Suburban Senshi MiST: Komatsu Ayaka's "Figure A"

Hino Rei here. I managed to find the old materials for a MiST that my fellow "Suburban Senshi" never got done a few years back, of an idol video from Komatsu Ayaka called "Figure A". (Obviously the title doesn' apply to her cup size :P)

There were some notes left by the others back in December '06, so I'll leave those in and take over where they left off having never seen the video myself (this should be fun, huh?) Oh, and they'll be chiming in from time to time too, apparently.

Jedite: Damn that Ten'ou, running off and getting engaged to Kaioh so she wouldn't have to review this stinker of an idol DVD.
Hotaru: It's not like they did that just to avoid a MiST, you know.
Artemis: After the Miyuu thing, I'm not so sure...
TOMOE: HEY THIS ONE IS 50 MINUTES LONG, DO YOU THINK KOMATSU WILL SAY MORE THAN FIVE LINES?
Jedite: You mean more than "Ayaka loves you long time, baby?"

TOMOE: THIS RIP BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LAUGHING MAN
Jedite: Yes, he laughs... at our pain.
Artemis: You know, it's a good thing we cats always looks like we're smiling, because that way no one can tell I'm crying inside.

Jedite: So much for foreplay.
TOMOE: SHE WASN'T KIDDING WHEN SHE SAID YOU'D GET TO KNOW ALL OF HER BODY REALLY WELL! MUAHAHAHAHAH!
Rei's note: I think she said that in the promo literature for this video
Hotaru: This reminds me of that horror movie where supermodels were all digitized and killed off.
Artemis: Well they're making no secret of the true purpose of this DVD. I bet this menu transition is its own loopable segment.
Me: And if not, you can always stare at this tiny .GIF all day... :P

Hotaru: And now we get "tactical" displays of "vital" information, like this, her birthdate (1986 / 07 /23)
Jedite: Smart of them. This way we know she's legal, and we're forced to abandon any and all pedo jokes.
Artemis: But without pedo jokes, what good is an idol video MiST?
TOMOE: WELL AT LEAST KOMATSU DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A FIVE YEAR-OLD
Me: Well that just leaves room for Rina Koike's Idol video <_<

LOL and that was ALL they did for this video... the rest of this scary task is all left up to me. I feel kind of like an Archæologist coming across a trove of pictures and not knowing the context of how to interpret them..

So... Bust... Waist.. hips... and... a fourth number... what, is that her ANKLE Diameter? Are fanboys that obsessive that they want to know how slim her ANKLES are?

(Jedite is making a "chickenlegs Ayaka" joke behind me here)
Tomoe-hakase: "It feels like we're looking at plans for our own Artificial Ayaka."
Minako-chan: "I think the parts labeled '80cm' are already artificial :/"

"Eyes." Okaaay.... yes, she has eyes. And she's using them to stare. Into our souls....
Is this some kind of guilt trip being laid on the pedos watching the video, i.e. "You stare at me, I'll dig deep into your poisoned otaku soul?"

Okay, now she's starting at herself. Curiously. As if she doesn't know what she's looking at.
Jedite thinks that she's had one too many plastic surgeries and is confused.
Elios thinks it's clever way for them to offer up her bare shoulder right into the camera for fanboys to... what... LICK!? God Elios you're a pervert.
Heh, Haruka-san is right, he's their exact target demographic.
NO, Elios, I don't think her shoulder looks like a tempting ice cream cone.

Okay, she's taking a shot of something in her hotel room. Since all I have is the prior shot to go on, I'm assuming that she's taking a picture of HERSELF. In the MIRROR. What. Just WHAT.
LOL @ Haruka-san: "Me Ayaka love MYSELF long time."
NO, NOT IN THAT WAY ELIOS GOD

Now she's looking out her hotel room like a deer caught in headlights.

Minako-chan: "Director-san, are you sure I have to go out wearing *that*?
Hotaru-chan: "Ano, what are all those legions of fat overweight otaku doing there?"
Motoki-san: "To the batmobile!" (huh?)

....

Haruka-san: "Giant Ayaka is giant."
Jedite: "This video doesn't beat around the bush, does it?"
Tomoe-hakase: "Giant tracts of Ayaka... MUAHAHAHAHA"
Minako-chan: "With these gifts I prove to you I'm no Sawaii Miyuu!"

What the hell is that cherry strategically placed?!
(Everyone else is looking at me like I'm an idiot right now)

Haruka-san: "Mmm... lickable~"
Michiru-san: "Don't you DARE!"
Elios is making some kind of joke about milk in bags. I don't get it.

"Lip." What, she's only got one? Or are we supposed to look at just one? YES WE KNOW IT'S A LIP SO WHAT WHO CARES

Apparently everyone here is comparing these shots to something Sawaii Miyuu did her her idol video with shiskabob...

Haruka-san: "Ooh, Ayaka's raising her game here..."
Elios: "I wanna be that lollipop, yo!"
Chibiusa-chan: "fak i dew dat sit all da tym"
Jedite: "Dammit if she wasn't legal I could have said 'A Lolicon with a Lolipop'".
Hotaru-chan: "Oh, this is barely legal, all right."
Haruka-san: "Only if you have an impure mind, LOL 'Taru is impure."
Now Hotaru-chan is chasing her with the Silence Glaive. Great. ><

Okay why are we looking at a burnt out truck up on blocks in someone's backyard?

Haruka-san: "WELCOME TO THE DEEP SOUTH, MINNA-SAN!"
Elios: "Oh yea, is dat where you and Michiru are cousins, yo?"
(Haruka-san just punched Elios in the face. This pleases me.)

Ami-chan: "Note the visual composition of a hot, red, stiff, long object in proximity to the seated female, legs spread."
(Everyone, including me, is staring at her)

THANK YOU FOR BREAKNG MY BRAIN AMI-CHAN. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Elios: "Ridged, for her pleasure."

AGGGH.

Haruka-san: "CAPTION GAME! I'll start: 'your soul is mine'"
Tomoe-hakase: "ARE YOU PIRATING THIS DVD?!"
Ami-chan: "I can see where your hands are!"
(Again, everyoen stares. She blushes.)
(Minako-chan and Hotaru-chan are too scard by the feral glare to reply)
Hotaru-chan: "Can't sleep... Ayaka will eat me"
Elios: "She can eat me anytime, yo."

Hands. Right. (I really don't know what to say to this micro anatomy lesson the video seems intent on giving out) They certainly look clean.

Elios: "Hands... cupping... squeezing... yeah baby, yeah...."

UGH.

Now she's wearing Cammo and painting on a sheet in the middle of the grass. Okay...

Elios: "Whoa her knockers are HUGE yo!"
Hotaru-chan: "What?"
Elios: "Look at that cleavage, yo!"
Me: "Those are her KNEES and LEGS, idiot!"
Elios: "Oh.. damn, thought they let it all hang out there for a second."
Haruka-san: "Well see, she's legal right, and this has automaically turned off the pedo demographic. So to try and get some of them back, they dress her up like a little kid with that lopsided ponytail that looks like Xena chopped off one of Chibi's ponytails by accident with the Chakram and have her do kid-like things so that she can entice some of the pedos back, like an AV video version of a puppy."

It scares me that Haruka-san has such insight into these kinds of things. It really does.

Haruka-san: "SHE'S ATTACKING THE SCREEN!"
Elios: "I'd like to think she's sensually rubbing paint all over my body, yo."

Haruka-san: "Lick my fingers clean.. you know you want to..."
Sakura-chan: "Is this some sort of subliminal signal to get down and dirty with Ayaka?"

Hotaru-chan: "She's making a tree of Sephiroth..."
Haruka-san: "LOL her painting looks better than Michiru's"
Michiru-san: "..."

Ow I felt that smack that Haruka-san just got.

Tomoe-hakase: "Under this blanket I'm TOTALLY naked!"
Haruka-san: "Under my clothes I'm totally naked too."

Don't remind us, Haruka-san. Don't remind us.

Oh look. She's wearing a polka dot bikini and shorts. Oh WOW. :P
Elios: "Two'a dose dots be strategically placed... let me gets da Photoshop, yo~"
(I punch him out.)

Hair. Yeah, that's all I can really say about that. Oh, there's a lens flare in there too. (yawn)
Elios says I just don't understand the subtle underpinnings of this video. I guess not.

Okay we've gone from the deep south to an airstrip, where she stands in front of a plane. And the others are telling me from wjhat they remember that the soundtrack to these scenes were actually DDR tracks. Oy.
They want a joke from me now, because this is a MIST.
Well I don't HAVE one. It's AYAKA standing in front of a PLANE. NOT DOING ANYTHING. JUST... STANDING THERE. IT'S SO STUPID MY SOUL FEELS LIKE IT'S GOING TO IMPLODE OKAY?!

Okay fine her hair si doing something, it's FLUTTERING in the Breeze. HAPPY NOW?

You could land an Airbus on that forehead. Even Taiki-san's forehead was smaller than that.
Elios is chastising me, saying that I'm supposed to be ogling. OGLING WHAT!!
Everyone is tryin to calm me down now.

Battered, open-air, possibly post-apocalyptic structure. Check.
Utter desolation beyond the scope of the human mind to process. Check.
Japanese girl in Bikini. Check.
WHICH OF THESE THREE DOES NOT BELONG?!

Yes, Elios, I see that if you tighetn the shot just right to avoid straps the video makes ehr look naked.
Yes, Elios, I can see how a potential AV customer might find that enticing.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ELIOS I SEE WHERE YOUR HANDS ARE

UGH. This is why they couldn;t do this video before, isn't it. I don't care who you are, there's only so much looking you can do at a barely-legal kid running around half-naked just posing anf beign suggestive before your soul wants to burst out of your body like a face-hugger thing in Aliens and eat you alive to save your sanity.
Okay, Tomoe-hakase, Minako-chan, Ami-chan, Haruka-san and Hotaru-chan ALL just corrected me that it's not the face-hugger that comes out it's a "chest-burster". WHATEVER. The only chest I see bursting here is Ayaka's and I'm SICK OF IT.

Yes, Ami-chan, we note the proximity of her half-naked self to a long hard brown pole. And yes, Elios, it's ridged. And my WILL TO LIVE IS DYING.

MY ISN'T THAT A LOVELY PAIR OF COCONUTS YOU HAVE THERE
I MEAN LITERALLY YOUR BIKINI CUPS MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE COCONUTS
AAHAHAH ISN'T THAT FUNNY AAHAHAHHA AHAHAHAHA AHAHA
Minako-chan keeps telling me to put the pictures away and stop for a while

Legs. Okay, AND? AND?

She's lying on the bed, looking into the headboard, posed like she's talking... to the headboard. YES ELIOS I know where the TARGET AUDIENCE is supposed to be staring, but that doesn't make it look any LESS INSANE NOW DOES IT?!

Okay, yeah, my blood pressure is going up. I'm sitting here, watching her drinking WATER. Someone PAID to see her DRINK water. Now I know why Minako-chan wanted to be an idol so bad. This is Money for NOTHING. You see that smile in her eyes there? That's her going "AHAAHAHA you stupid sucker paying 3000 yen for a video of me DRINKING WATER in my SHORTS and TANK TOP."

The others have left. I think they're scared of me right now.

And there's the guilty look in her eye that says "Oh god maybe they'll catch on to me." It's a thematic showing of her recognition that with the passing of time she'll get old and bloated like Melissa Joan Hart let herself become and then she'll no longer be able to trade on her looks and be able to charge horny young people obescene amounts of money to watch her run around in her swimwear and casual clothing.

...either that or the cinematoographer has no damn clue what he's doing now and is just padding time to fill out the DVD runtime.

And we close with a shot of her running through the forest enjoying the power of her verdant youth or something. I dunno. I don't care. I'm glad this damn video is over. I hate it. Even though I was just working off photos from it I HATE IT. I hate what it represents both fr the idol and her desperate audience and for the fact that I had to WATCH IT. I think I have stigmata of the eyeballs now. I may have to go back to T*A and let the nuns whack me on the head with their rulers a half dozen times for this. I wear I'm never doing another AV review again.

Okay this shot was from the extras or something and it's SO CREEPY. I mean look at it. A half-naked girl, clinging to herslef against the wind surrounded by a HUGE crew of older men telling her how to pose and what to do. If you look at it thematically it's like her the performer and the leering audiences staring at every inch of her. UGH it makes me ill.

Minako-chan is reminding me it also probably made her rich, and that Ayaka chose to do it. But geez, this isn't some 25 something actress, this is a barely post-high school age kid. I dunno, I went into this trying to make as many jokes as I could, but by the end it's like "thank god it's over" and it's not really THAT funny except when you think about what exactly people are willing to pay for.

I'm going to go lie down and take an aspirin now. And you know what the sick thing is... if I was an idol, they'd probably be able to sell a shot of me sucking down Tylenol.

NO ELIOS I'M NOT JEALOUS WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU