
Haruka: And then my bike, yeah.
Jedite: Careful, they own Son Goku and he will gladly smash your ass flat for a bowl of rice and some Mr. Popo's Tasty Ramen.
Haruka: Crap. Forgot about that. DAMN YOU, TOEI! DAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOOOU!
Hotaru: Anyway, by now, with the senshi supposedly revived, you would expect that they would transform and rush in to battle Mio on her own ground. But that would be wrong, because you are using logic, and logic has no sway here.
Haruka: Yeah, Mamoru and Usagi manage to get away (for once he snapped out of the spell on his own, probably because they got lazy)
Jedite: Ten'ou... how could they get LAZIER than this? I mean, Hino was joined to the others by a CGI spliced frame of footage for Metallia's sake!
Hotaru: Like water, PGSM Special act will always seek its own depths.
Haruka: Anyway, Neko-chan #1 and Mamo run away from Mio, who gets SOO UPSET that they're getting away.
Jedite: Stupid woman. Those two are a pox. Let them go. Live a long, lustful life with the puppy who controls you.
Minako: How much you wanna bet they start selling "Mio-chan's Puppies" soon?
Haruka: (SO resists the Jerry the King Lawler connotation to that.)
Artemis: Oh, I'm sure they will! And then Plush Luna will cheat on me with it too! LUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNA!!!
Minako: Oy...
Haruka: And BTW, when Mamoru escaped, his Tuxedo Mask outfit vanished like he detransformed from it, WTF? In this show it was just a costume he put on?
Hotaru: Well actually, he had it off when he was captured, Mio's magics presumably put it on him, and they vanished when he left.
Haruka: I refuse to accept that line of thinking.
Hotaru: Why?
Haruka: Because that implies they put some THOUGHT into this thing. And that scares me more than all the Youma in Akhibara.
Jedite: In a point of personal shame to me, Mio deploys the Shitennou to deal with the escapees.
Haruka: And boy, do these guys put the "sh!t" in "Shitennou." And I don't mean the cool, badass, "this is the SH!T" sh!t, I mean it in the sense of excretory dung sh!t.
Hotaru: Reminds me of chickens staring up at the rain, slackjawed and waiting to drown.
Minako: You see, in that scene they found out how little Toei was paying for the whole production.
Haruka: I swear, it was so low budget yet they found the cash to make like 4 different life size cutouts of Mio... that crap is EXPENSIVE to make!
Minako: Not if they plan on selling those too...
Artemis: Look for the props on EbayTM soon!
Minako: Zoisite makes my eyes bleed..
Haruka: Yeah but seeing him like this totally makes me see how he could hook up with Nephrite there
Jedite: Wrong dark General, moron.
Haruka: So YOU were playing "spot the submarine" with Zoi? I thought you disclaimed that sh1t...
Jedite: KUNZITE, YOU MORON, KUNZITE!
Haruka: Whoa! You're a PLAYER, JED.
Jedite: I will kill you slowly.
Haruka: Anyway, we find out that the reason the Shitennou were acting so sh!tty was that they were actually fakes, and fake Kunzy here is reacting to the apperance of the real deals, who are quite cool... except for Jed who turned into a laughing happy smiley boy.
Jedite: And I wish I could say Ten;ou was lying. But it's true, dammit.
Minako: I guess it was fun watching the guys get to flex their comedy jeans, but the whole show was just so... sloppy that this just seemed to make it worse (and I love you guys!!)
Artemis: "Genes".
Minako: That too.
Haruka: Yeah, what should have been a super badass HERE COME THE REDEEMED SHITENNOU moment was made kind of... meh. Now if they had come zooming in and fought back to back with the senshi-- oh wait, we're about 45 mins into the hour and there still aren't any senshi.
Minako: Even though they found the Spirit of St. Louis...
Artemis: "Spirit of the Sensh..." gah, it's the same difference, really.
Hotaru: Yes. For a show about the Sailor Senshi, precious few (i.e NONE) have showed up yet. It's been scenes of Usagi and Mamoru bickering and running, and the others running into monsters and then somehow mysteriously escaping.
Haruka: Not to mention running to THE WAY TO JAPAN!
Jedite: Let it go already.
Haruka: DUDE. It's like the new "Burning myself perfectly". It's THE WAY TO JAPAN!
Minako: Buying Sailor V Genki drinks! It's THE WAY TO JAPAN!
Jedite: Sucking the life energy out of hapless girls! It's the WAY TO JAPAN!
Artemis: Hello Kitty battery-powered pleasure sticks! IT'S THE WAY TO... why are you all looking at me like that?
Haruka: We'll just be moving on now...
Minako: Yeah... well anyway, the Shitennou are facing the clowns and these two monsters, who keep showing up for no real reason.
Haruka: They wandered in off the Ultraman lot, man.
Hotaru: What exactly WAS theier role, anyway?
Haruka: "Generic rubber suit sacrifices to make Mamoru look good".
Minako: Oh yeah, Endymion manages to kill them both on his own...
Jedite: Got to prove he's a MAN before the wedding.
Artemis: Has Tux. Mask EVER dealt with a monster on his own in the anime or manga canon?!
Minako: So is this character development or character ignorance??
Haruka: This is Sub. Senshi, we don't do the hard questions.
Jedite: Unless it's Tsukino the younger, who will do anything ha--
Hotaru: MOVING ON
Haruka: Yeah, after proving what a MAN he is, Mio finally flips out and turns into a giant plant... thing... and decides to get to him, OZ style. And we don't mean the bad guys in Gundam Wing, wither.
Minako: That's where the budget went to... ^_^;;;
Artemis: That and the Kuroki cutouts.
Jedite: PGSM just keeps breaking the mold... here it seems a tentacle monster is coming after a MAN. Sailor Moon advances the cause of gender equality once again!
Haruka: "I knew a man once, and let me tell you... this is no man."
Minako: Haruka-san, really?! In that way?!
Haruka: I was parodying that one politician... nevermind.
Artemis: And yet again the senshi ARE Still not around, with about 5 minutes of show left to go...
Haruka: No, wait, here they are now.
Haruka: Gah, they look tough as usual, but GEEZ, they only show up NOW?!
Hotaru: Yes, the mighty last battle of the Sailor Senshi... a two minute set piece, the cornerstone of which is the castrated "Sailor Planet Attack."
Haruka: OK If you've seen the series, they have an attack called the "Moonlight Attractive attack". That thing Looked badass, had a good visual and sound, and it combined all 4 or 5 senshi's power... it WAS the planet attack with a dumbass name.
Minako: THIS attack didn't even have Mars at all (not even a little cameo for Kitagawa-san, or some clips from all the other episodes she was in), and it just had the four senshi send out... what looked like... GLITTER.
Artemis: Yeah. Glowy CGI glitter that was so underwhelming it nearly killed US.
Haruka: Yeah. Kuroki-plant dies, probably more out of shock at the lameass attack than anything else. I mean it redefined crap (and I thought the star Tambos were bad... arrgh)
Minako: Speaking of which, V-chan was holding Mars' dagger... which was a symbolic reversal-thing from the last episode... but unlike there were Kitagawa-san made such a big (and COOL) deal out of it, here they didn't even mention it. If the Toei site hadn't said something about it I would have missed it totally!!
Haruka: And then as the "battle" ends, the senshi lose their powers forever.
Jedite: (comic book guy): Lamest. Ending. Ever.
Minako: But we still have a wedding to deal with!!
Haruka: Bah, I'm too emotionally drained at this point. This show has taken me through all 7 stages... Shock, Shock, Shock, Shock, Shock and SHOCK.
Artemis: That's six.
Haruka: Oh yeah, I forgot PISSED OFF.
Minako: This is just here because I'm so cool!!
Haruka: And also because there was a gratutitious flashback sequence to how everyone's character changed over the course of the series.
Hotaru: Suburban Senshi: Gratuitious Aino Minako.
Minako: :P
Haruka: Well Rei changed, Usagi changed a little, Ami a bit, Makoto almost NOT AT ALL till the end of this, and Minako became a badass just at the VERY END.
Jedite: Endymion developed a spine. I suppose. No matter HOW FAR THAT IS FROM ANY KIND OF TRUTH. IN NO CONTINUITY IS THAT MAN A MANLY MAN.
Hotaru: I can see the fans now... "SPECIAL ACT IS NOT CANON!"
Haruka: I hate when they do this... they put in the one or two COOL kickass scenes you don't want to lose, but know you will if you dare to call this non-canon.
Minako: Sometimes you have to throw the baby out with the dishwater...
Artemis: "Bathwater".
Minako: That too...
Haruka: So who the hell DID stab Endy in the series, anyway?
Artemis: What, like yoy expect a final episode to ANSWER questions?! Have you learned nothing from Utena and Evangelion?!
Haruka: Nothing at all. And that's the way those punks like it, too.
Haruka: These guys were just standing around in the corner while the wedding was going on, weird suits and hair and all, and nobody said anything.
Artemis: Well it IS Japan, they probably thought they were a Visual Kei band playing for the wedding...
Minako: LOL "Live from the Dark Kingdom! It's the MIDNIGHT ZEROES!"
Jedite: 'Midnight Zero" was a cool name. All the losers loved it not realizing it was a dig on them.
Hotaru: Jedite, you are a petty and cruel man.
Jedite: Yes. Does that excite you? Does it make you wish to be my woman?
Hotaru: Must I eviscerate you with the Glaive again?
Jedite: Truly your suppressed libido knows no bounds! See how you quiver for me!
Artemis: Jedite, here on Earth we call that "white-knuckled fury".
Jedite: Bah, she's barely got blood running through her body as it is, she's always that pale.
Artemis: True...
Hotaru: Artemis, really!
Haruka: Anyway, so we get to the wedding at last. You finally get to see Usagi's dad, but we're not gonna show you that because you have to have SOME reason ot buy the DVD heh
Jedite: Is that cruelty or kindness, Ten'ou?
Haruka: When you can be cruel and make it look kind, my friend, then you have learned what it is to be an Outer Senshi.
Hotaru: I protest! I'm an Outer Senshi and I don't behave like that...
Haruka: Because you ignored all the finer points of my parenting, child.
Hotaru: Much to my benefit, I should dare say.
Minako: Anyway, there was the wedding, Usagi-chan's dress was totally cheap, and Motoki-oneesan caught the bouquet and proposed to Mako-chan!!
Hotaru: So the moral is the most underdeveloped character gets the man.
Jedite: In which case you will get me, Tomoe. (looks at her chest)
Hotaru: Honestly.
Haruka: And so anyway, this sad spectacle ends with Mamoru going off and riding into the sunset with his wife of the cheap dress.
Hotaru: I'd like to point out that we here at Sub. Senshi appreiocate the job the PGSM actors and actresses did on the show. While obviously Kitagawa-san's talent stands out (Beryl's actress was very good as well, in her introspective scenes), we feel that everyone did their best in representing their characters, with the fault lying not in them, but the writing, the lines they were forced to say. I myself enjoyed the work of the players for Zoisite and Kunzite a great deal, and appreciate the warmth and sincerity of Sawai Miyuu and Azama Mew...
Haruka: X is making you say that right?
Hotaru: Yes, if we don't balance it out we don't get paid.
Haruka: Bah.
Hotaru: But seriously, the low budget and the plot did this in. I have good things to say about some episodes of PGSM, but not this one. I feel bnad for those who paid for it, and for the PGSM Actors and actresses who did they best they could with this... what I PRAY was hastily assembled material.
Haruka: Heh, now allI have to say is I AM SO GLAD I WASN'T IN THIS SHOW.
Hotaru: We's like to wish everyone at PGSM, especially Kitagawa Keiko, good luck in their future endeavours. Don't go the typical idol route and skip school, Keiko-san.
Hotaru: I feel so cheap now. And used.
Haruka: Welcome to the life of celebrity, 'Taru. That's it for us! Later!
Artemis: LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNA!! She'll be a plush forever, living in Sin with Teddy Ruxpin in their love-nest of a toybox in Versailles!
Minako: Come on Artemis, I'll get you some prozac when we get home...
Artemis: (cries)
Reviewing this act will be:
Ten'ou Haruka - hates PGSM due to not being included, even though she now considers that a boon.
Tomoe Hotaru - has a neutral opinion of PGSM, considers it an interesting exploration of alternate canon.
Aino Minako - doesn't like what happened to her character in PGSM, but likes how they're making up for it here.
Jedite - Considers his characters' fate in the last regular act of PGSM to be anti-Jedite propaganda (and no, he won't spell his name the way THEY want you to)
Artemis - Hates PGSM for turning his wife into a pedo plush, and hates them for driving her to this because he can no longer legally satisfy his conjugal vows.
rei.bot - the artificial life form based off of PGSM's Kitagawa Keiko, who speaks only in Haiku, and has a neutral view of the show. She hates the anime Hino Rei.
Haruka: OK, it's time for the special act. Which I don't see how special it can be, considering I'm not in it. Arty, you do the synopsizing thing.
Artemis: The special act starts with everybody looking at the TV, which is a shockingly western-style set.
Haruka: You mean big and clunky?
Minako: Yeah because in the future retro is cool!
Artemis: We see Usagi "cooking"in the kitchen.
Hotaru: Doesn't that violate some kind of chemical or biological weapons treaty?
Haruka: Probably all of them, heh.
Artemis: we start getting flashbacks of what the other senshi are doing. For example, Ami is a now a doctor. We see her coming out of the ER....
|
Taking a page from the Johnsons in NWA-TNA, Ami begins her new career as a life-sized prophylactic. |
Hotaru: ...in a full biohazard suit.
Haruka: What the hell was she operating on, the alien autopsy?
Minako: Maybe she had to stomach pump a victim of Usagi's cooking...
Artemis: Usagi tells us that Ami might be the youngest Doctor in history.
Minako: Wait, how old is she now, five years from the end of the series??
Haruka: Probably 18 or 19...
Minako: So Doogie Howitzer has her beat...
Artemis: "Howser", and he wasn't real.
Minako: What?! But I was in his fan club!!
Artemis: You WERE his fan club, Mina.
|
Doogie Mizuno, M.D. lays the smackdown on her addled gaijin counterpart. |
Haruka: Well Doogie sure as hell couldn't do the Engrish Ami just did!
Jedite: "Confrabulashuns on da success of your operashum"
Hotaru: This Ami obviously was not as diligent in her study. And what's this the doctor says in reply? "Thank you for your advice, but let's keep it between you and me?"
Jedite: Ahh, the lingering scent of malpractice in the air...
Artemis: Anyway, while Usagi's talking, Ikuko and Luna are hanging around, doing strange synchronized yawning, eating and TV-watching things. Luna...
Minako: Artemis, hang in there...
|
Sailor Luna and Ikuko-mama celebrate the joy of Myu-sic. |
Haruka: OK someone tell me why she just takes this weirdass blue-haired kid running around her house and eating her food in stride?
Jedite: She lives with *Usagi* for a daughter, compared to her the hyperactive child with a tail is an *improvement*.
Artemis: After seeing what Usagi cooked (we'd have a picture but it would make you lose your lunch), Ikuko and Luna... Luna... the tiny girl who used to be my wife... (sobs)
Haruka: Catman's breaking...
(Artemis wails)
Minako: (grabs the mic) Luna and Ikuko-mama decide it would be better to get Mamoru-san to learn to eat Usagi-chan's cooking than it would be to teach Usagi to cook well!!
Artemis: It's a decision we all made many years ago with you, Mina!
Minako: Hey! If it boils, I can cook it!!
Haruka: It's better than Michi, that's for damn sure...
|
Rei's new side job as Zippo-lighter progresses Well. |
Minako: Anyway, Usagi-chan keeps talking about what the others are doing!! They show Rei-chan sharpening her skills in the mountains of Kyoto!!
rei.bot: ...
Haruka: Heh. nice black Hakama she's wearing.
rei.bot:
worn not as miko but as
visiting student
Haruka: So she went up to the mountains... to learn how to make a mighty ofuda which has the power to... light candles.
Jedite: That Hino Rei is a pyromaniac menace.
rei.bot: (decides not to kill you today, Jedite)
Artemis: Still smarting over getting fried to a crisp in the manga, huh?
Jedite: Don't you have an underaged plush wife to cry over, cat?
Artemis: I hate you so much, Jedite.
|
I have been powering up to show you all my badass skills in this movie! Watch for it! |
rei.bot:
toei's kitagawa tease
hypocritical
Haruka: Yeah, LOL we see her getting all badass and powerful, and then... well we'll get there when we get there, heh.
Hotaru: I don't think, considering the overall production values of this OAV, that the budget could have handled a full fifth senshi in the plot.
Haruka: WHAT PLOT?! Oh wait, we get ahead of ourselves.
Minako: Artemis. stop crying over that picture of Luna and move this along!!
Artemis: You're so cold, Mina... so cold. Anyway, Usagi keeps blabbing about rei for a bit then goes on to Minako, but we don't need to hear about that because Mina's NOT IMPORTANT
Minako: Moh!! For the record, I was shown to be a mega-star getting an award in London! Which is no surprise!!
Hotaru: Wait. Wasn't Minako-sempai killed in the series? Shouldn't she still have a fatal disease?
Haruka: You don't want to know how deep this plot hole goes, 'Taru.
Minako: It takes more than a fatal disease to kill Aino Minako!!
Haruka: Uhh, yeah.
|
Next, on "Makoto Stewart's Living..." |
Artemis: Usagi then starts talking about Makoto, who's on the phone in her plant-filled apartment. She's, according to the narration, working hard to realize her dreams in flower arranging.
Haruka: Arrange for flowers to be sold for way too much money? Why the hell do roses cost so much, anyway?
Jedite: What do you care, you just spend Kaioh's money to buy the roses for her.
Haruka: She cut me off. So now I have budgets to deal with and crap.
Minako: Just steal them from Mamoru-san like I do, it's much cheaper.
Haruka: I don't hang out with him. I'm more of a man than Mamoru and that's saying a whole hell of a lot.
Artemis: I'm sorry guys, I can't keep up this synopsizing thing, talking about Luna's hurt me too much.
Haruka: It doesn't matter, Arty, it's not like plot's really integral to this particular outing of PSGM
Minako: So we'll just hit the highlights?
Hotaru: (dryly) the only "highlights" in this OAV are those in Ikuko-mama's hair.
|
"Yes, I'm paying attention to your floral arrangement" (to herself, drawing) "And then Unicron ZOOMS in, and Galvatron tries to open the matrix..." |
Haruka: So here we see Mako-chan's future career, where she sits around doodling while on the phone to important clientele.
Minako: Isn't that what Michiru-san does??
Haruka: She's an *artist*, it's her job to make doodles.
Hotaru: Hideously overpriced doodles.
Haruka: Hey, they keep me in Yebisu and Duff, I'm not complaining.
Minako: I'm surprised Mako-chan thinks that kind of a floral arrangement will impress anyone...
Haruka: I think I hear Salvador Dali spinning around in his grave at 9600 RPM.
Minako: You know about artists, Haruka-san?
Haruka: It was in the magazines on fine art I used to read as a child.
Hotaru: Which you only got for the pictures of the nudes, I believe you once said.
Haruka: In that picture... all the flowers are nude.
Hotaru: (groans)
|
I stole this from Captain Archer on Star Trek! |
Haruka: Nothing says "BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR MOON" like watching Moon yak it up for hours on a fancy new keitai.
Minako: That thing has a glowing light that changes intensity when she speaks!! It's like KITT!! Artemis, I want one!!
Artemis: That's not a special item like the henshin Keitai you made me produce for you!
Minako: So what, you can only produce magic items??
Haruka: Artemis can only produce licensed Bandai Visual toys from his ass. It's part of the new agreement with the powers that be.
Hotaru: Ugh, Haruka-poppa, did you have to bring that up?
Haruka: What, they new licensing agreement from Bandai Visual?
Artemis: No, the fact that I produce magicial items from... there.
Minako: Well it's true!! Don't make me dig out the manga pictures to prove it!!
Artemis: Mina, I have my pride!!
Minako: And I have to use sterilizing alcohol every time I get a new item from you... not that that's been in a while!!
Hotaru: How did this discussion degenerate from a MiST of PGSM special act to what emerges from Artemis'... posterior regions?
Haruka: Because PGSM special act seems to have emerged from there as well, as we shall see.
Hotaru: ...
Haruka: Anyways, for those who care about the "plot", at about this point the flashbacks to what people were doing in the PGSM future kinda stop, and Usagi and Mamoru have a dumb argument over the most ridiculous thing, and the wedding is called off.
Minako: Usagi-chan and Mamoru-san arguing over a stupid thing?? Shock!! Not.
Artemis: Yeah, Maybe Mamo was told to break off the wedding by his *dream* ::rollseyes::
Jedite: Or maybe he was brainwashed by a villain of the week.
Haruka: No, that comes later.
Jedite: How I ever consented to work for that man I'll never know.
Haruka: You did it so you could stab him in the back for kicks, Jed.
Jedite: Oh yes. Heh.
Haruka: So basically in this OVA, Mamoru is his dubmass unromantic anime self who doesn't understand why girls go nuts for weddings.
Minako: You'd think after hanging up with the five of us he'd understand a good bridal fantasy...
Artemis: Hanging "out", and is there something you're implying, Mina?
Minako: Don't be ecchi, Artemis!! Or do I have to remind you about your plush wife and Teddy Ruxpin?!
Artemis: YOU JUST DID! GAHHHHHHHH!!
Haruka: Speaking of Artemis' illegal half, she gets the clever idea to summon the long dead Queen Serenity to bitch about the wedding plans.
|
Queen Serenity sports the latest in floral yamulke. |
Hotaru: So why, when the tensions with the Dark Kingdom were at their peak, was she not summoned before?
Haruka: Because someone read the manga and realized that "OMG!!!111 shes alive in a computar!!1"
Minako: To think I was taking orders from her all the time Artemis and I were working alone...
Haruka: I've yelled it before and I'll yell it again: WHERE ARE THE ODANGO?!
Jedite: The live-action family of the moon all have rather underdeveloped Odango, if you ask me.
Hotaru: Chauvinist.
Jedite: What?! The trademark of Sailor Moon is her large odango! Without her large odango, what is there to make her distinct?!
Haruka: Odango ain't everything, Jed.
Jedite: Stop trying to defend womankind, she-who-dresses-like-a-man-down-to-her-SPEEDO
Haruka: Don't mention the speedo in public, punk!
Artemis: So can we please get back to the MiST?
Minako: Here we see Luna and Micro-Serenity-sama...
Artemis: LUUUUUUUUUUUUNA!!! (sobs)
Minako: Yare, yare.
|
"Help me Obi-wan... I mean, Luna." |
Haruka: LOL it's the Micromachines / Matchbox die cast version of Serenity.
Jedite: Didn't I see her and her twin cavorting on Monster Island in hula girl outfits?
Minako: (sings) Mosura ya Mosura / dongan kasakuyan indoo muu / osuto uiraadoa, hanba hanbamuyan...
Haruka: It so scares me that you knwo that song, Neko-chan.
Jedite: Luna, I know that she's a small, moving thing, that fascinates you, but try not to eat your dead glowing queen.
Haruka: Hah that's why she never showed up before, Luna kept swallowing her!
Artemis: LUUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAA!
Minako: (hands Artemis a handkerchief) Blow.
|
Luna, this is my business suit... |
Haruka: So anyhow, Queen Hula girl tells Luna that in addition to the whole marriage thing going south (and not in the ecchi way you'd want it to, being married), there's some evil forming.
Hotaru: Granted, this is true. The evil known as the increasingly downward spiral of this OAV.
Haruka: So girl Luna goes to investigate, and runs into our friendly neighborhood miko, who's dressed to the nines.
rei.bot:
my suburban senshi style
rapid outfit change
Haruka: Oh yeah, when was the first time you did that, rei.bot?
rei.bot: 8/01/04: [quotes the incident]
[23:55] * @spiritflame rips off her robes!
[23:55] * @spiritflame is wearing a full princess dress
[23:56] * @spiritflame unveils one of her other powers
[23:57] * @spiritflame RIPS off her princess dress.... revealing her robes once again
rei.bot: (ACTIVATES TOTALLY DELUDED SELF-IMPORTANCE MODE FOR THE SUBURBAN SENSHI)
Hotaru: Heh, and it's something you've done about 30 times since, by my estimation. Ironic, that she who was modeled after Kitagawa, is now being modeled after.
Haruka: Man, we've always suspected them of lifting ideas from fics, like Neko's disease (that was in a fic someone wrote where she got ill because of chemical exposure during the warehouse explosion at the end of her Sailor V days in the anime), but now we have the SMOKING DRESS!
Minako: Like Lewinsky's??
Artemis: Gross, Mina!
Haruka: Not that kind of a dress. Check out this flash of the event (scale down your browser, because otherwise it'll run large and slow:)
|
...and this is my suit for TAKING CARE of Business! |
Minako: So how did she fit the hakama under her business skirt??
Haruka: Must have been one of the "skills" she picked up in Kyoto...
Jedite: Or a visit to Suburban Senshi IRC chat... heh.
rei.bot: (RIPS OFF her robes to reveal... the white and black robes rei was wearing a few shots back)
Minako: The turnabout is fairly played!!
Artemis: I'm not even going to bother.
Haruka: Anyway, remember how Rei was all training to be badass? Well, all her mad candle-lighting skillz didn't do CRAP, because, lo and behold, the evil emerges anyway, and it is:
|
ph33r Mio's Insane Clown Posse. |
Hotaru: The Dead Moon Circus?!
Haruka: No, but Zirconia is suing for copyright infringement and general humiliation.
Minako: The clown drivers from Twisted Metal!?
Haruka: No, but Sony is suing too.
Artemis: So after a full year of battling dangerous youma....
Jedite: Beyl's last line of defense has finally been unearthed.
Haruka: I always said you Shitennou were clowns.
Jedite: Quiet, crossdresser no Senshi.
Haruka: And our villian for the OAV is:
|
Gothic Lolita valentine necrofetish Mio action figure coming soon from Bandai! |
Minako: How is she still alive?
Artemis: The plot demanded it?
Hotaru: More like the plot screamed and wailed in mortal agony as this was forced upon it.
Haruka: Man, they've got some trippy Prince-1999 style BGM going on behind her, and the scary thing is IT FITS.
Jedite: Well 80's style music would go well with the whole "lingerie in public" dress style.
Haruka: As a child of the 80's I so disavow that whole decade.
Minako: That BGM reminds me of Ikari Gendo and SEELE's plan to destroy the world with a song in the "ReDeath" parody video...
Haruka: Well my mind's rotting already. Kuroki Mio makes my want to "Ku roke" [croak] and die.
|
Those girls... will do anything... to keep my superior acting from the masses... |
Minako: They put her EYE OUT?!
Jedite: Looks like Hino was the first to fall to the overwhelming stupidity attack of the plot.
Haruka: Akuryo Taisan THAT, punk!
rei.bot: (glares at Haruka)
Haruka: What, I thought you hated Hino Rei.
rei.bot:
none of the reis would ever
go out like a bitch
Haruka: Whoa, miko-san said "bitch"
Artemis: You know the other girls just beat her up because Kitagawa OWNS any scene she's in.
Minako: Either that or she did what I'd do when manager would give me a crappy script, and she played sick or scheduled a photo shoot to get out of most of it.
Artemis: Mina, don't admit that...
Haruka: Heh, no, it's part of her clever plan to chew scenery later. You'll see.
Hotaru: Frankly. Kitagawa and Miyuu are the only ones with enough skill TO chew the scenery properly.
Minako: I dunno, I thought Azama made a good Mako-chan... and Komatsu-san got REAL good as me in this OAV...
Haruka: ONLY BECAUSE YOU WENT KILL BILL ON THEM FOR KILLING HER OFF BEFORE
Minako: Hey it GOT RESULTS, OK?! I ASKED FOR AN OAV AND I *GOT* ONE! PLUS THEY MAD ME A BADASS IN THIS SHOW!
Haruka: Holy sh*t... that IS TRUE!! YOU DO READ US, DON'T YOU?! ADMIT IT!! ADDDMIT ITTT!!!!
Hotaru: Poor Azama, her character was barely developed in the series... but she had the most (outside of rei) "authentic" representation of the character, I felt. I felt like I WAS watching Makoto.
Haruka: Anyway, so Rei lies in bed chilling and thanking Kami-sama AND Dende-sama she's not in this stinker of a plot, while the clowns ravage Tokyo seeking energy for Mio's Dork... I mean "Dark" Kingdom.
Hotaru: And of course, we see the human face of tragedy once more:
|
Weeping Child. It's the new Naru. |
Haruka: Hey. How many TIMES over the course of this show HAS that kid lost her mother, anyway?!
Jedite: Don't be fooled by the weepy waily act, she keeps trying to kill of her mother by shoving her in the Youma's path so as to collect the insurance money, but the senshi keep interfering.
Hotaru: Well not this time, because there ARE no Senshi. Because the Ginzuishou broke in the series finale, and so their powers died... Right.
Minako: It's like that SuperS movie where supposedly our powers are tied to Usagi's... which is ridiculous. We get our powers from our own planets and Sailor Crystals, thanks!!
Hotaru: Honestly. If you read the manga, you'd see my power is equal and opposite to Serenity's. Our wellspring of power is totally different from hers... indeed, she borrows OUR power from time to time. How can she do that if we supposedly take power from her?!
Haruka: DON'T QUESTION THE PLOT HOLE!
Jedite: Where was Takeuchi in all this? Where was the pride of worksmanship? I mean people PAID FOR THIS. Not that I mind, being an evil Dark General who likes to lie, cheat and steal, but...
Haruka: Heh, it doesn't matter, because who needs the senshi, when we have:
|
"I'm Batman. Yes I am, dammit." |
Minako: DA-DAH-Da-DAH-DA-Da-DAH-DAA-DAA-DAH!!!
Hotaru: I have to admit, it is good to see the Tuxedo Mask again... cross-eyed though he may be.
Haruka: Yeah, the Endy outfit was totally gay.
(everyone looks at Haruka)
Haruka: HEY *I* CAN SAY THAT WORD.
Hotaru: Point.
Artemis: Actually, the white outfit was seen in the Sailor Moon anime...
Haruka: WHERE. I DARE YOU TO SHOW ME.
Artemis: SMR Opening.
|
Dork, thy name is Endymion. |
Haruka: Why she'd want to see THAT right now is beyond me (referring to the lyrics onscreen)
Artemis: (usagi) "Ooh, your new tunic is SO cheap-looking! If I touch it, will it fall apart?"
Minako: That Usagi-chan is just blinded by the fact a man likes her, as opposed to this Usagi-chan, who, unable to fight the clows as Sailor Moon, picks up this deadly weapon...
|
"I can hurt you! Do you know what this stick did to Ash's sister in Evil DEAD?! WELL DO YOU?!" |
Haruka: You know PSGM's budget is totally gone when that is the new moon stick.
Hotaru: Now every child can finally afford to have one.
Minako: MOOOOON PRINCESS... MAKE YOU DIE OF LAUGHTER ATTACKU!!
Artemis: The Rabbit in the Moon pounds Mochi... with a STICK.
rei.bot:
used for poking out rei's eye
miyuu is so blatant
Haruka: THE BLOODY STUMP! ERR GLOVE! ERR, TWIG!
Minako: So after Usagi-chan took out rei-chan the alarm goes out to the other girls, and they decide to make their way to Japan...
|
There are 666 portals to hell. In Japan is number 444, The Forest of Resurrection... wait, it's just THE WAY TO JAPAN. |
Hotaru: As we see in this scene, Ami-san, who is in America, has found the secret portal to Japan, screaming out to the doctor, who informs ther that the Operating room is "this way", that "THIS IS TEH WHEY TO JAPAN!"
Jedite: Obviously using the same portal that let that american soldier take a TRAIN to England from Grand Central station in New York.
Haruka: "Asahi: The Way to Japan" [Parody of the "Asahi: The Shoes of Japan" ad that ran duting PGSM]
Artemis: So... she left a patient to die on the operating table?
Minako: We call it the plot.
Haruka: Hey, that's right, that gaijin doctor will be USELESS WITHOUT HER! HOW WILL THE ALIEN AUTOPSY CONTINUE?
Jedite: Anyway, during the time Mizuno is running to Japan FROM AMERICA, Tsukino and Endorkion manage to get caught my Mio, who has a simple fate planned for the "King of the Earth."
|
YOUR CUTOUT HERE FOR FIFTY MILLION YEN |
Haruka: Ahh, some "tab A in slot B" action... rrrowr
Hotaru: I always said Kuroki Mio was a bit of a 2-dimensional villain, but this is ridiculous.
Minako: Just proving the woman has no standards.
Artemis: You're just jealous that she took some of your recording contracts.
Haruka: Hey Neko, how come you're not rich?
Minako: Manager-san stole all my cash, I think he's living in Bermuda somewhere.
Jedite: Which is where I bet the Shitennou wish they were.
|
We all know who is the TRUE master here. |
Haruka: She's talking to her damn... plush... DOG.
Hotaru: This whole series seems to be about plushie empowerment...
Artemis: DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT PLUSHIES!!! LUUUUUUUUUUUNA!!!!
Jedite: Prozac for the cat, stat.
Haruka: So Jed, was Beryl this whack? I mean having strategy conferences with a toy while you guys were standing around?
Jedite: She was only marginally better, running her hands over a shiny bowling ball and pretending it gave her insights into the universe.
Minako: I bet this is the exact process the writers used to come up with this plot and story...
Haruka: THE DOG IS THE TRUE ENEMY OF SIALORMOON!
Artemis: Anyway, what little there is of the story continues. Since the Senshi can't transform, Micro Queen Serenity tells Makoto and Luna to seek a sword called the "Spirit of the Senshi" which will enable them to gregain their powers one more time and crush the enemy.
|
Archetype, much? |
Haruka: Ney, Neko... don't you have a sword like that, made out of Ginzuishou crystal with a venomous blade?
Artemis: She used it to skewer Beryl... now it props up her bookshelf.
Minako: GAH! They replaced the Holy Sword with a cheap Taiwanese knockoff!!
Hotaru: What is it with people and their need to stick swords into things...
Jedite: When I was little I used to stick my sword into everything until one day it broke... such a painful memory...
Haruka: Jed, I don't want to know where you stuck your sword, OK?
|
Ami commits her first felony theft, in a very SPECIAL ACT of PGSM!! |
Artemis: While Usagi and Mamoru are bickering and planning their escape, Ami arrives in Japan in a taxi, which runs into the killer clowns, who scare off the driver. So Ami decides to steal the car and run past the clowns.
Haruka: Right. She doesn't run them OVER, which you might think about doing. She runs AROUND them, because of course Ami-chan is always polite.
Minako: I bet Haruka-san wishes she were in that scene...
Haruka: There would have been some flatass clowns, let me tell you.
Artemis: Anyway, this scene ends with Ami having dodged the clowns, only to be confronted by one of the two youma of the day. We don't see what happens between them.
Jedite: That's because they have hot relations! Intellectual relations, of course.
Minako: Meanwhile, Minako-chan is in London trying to get to the airport...
Haruka: Hahaha stupid Neko doesn't knwow the secret of the WAY TO JAPAN
Minako: :P
Minako: Anyway, she gets confronted by this guy!!
|
009 is back, as KILLER CLOWN! Because Octopussy demands it! |
Haruka: Now I have to give them props. This Mofo had MOVES. If his swords weren't so crap, I'd've been scared to tangle with this punk.
Artemis: It's so sad. Of ALL the villains in the whole show, this one no-name clown had, bar none, the BEST screen presence.
Hotaru: That's not hard when you're going up against a bunch of tumbling clowns, a lingerie wearing maw with feet and a plush puppy, not to mention two reject monsters from Ultraman.
Artemis: Granted.
Artemis: Of course, Minako, being herself for what's probably the first time in the whole series, just does what she does best, and with one kick...
|
ANY of you OTHER punks want to comment on my photo shoots?! |
Minako: SCORE!!
Haruka: Damn, Neko... damn. That there is the aftermath of a SWEET doubletake in which Neko PLANTS the mofo through the column with one swift kick. Then she just WALKS through the rest of the clowns like "you wanna piece of me?!"
Hotaru: They parted like the Red Sea for Moses..
Artemis: I suppose Mina's temper tantrum over her treatment in the regular series got felt all the way over in Japan, because they made her TOUGH.
Haruka: HARD. Tough as me in her leather jacket and cool moves. Come to think of it, they stole a lot of me and gave it to Neko.
Minako: Hey! I'm the leader of the inner senshi, and I have more experience, I should be tough!!
Artemis: Yeah, they made her steorng like you, and pig-headed, and stubborn, and unwilling to understand SIMPLE IDEAS like working together..
Minako: Yea... HEY!
Haruka: AT LEAST MY WIFE'S NOT A PLUSHIE
Artemis: Hate you.
Hotaru: Getting this back on track, Minako-sempai runs into an Ultraman reject monster of the day as well. And again, we don't see the outcome.
Haruka: AMI and NEKO's fight, only on the SE VERSION of the DVD, available this June!
Jedite: I want the version of the DVD where the plot doesn't suck.
Haruka: That don't come out till next neverday. Anyway, we cut back to the mountaintop where the sword is located, and Makoto and Luna are battling more clowns to get to it.
Hotaru: Because of course a sword has been sitting on a publically accessible hill for 10,000 years in an earthquake zone and it has never fallen down or been blasted out of the ground by greedy individuals.
Haruka: Hey, It's a kind of magic.
Artemis: The stupid kind.
|
Luna: He looked up my frilly frock! |
Hotaru: "And they looked from Luna to clown, and clown to Luna, and no one could tell the difference."
Artemis: 10 quatloos to whoever gets the obscure literary reference.*
* - this is not an offer.
Jedite: YES CLOWNS CRUSH HER
Artemis: Hey that's my... wife... you're... talking... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Haruka: Be glad Diana was born before this "change of life" LOL
Artemis: It's NOT FUNNY!!
Jedite: Hey crushing her to death would have made the movie well worth the price.
Haruka: God, if I had imported this thing I'd feel SO jipped right now...
Minako: They better not foul up my OAV... I WILL BE PAYING ATTENTION!!
Haruka: LOL if it was done anything like this, it will be filmed in an old warehouse filled with christmas decorations and the villain will be The Artist formerly known as Ponce who plays 70's discofunk BGM as he plots to make a MAN out of Artemis, taking orders from a talking Parakeet who only says "Funk Soul Brotha."
Minako: ...
|
A rolling stone gathers no swords, you know. |
Hotaru: The plot, such as it is, rolls on, as the battle rages on for the sword. Luna and Makoto finally make their way to the sword, but can't make it work, since all four senshi are not present.
Haruka: No, it's because the sword is a PIECE OF PLASTIC CRAP (that you can now buy for 5000 yen).
Minako: I pre-ordered mine two YEARS ago!!
Artemis: (sigh) such an Otaku.
Minako: Shush! It'll be worth millions some day!! Just like all my Jar-Jar Blinks toys!!
Artemis: "Binks", and no it won't. Even if you had the last "Sprit of the Senshi" on EARTH it will never appreciate in value.
Hotaru: "Spirit of the Senshi", NEW! From the Franklin mint.
Haruka: Anyway, back to the story, tired to taking sass from her "man" (and I use the term loosely), Mio goes where everyone has gone before:
|
Mamoru gets a whiff of Mio Breeze. |
Jedite: Shibby, welcome to your anime hell. Your brain, such as it isn't, is once again washed clean and free.
Minako: Mamoru-san must have the cleanest brain in the universe...
Hotaru: It's so clean, it's frictionless... no thoughts can take root.
Artemis: Now now, if we can't say anything nice about Mamoru, we shouldn't say anything at all.
Jedite: ...
Haruka: ...
Hotaru: ...
Minako: ...
Artemis: rei.bot? Surely you, a miko, has something good to say about Chiba Mamoru?
rei.bot:
dapper suave style and action
all talk and no walk
Artemis: ...
Haruka: Anyways, Makoto-chan and Luna are about to be pummeled by the killer clowns, when one of their number goes rabid and kills them all with fire extinguisher foam
Minako: The sad thing is, you think Haruka-san's joking... but she's not.
Artemis: It really happened.
Haruka: Yup.
Hotaru: Of course this renegade clown turns out to be:
|
"Rika" debuts her newest idol "image". |
Haruka: Hama Chisaki!
Minako: Hungry Hungry Hama-san!
Artemis: Now now, everyone... "Rika."
Hotaru: You realize, of course, she probably decapaitated the clown, scooped out its innards and enjoyed a delicious meal, whereupon she donned its skin like a "clown-suit".
Haruka: Or she just ripped off the clown's clothes and put on the clown suit the clown was wearing.
Hotaru: Must you destroy even my FEEBLEST attempts at humour, Haruka-poppa?!
Haruka: Yes, yes I must.
|
Minako really needs to learn the rules of the road. |
Minako: Then like the ROAD RAGE WARRIOR, Minako-chan shows up and runs down all the clowns with her bike, saving the day!!
Artemis: "Road Warrior". Oh wait, I've seen you on a bike. Nevermind.
Minako: Grr.
Haruka: THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY SCENE, I"M THE BADASS BIKER CHICK
Jedite: Ten'ou, hearing you describe yourself that way is so wrong. On so many levels.
Artemis: Anyway, with Mina there, the four senshi are finally reunited and ready to pull the sword out of the stone!!
Hotaru: What of Rei-san?
Artemis: I SAID THE FOUR SENSHI ARE REUNITED AND THEY ARE READY!
|
"I can't believe you people stole all the cool scenes and forced me to sit this one out! Miyuu, I know it was you with the stick to the eye!!" |
Hotaru: Rei's token scene #2
rei.bot:
kitagawa credits me
give her the oscar
Haruka: Even here, she steals the whole damn show, emoting more than 9/10ths of the others.
Minako: Minako-chan was a badass!
Haruka: Will you stop talking about yourself in the third person, it's annoying!
Minako: Not me, even though I am too, the other Minako-chan!!
Hotaru: Being "badass" is not emoting.
Haruka: Hey, Clint Eastwood made a pretty damn fine career out of it.
Jedite: Anyway, yes, Kitagawa puts them all to shame once again, which is of course why she is left OUT of the film for the most part. Par for the course with this production.
Haruka: Hey. If she was there the already gaping FLAWS in this three-day production would have been EXPLODED at the scenes. She'd be there with all kinds of Gravitas and sh*t, and the rest of them would be mailing in their performances while watching Mio's gaping maw-grin split her head in two, the top falling off. Kitagawa's too powerful man. They HAD to cut her out. For the good of the many who would otherwise be relegated to chump loser status in her light.
Minako: A fan much, Haruka-san? (notes that SOMEONE needs to UPDATE his fan site on Kitagawa-san already... :P)
Haruka: Hey, it's true. Her little hand-shaking "reach for the others" scene was 10 billion times better than "DIS IS DA WHEY TO JAPON"
Artemis: "Suburban Senshi: This is the Way to Japan"
Haruka: Heh, gotta remember that one.
|
PGSMinako: The Quickening: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE |
Hotaru: So anyhow, it seems that the requirement for having all four senshi present is lifted, as all of a sudden with only three there, the sword can be removed from the stone.
Artemis: ALL FOUR WERE THERE! REI'S HEART WAS THERE!!
Haruka: Then why the hell wasn't it there BEFORE when Makoto almost got killed trying to pull the thing out of the rock?! Why is it only there now?!
Artemis: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Hotaru: And in a scene straight out of Highlander 2, the Senshi are reborn by the power of the Quickening.
Haruka: Ramierez: "I'm rather glad the magic worked."
Minako: Ne, Luna used her henshin keitai to become Sailor Luna, right? Why can't the other girls do that?
Jedite: By Metallia, can you imagine FIVE Sailor Lunas? They'd be a Sentai team so INDESCRIBABLY CUTESY the enemy would just DIE
Minako: I meant to become Sailor Senshi...
Haruka: Because Luna put the other phones back up her a$$ when the show ended and no one will get them out again for fear of cat e.coli.
Artemis: YOU PEOPLE! ONCE AN ITEM COMES OUT IT CAN'T GO BACK IN!
Jedite: I bet Toei forced the girls to sell off the units to squeeze every last dime from the show. Which doesn't explain why this last episode still looks like it was filmed on a budget of five dollars.
Minako: Somewhere, five lucky girls who thought they were buying Sailor Moon toys transform... for real. Thus creating the new legend of the "Pretty Guardians".
Haruka: WE KNOW YOU SAW THAT TOEI, IF YOU USE IT WE WANT A CREDIT. OR I WILL RUN YOU OVER WITH MY FERRARI AND THEN MY YAMAHA.
Hotaru: You're going to run over Toei.
Haruka: Yup.
Hotaru: All of it.
Haruka: Uh-huh.
Hotaru: With your car.
Haruka: And then my bike, yeah.
Jedite: Careful, they own Son Goku and he will gladly smash your ass flat for a bowl of rice and some Mr. Popo's Tasty Ramen.
Haruka: Crap. Forgot about that. DAMN YOU, TOEI! DAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOOOU!
|
Mio weeps at the sight of this debacle, and so do we. |
Hotaru: Anyway, by now, with the senshi supposedly revived, you would expect that they would transform and rush in to battle Mio on her own ground. But that would be wrong, because you are using logic, and logic has no sway here.
Haruka: Yeah, Mamoru and Usagi manage to get away (for once he snapped out of the spell on his own, probably because they got lazy)
Jedite: Ten'ou... how could they get LAZIER than this? I mean, Hino was joined to the others by a CGI spliced frame of footage for Metallia's sake!
Hotaru: Like water, PGSM Special act will always seek its own depths.
Haruka: Anyway, Neko-chan #1 and Mamo run away from Mio, who gets SOO UPSET that they're getting away.
Jedite: Stupid woman. Those two are a pox. Let them go. Live a long, lustful life with the puppy who controls you.
Minako: How much you wanna bet they start selling "Mio-chan's Puppies" soon?
Haruka: (SO resists the Jerry the King Lawler connotation to that.)
Artemis: Oh, I'm sure they will! And then Plush Luna will cheat on me with it too! LUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNA!!!
Minako: Oy...
Haruka: And BTW, when Mamoru escaped, his Tuxedo Mask outfit vanished like he detransformed from it, WTF? In this show it was just a costume he put on?
Hotaru: Well actually, he had it off when he was captured, Mio's magics presumably put it on him, and they vanished when he left.
Haruka: I refuse to accept that line of thinking.
Hotaru: Why?
Haruka: Because that implies they put some THOUGHT into this thing. And that scares me more than all the Youma in Akhibara.
|
Groucho, Harpo, Zippo and who the hell cares. |
Jedite: In a point of personal shame to me, Mio deploys the Shitennou to deal with the escapees.
Haruka: And boy, do these guys put the "sh!t" in "Shitennou." And I don't mean the cool, badass, "this is the SH!T" sh!t, I mean it in the sense of excretory dung sh!t.
Hotaru: Reminds me of chickens staring up at the rain, slackjawed and waiting to drown.
Minako: You see, in that scene they found out how little Toei was paying for the whole production.
Haruka: I swear, it was so low budget yet they found the cash to make like 4 different life size cutouts of Mio... that crap is EXPENSIVE to make!
Minako: Not if they plan on selling those too...
Artemis: Look for the props on EbayTM soon!
|
The Fab 4 strut for the ladies. |
Minako: Zoisite makes my eyes bleed..
Haruka: Yeah but seeing him like this totally makes me see how he could hook up with Nephrite there
Jedite: Wrong dark General, moron.
Haruka: So YOU were playing "spot the submarine" with Zoi? I thought you disclaimed that sh1t...
Jedite: KUNZITE, YOU MORON, KUNZITE!
Haruka: Whoa! You're a PLAYER, JED.
Jedite: I will kill you slowly.
|
You mean my whole legacy as the noble and driven Kunzite has been flushed into the crapper and this is all anyone will ever remember me for?! NOOOOOOOOO! |
Haruka: Anyway, we find out that the reason the Shitennou were acting so sh!tty was that they were actually fakes, and fake Kunzy here is reacting to the apperance of the real deals, who are quite cool... except for Jed who turned into a laughing happy smiley boy.
Jedite: And I wish I could say Ten;ou was lying. But it's true, dammit.
Minako: I guess it was fun watching the guys get to flex their comedy jeans, but the whole show was just so... sloppy that this just seemed to make it worse (and I love you guys!!)
Artemis: "Genes".
Minako: That too.
Haruka: Yeah, what should have been a super badass HERE COME THE REDEEMED SHITENNOU moment was made kind of... meh. Now if they had come zooming in and fought back to back with the senshi-- oh wait, we're about 45 mins into the hour and there still aren't any senshi.
Minako: Even though they found the Spirit of St. Louis...
Artemis: "Spirit of the Sensh..." gah, it's the same difference, really.
Hotaru: Yes. For a show about the Sailor Senshi, precious few (i.e NONE) have showed up yet. It's been scenes of Usagi and Mamoru bickering and running, and the others running into monsters and then somehow mysteriously escaping.
Haruka: Not to mention running to THE WAY TO JAPAN!
Jedite: Let it go already.
Haruka: DUDE. It's like the new "Burning myself perfectly". It's THE WAY TO JAPAN!
Minako: Buying Sailor V Genki drinks! It's THE WAY TO JAPAN!
Jedite: Sucking the life energy out of hapless girls! It's the WAY TO JAPAN!
Artemis: Hello Kitty battery-powered pleasure sticks! IT'S THE WAY TO... why are you all looking at me like that?
Haruka: We'll just be moving on now...
|
"It's a paycheck man. Deal." |
Minako: Yeah... well anyway, the Shitennou are facing the clowns and these two monsters, who keep showing up for no real reason.
Haruka: They wandered in off the Ultraman lot, man.
Hotaru: What exactly WAS theier role, anyway?
Haruka: "Generic rubber suit sacrifices to make Mamoru look good".
Minako: Oh yeah, Endymion manages to kill them both on his own...
Jedite: Got to prove he's a MAN before the wedding.
Artemis: Has Tux. Mask EVER dealt with a monster on his own in the anime or manga canon?!
Minako: So is this character development or character ignorance??
Haruka: This is Sub. Senshi, we don't do the hard questions.
Jedite: Unless it's Tsukino the younger, who will do anything ha--
Hotaru: MOVING ON
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OMG The Mio is going to urotskidoji Endymion!!!111 |
Haruka: Yeah, after proving what a MAN he is, Mio finally flips out and turns into a giant plant... thing... and decides to get to him, OZ style. And we don't mean the bad guys in Gundam Wing, wither.
Minako: That's where the budget went to... ^_^;;;
Artemis: That and the Kuroki cutouts.
Jedite: PGSM just keeps breaking the mold... here it seems a tentacle monster is coming after a MAN. Sailor Moon advances the cause of gender equality once again!
Haruka: "I knew a man once, and let me tell you... this is no man."
Minako: Haruka-san, really?! In that way?!
Haruka: I was parodying that one politician... nevermind.
Artemis: And yet again the senshi ARE Still not around, with about 5 minutes of show left to go...
Haruka: No, wait, here they are now.
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We pose in preparation for our token attack! Truly, today we have mastered the anime style! |
Haruka: Gah, they look tough as usual, but GEEZ, they only show up NOW?!
Hotaru: Yes, the mighty last battle of the Sailor Senshi... a two minute set piece, the cornerstone of which is the castrated "Sailor Planet Attack."
Haruka: OK If you've seen the series, they have an attack called the "Moonlight Attractive attack". That thing Looked badass, had a good visual and sound, and it combined all 4 or 5 senshi's power... it WAS the planet attack with a dumbass name.
Minako: THIS attack didn't even have Mars at all (not even a little cameo for Kitagawa-san, or some clips from all the other episodes she was in), and it just had the four senshi send out... what looked like... GLITTER.
Artemis: Yeah. Glowy CGI glitter that was so underwhelming it nearly killed US.
Haruka: Yeah. Kuroki-plant dies, probably more out of shock at the lameass attack than anything else. I mean it redefined crap (and I thought the star Tambos were bad... arrgh)
Minako: Speaking of which, V-chan was holding Mars' dagger... which was a symbolic reversal-thing from the last episode... but unlike there were Kitagawa-san made such a big (and COOL) deal out of it, here they didn't even mention it. If the Toei site hadn't said something about it I would have missed it totally!!
Haruka: And then as the "battle" ends, the senshi lose their powers forever.
Jedite: (comic book guy): Lamest. Ending. Ever.
Minako: But we still have a wedding to deal with!!
Haruka: Bah, I'm too emotionally drained at this point. This show has taken me through all 7 stages... Shock, Shock, Shock, Shock, Shock and SHOCK.
Artemis: That's six.
Haruka: Oh yeah, I forgot PISSED OFF.
|
Because Xadium thinks this was one of the coolest scenes in PGSM, and not just because of V-chan either. OK, so maybe because of her. |
Minako: This is just here because I'm so cool!!
Haruka: And also because there was a gratutitious flashback sequence to how everyone's character changed over the course of the series.
Hotaru: Suburban Senshi: Gratuitious Aino Minako.
Minako: :P
Haruka: Well Rei changed, Usagi changed a little, Ami a bit, Makoto almost NOT AT ALL till the end of this, and Minako became a badass just at the VERY END.
Jedite: Endymion developed a spine. I suppose. No matter HOW FAR THAT IS FROM ANY KIND OF TRUTH. IN NO CONTINUITY IS THAT MAN A MANLY MAN.
Hotaru: I can see the fans now... "SPECIAL ACT IS NOT CANON!"
Haruka: I hate when they do this... they put in the one or two COOL kickass scenes you don't want to lose, but know you will if you dare to call this non-canon.
Minako: Sometimes you have to throw the baby out with the dishwater...
Artemis: "Bathwater".
Minako: That too...
Haruka: So who the hell DID stab Endy in the series, anyway?
Artemis: What, like yoy expect a final episode to ANSWER questions?! Have you learned nothing from Utena and Evangelion?!
Haruka: Nothing at all. And that's the way those punks like it, too.
|
We were badasses once. We swear. |
Haruka: These guys were just standing around in the corner while the wedding was going on, weird suits and hair and all, and nobody said anything.
Artemis: Well it IS Japan, they probably thought they were a Visual Kei band playing for the wedding...
Minako: LOL "Live from the Dark Kingdom! It's the MIDNIGHT ZEROES!"
Jedite: 'Midnight Zero" was a cool name. All the losers loved it not realizing it was a dig on them.
Hotaru: Jedite, you are a petty and cruel man.
Jedite: Yes. Does that excite you? Does it make you wish to be my woman?
Hotaru: Must I eviscerate you with the Glaive again?
Jedite: Truly your suppressed libido knows no bounds! See how you quiver for me!
Artemis: Jedite, here on Earth we call that "white-knuckled fury".
Jedite: Bah, she's barely got blood running through her body as it is, she's always that pale.
Artemis: True...
Hotaru: Artemis, really!
|
Of all the dresses in all the world, Mamoru had to buy his princess the CHEAPEST one. |
Haruka: Anyway, so we get to the wedding at last. You finally get to see Usagi's dad, but we're not gonna show you that because you have to have SOME reason ot buy the DVD heh
Jedite: Is that cruelty or kindness, Ten'ou?
Haruka: When you can be cruel and make it look kind, my friend, then you have learned what it is to be an Outer Senshi.
Hotaru: I protest! I'm an Outer Senshi and I don't behave like that...
Haruka: Because you ignored all the finer points of my parenting, child.
Hotaru: Much to my benefit, I should dare say.
Minako: Anyway, there was the wedding, Usagi-chan's dress was totally cheap, and Motoki-oneesan caught the bouquet and proposed to Mako-chan!!
Hotaru: So the moral is the most underdeveloped character gets the man.
Jedite: In which case you will get me, Tomoe. (looks at her chest)
Hotaru: Honestly.
|
Mamoru zooms into his future life as a Road Warrior. |
Haruka: And so anyway, this sad spectacle ends with Mamoru going off and riding into the sunset with his wife of the cheap dress.
Hotaru: I'd like to point out that we here at Sub. Senshi appreiocate the job the PGSM actors and actresses did on the show. While obviously Kitagawa-san's talent stands out (Beryl's actress was very good as well, in her introspective scenes), we feel that everyone did their best in representing their characters, with the fault lying not in them, but the writing, the lines they were forced to say. I myself enjoyed the work of the players for Zoisite and Kunzite a great deal, and appreciate the warmth and sincerity of Sawai Miyuu and Azama Mew...
Haruka: X is making you say that right?
Hotaru: Yes, if we don't balance it out we don't get paid.
Haruka: Bah.
Hotaru: But seriously, the low budget and the plot did this in. I have good things to say about some episodes of PGSM, but not this one. I feel bnad for those who paid for it, and for the PGSM Actors and actresses who did they best they could with this... what I PRAY was hastily assembled material.
Haruka: Heh, now allI have to say is I AM SO GLAD I WASN'T IN THIS SHOW.
Hotaru: We's like to wish everyone at PGSM, especially Kitagawa Keiko, good luck in their future endeavours. Don't go the typical idol route and skip school, Keiko-san.
Hotaru: I feel so cheap now. And used.
Haruka: Welcome to the life of celebrity, 'Taru. That's it for us! Later!
Artemis: LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNA!! She'll be a plush forever, living in Sin with Teddy Ruxpin in their love-nest of a toybox in Versailles!
Minako: Come on Artemis, I'll get you some prozac when we get home...
Artemis: (cries)